Sex Advice: WWJD?

Today’s question comes from me, and I answer myself. The truth is, I could use your advice too, so feel free to chime in. All names, with the exception of mine, have been deleted or changed, despite the fact that I’m not sure who is real and who is fictitious.

Photo credit: Ellen Stagg

Question: A totally random stranger watches my videos on Cherry TV and then asks me to make her a private video. She says she’s never been good at blow jobs and that money’s no object. She wants a video of me deep throating, and in lieu of a video I suggest talking with her via skype. I think about doing it, she’s very persistent. She wants me to use a dildo in the video, I suggest a banana. I get cold feet. I tell her again, I prefer to do a private session in which we can interact and ask if we can talk on the phone first. She says she can’t use the phone because the house is so small and her husband can hear everything. She says she’s hard of hearing and reads lips better than speaks on the phone. She can instant message. I tell her there are other videos out there that can help her and she say’s that I’d help her best.

Then, when she who’s supposedly so nervous abou doing something like this, or is it excited?, tells me that she can borrow her brother’s credit card to pay me, and also writes “it’s kinda the same way i tend to laugh when someone says penis or vagina instead of cock/dick or pussy,” my intuition kicks in (again). I begin to doubt who she says she is, and think perhaps she’s a dude who wants to get off to my mouth and my voice. But, what if she’s a really excited homemaker who thinks so highly of me?What would you do? Would you make her your own private video?

Answer: I’ve been wavering on this one for quite a few weeks. Can you go first?

I’ll show you mine, if  you show me yours.

Mine’s after the jump.

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Sex Advice: One Key Word

With travel this week, the blog schedule is a little out of whack, or wax, perhaps. I promise to return with the Hot Sox podcast by next Friday (at the latest). In the meantime, here’s what would have been yesterday’s sex advice, if my flight to Tucson hadn’t been so delayed (ah, blame, sometimes it makes for an easy excuse).

Question: I’m looking for any one tip or technique you can give me to make my mediocre sex life a little less mediocre?

Answer: I’m going to keep this short, because the longer answer involves “there’s not one thing you can do for your relationship to take it from average to awesome.”

Still, I get asked this question a lot, and this is the first thing that always comes to mind.  Before I reveal what “this” is, I will say, while it’s not the be all,end all, having “it” and believing “it’s” worth it, can make a heck-of-a-lot of difference in how you have sex. Remember, sometimes you’ve got to fake it til you make it (and if you can’t even fester up the desire to do that, then wait until you can).

The key, if you don’t want what you describe as your “mediocre” sex life anymore, is to get into the mindset that you are totally excited for your new sexpedition.

That “one” thing that could help?

Be in the moment, and be totally excited to be there.

It’s called enthusiasm.

Sex Advice: Good Porn

Question: What is good porn? I’ve heard the term thrown around a lot, but if I’m new to the genre, how can I decide what’s good and what’s bad?

AnswerGood Porn is a book by feminist erotic filmmaker Erika Lust. It’s a book geared towards women, helping them navigate away from the types of traditional male-dominated porn that’s out there. It discusses Lust’s own ideas around pornography and how typical porn ideals, like screwing your teacher so that you can get a better grade, just don’t live up to real-life standards.

Of course, some women like the dirty, hardcore, “I’m going to bang your whorebox” type of stuff, at least that’s what I’ve been told, even if it’s not what I generally agree with. Still, that’s not the focus of the book, Good Porn.

That being said, good porn is also a term used (mainly) for ethical, quality-made types of porn, the kinds where actors are paid well (enough), where everyone on set enjoys the work and the production values are high, with minimal sets, or sets designed to look hot, sexy, dirty, sweet, or whatever the director desires.

A few months back, I posted an article over at Fascinations on Porn For Couples that could help you understand more of what good porn can be, and names the names of some of my favorite “good porn” directors. In the end, good porn is about as subjective as good food, good music or good sex. It’s all about what arouses the senses, stimulates the brain/body and makes you want to get your freak on, irregardless of how freaky that freak is.

Sex Advice: Large Penis, Large Load

Photo Credit: iammeltron

Question: I am a well-endowed guy, though most of my hook ups/casual lovers can work with it (plus I am patient). The real trouble is when I cum. I happen to have a very large load. I even consulted my doctor and he said, “That’s just how you are.” So, some girls like it, but many don’t want to/can’t deal with it. It’s tough to express how big, but it’s VERY large, so it can be much for a girl when she’s going down on me. So, how can I make the situation better - make it more manageable for her, pleasurable, etc? Any advice is appreciated!

Answer: I understand that this can be a problem for women and that it must be frustrating, but the truth is, you should tell them straight out “what the deal is, yo.” In all seriousness, say something like, “hey, when I come, I come a lot and I just wanted to let you know, since this is the first time we’re hooking up. So, it’s cool if I come somewhere outside of your mouth (and safer too). I can come on myself, on the sheets, on your chest, belly, back…” - you get the idea.

Being honest about your large load may alarm some women, but it can also be a real turn on for someone who’s already turned on by being with you. And then when she’s not taken by surprise, she’ll likely appreciate your large load and your honesty.

One other thing about going down on you. Are there parts of your penis that are more sensitive? Like the frenulum or towards the base? If a girl’s having difficulty, or looks like she’s not enjoying giving you head, then offer her advice to help increase the mutual pleasure. Whether it’s using two hands, or telling her about your favorite penis pleasure point, knowing what you want, and asking for it, can really get a girl wet. Be gentle, but direct. Find ways to help her relax and she’ll be able to take more of you in. Tell her how sexy her mouth is. Use aural foreplay for oral foreplay. And play with her hair, rub her hair when she’s going down on you for encouragement, but don’t shove her down on you either. You can also have her start by sucking on your flaccid, or half-wood dick before you get fully erect. After she’s got you in her jaws, encourage her with words and touch.

As long as what she’s doing, and you’re doing, feel good for both of you, keep going. When you feel you’re getting ready to go from suck to blow, warn her you’re coming, and see where that goes.

Sex Advice: and baby makes…

Question: After having my first baby, I can’t seem to get my sex drive back. I feel unattractive and my body looks different. I don’t want my husband to touch me, let alone look at me. It’s been three months now, and I can’t figure out what to do. I’m afraid this will ruin my marriage.

Answer: While I can’t say I feel your pain, having never birthed a child, I can tell you that you are not alone in feeling pain/ed. According to the experts at, losing your sex drive is typical and, unfortunately, the feeling can last for months.

There are studies, although I haven’t found the source of them, that say postpartum women (at least 20 percent of them) have little or no desire for sex three months after delivery, and another 21 percent have a complete loss of desire or aversion to sexual activity. In an Australian study (again no source here), six weeks was the median time for women to begin to have sex again, but half of those women (and remember that’s median) had initial and persistent problems after they started having intercourse. Another mysterious study found that 20 percent of first time mothers took six months to feel physically comfortable during sex, and still another study revealed that 57 percent of women continued to have less frequent sex a year after their baby was born. Regardless of the origin of these studies, what it points to is that what you’re going through is totally normal (even if I hate the word normal).

On a more personal note, when my friend and fellow sex educator Jaiya Ma gave birth to her son, she lost her desire for sex. If you know anything about Jaiya then you know that this woman has always had more desire than most women for sex, as well as not one, but two loving partners. She says she wasn’t used to her postpartum curves, and sex became painful as a result of scar tissue build up and vaginal dryness. The good news is that after working with another hands-on healer, Ellen Heed, she’s gotten rid of the scar tissue and vaginal dryness, and now claims to be having the best, most pleasurable, deepest orgasmic sex of her life.

You can learn more about her amazing recovery, and the sexual vitality program it inspired here. All I can add is good luck and get rest because sooner or later (or after RSVP), you may need it!

Sex Advice: Office Romance

Question: I’ve been working at a job for over six months now and flirting with one of my co-workers the whole time. He’s single and so am I, and recently, at an office happy hour we finally made out. I really like him, and I know the feeling is mutual. How can we date and make sure it doesn’t affect our work or our working relationship?

Answer: You can’t make sure of anything, but you can rest assured that if this doesn’t work out, it could mean a new job for one of you. You should seriously understand (and accept) this if you’re going to proceed with, or without, caution. The good thing is, you’ve been getting to know each other for the past six months, so it’s not like you’re jumping into something brand new, but six months can be, depending on your age and your biological clock, long enough, or not so long.

According to a 2011 survey on office romance conducted by Vault,  you aren’t along in your office love. In fact, 59% of worker bee’s have been involved in an office romance and 63% would do it again. So what can you do to keep your office life and your love life separate?

Keep them separate. For starters, don’t engage in PDA’s in front of the copy machine, printer or water cooler. Avoid using company email to make dates or to discuss how and when you’re going to peg him.  Conversation with your office boyfriend should remain casual at work, unless you report to him, or he reports to you, and if that’s the case, stop the romance now. Power dynamics can make things messy, especially when one of you is the boss of the other one.

When it comes to sexual relations, don’t do it during office hours.  Best not to do it in the office, but if that’s your thing, come back at a time when nobody is around - like 1am or on a weekend. Even try to limit your contact at the office. Jealousy can be a bitch, and if you start to deconstruct his every move (or he yours) then you will go mad over time. Try to keep your contact to out-of-office activities as much as possible and enjoy the bonus of lunch dates (once a week) since you do work together. You might also want to avoid too much work talk, keeping the gossip about Luke’s bad breathe, or Marsha’s crush on Jan, to a minimum. It’s fine to have this connection and talk about everything, but make sure office talk doesn’t saturate your relationship.

The thing is, if you’re going to have this office romance, have fun, but without being too morbid, think about how you will handle it if, and when, it’s over. I’ve had at least three office romances (yep, I’m right there with you) and all of them ended quite differently. In the first one, I watched him start to flirt with another co-worker and decided this could get messy, so I ended it then. The next was casual and fun at first, and then when feelings got highly aroused we both agreed it wasn’t the right time. And the third, well, he wouldn’t look at me after it was over, and he got some people to think I was the devil. In that last one, work did get awkward, but we worked in the kind of place (a radio station) where we could talk it out, literally and on-air. At times it felt like there were two teams, but the truth is, we didn’t work on the same projects, so it didn’t matter to me. I had my life and he had his, but still, I won’t lie and say it wasn’t weird.

So be safe and plot the out. Are you wiling to leave your job if things go sour? Is he? I’m asking, because even at the beginning of an office romance, you need to see the end.

For more on office romance, read Colleagues with Benefits and’s best practices for conduting an office romance.

Sex Toy Review: Bang O

Live on location from a “secret” windy roof top location in Venice, California, this week’s sex product review is The Screaming O‘s Bang O vibrating cock ring. What makes the Bang O different is the three weighted balls that dangle low for extra bangin’ stimulation. Used during intercourse, the vibrating bullet is designed to stimulate her clitoris, but I prefer vibrating pleasure rings to use during oral sex (think about using it when you’re going down on him or a dildo).  Or, use it over a few fingers for vibrating, finger-licking masturbation of her clitoris. Watch the short sex toy review to learn more about the waterproof, battery-operated Bang O!

Hot Sox: Valentines Day. Love 2011.

Love it or hate it, Valentines Day has crept up on us yet again. Whether you’re single or in a triad, Valentines Day can be anxiety producing or overly exciting, but regardless of if you want to poo-poo V-day or play it up, it is a holiday that reminds us of love.

From my hotel room in Arvada CO (that’s Arvaaada, not Arvayda) I’ve recorded this week’s Hot Sox Podcast on how we can make the best of this sometimes dreaded love-fest of a day. My best idea (if I can say so myself) is thinking of making Valentines day the new New Years of Love. But that’s not all I think of. Nope. From how to do V-day on a budget to ways to show your self love, I’ll take it out of the bedroom and into the garage to help you switch sex up a bit. Plus,  why sending a letter through the post office can be better than sex. This V-day podcast will either inspire you to get out there and love, or make you want to punch me in the face.

I report. You decide.

Subscribe to the Hot Sox Podcast here.

Sex Advice: How to Introduce Your Guy to Vibration

Question: My husband thinks that using sex toys means I’m not into having sex with him anymore. We have never tried a toy, but I’ve been shopping around online and want to surprise him with a vibrator to use on me for Valentines Day. How can I assure him that using a toy with him doesn’t mean he’s not man enough for me, that I’m just bored and I want to try something new?

Answer: For starters, avoid using the word “bored” when talking about your sex life, and instead get excited about expanding what sex means in your life. From there, things will get easier, even if they seem difficult right now. One way to introduce a vibrator into your life is to introduce the same vibrator into his life first. Go with something non-intimidating (hint: avoid the 12 inch vibrating blue mega cock) and something that he can see a guy using as well. I’m really into the Form 2 right now (video here), and because it sort of looks like a heart it makes for a fitting gift  for Valentines Day. Plus it’s compact (size can matter), it’s powerful (or not as powerful), it offers a variety of features (speed and pulsation) and the Form 2 comes in black, which after the success of Coke Zero over Diet Coke (same thing, different can) leads me to believe men feel more comfortable buying, drinking and using black objects.

If you prefer something that’s meant simply for intercourse, check out the we-vibe (useless party information: it was the top selling toy of 2010). It’s designed to be worn during intercourse and can stimulate both of you at the same time.

Next, on Valentines Day draw him a bath. Set the mood in the room by dimming the lights, or get a colored bulb, or light candles. Put on sexy music. Pull out a blindfold. Place the blindfold over his eyes and instruct him to relax. Tickle him with a feather or massage him with oils.  When he’s good and relaxed, and possibly hard, bring out the vibrator and use it on him (yes, even the we-vibe.) Use lube to help it glide all over his body. Start on his chest and work your way down to his legs. Then head to his shaft and balls, and maybe even to the perineum (aka taint). Make him understand that this toy is for both of you and see if that helps alleviate his anxiety and fear. If he seems receptive to the toy, ask him if he’d like to try it on you after you’ve spent plenty of time on him.

Then, after Valentines Day, don’t use the toy together for a little while (you can still use it to masturbate alone of course). Re-introduce it to your partnered sex life every so often. If he gets more comfortable, bring it on out again and again.

And remember, it’s not that you’re bored, it’s that you’re bold. You’re willing to understand that this isn’t easy for your husband, but still you want to show him how it can work to benefit both of you!

For more inspiration, check out this video of my dear friends Freddy and Eddy. They went from not using sex toys to owning an online sex toy store!

Q&A: Premature Ejaculation

Question: How do I overcome premature ejaculation?  I have thought about getting a prescription for Viagra. I’m not sure if this will work as I do not have a problem actually getting hard, but it might help me get harder faster after I go the first time. I’ve tried the pinch method but that does not work either.  Any advice?  Thanks.

Answer: Sometimes it’s mind over matter, and sometimes it’s matter over mind. For starters, what’s going on in your head when you get hard? Are you thinking, ‘oh no, I don’t want to ejaculate right now and I’m hard so I might’ or ‘this feels good and I can go with it for a while?’ If you’ve got the former in your head (or any other form of anxiety speak) that could be a significant contributing factor to your premature ejaculation. Of course, it’s not all, or always, mind over matter. There are things you can try, and they’re not Viagra. If you could avoid a little blue pill to provide you with sexual satisfaction and lastation (I just made that word up I think) why wouldn’t you want to?

Before I go on, you’re not alone. According to the 1999 NHSLS survey by Laumann et al., approximately 30% of men ages 18-59 have dealt with over-excitement of the penis.  Now let’s get to some courses for action!

Try a version of sensate focus. That means you (and your partner) focus on pleasurable touch and avoid orgasm for a while. This could help you build up your stamina and help you find the ability to stay harder longer. Do condoms help keep you going longer, you may want to try a thicker one, even a condom sampler to see if that helps (and yes, use condoms even during masturbation). Or perhaps a cock ring can help with delay. I’m not a big fan of numbing agents, and NEVER for anal sex, but when it comes to premature ejaculation, too much lube can act to desensitize you and work in a way that makes you feel less and last more. Try a thick lube like Maximus and see if that helps slow you down.

Make sure your breathing. Don’t clench your muscles. Stay relaxed. Try other positions, or not going in as far when you penetrate your partner. Sometimes guys grow up masturbating in particular ways (i.e. fast and furious before mom finds out) and then he can have this habit or pattern where that’s now how he has to come. Change the pattern, break the habit. Even if, for a short while, it means a few pumps and you must stop, it may work for you in the long term. Other things, meditate, communicate and anticipate. Slowing down your mind can help slow you down. Talking to your partner can relieve anxiety and anticipating pleasuring your partner, even with fingers, tongues and toys can help keep you going longer (or not).

If you try these things (fun homework, yay!) and you’re still not satisfied, it couldn’t hurt to talk to your doctor. Premature ejaculation, while not a “serious” ailment, can seriously screw with sexual relations. Of course knowing how to please your partner in other ways is a good thing to know to.

© Copyright Jamye Waxman M.Ed.