Q&A: Premature Ejaculation

Question: How do I overcome premature ejaculation?  I have thought about getting a prescription for Viagra. I’m not sure if this will work as I do not have a problem actually getting hard, but it might help me get harder faster after I go the first time. I’ve tried the pinch method but that does not work either.  Any advice?  Thanks.

Answer: Sometimes it’s mind over matter, and sometimes it’s matter over mind. For starters, what’s going on in your head when you get hard? Are you thinking, ‘oh no, I don’t want to ejaculate right now and I’m hard so I might’ or ‘this feels good and I can go with it for a while?’ If you’ve got the former in your head (or any other form of anxiety speak) that could be a significant contributing factor to your premature ejaculation. Of course, it’s not all, or always, mind over matter. There are things you can try, and they’re not Viagra. If you could avoid a little blue pill to provide you with sexual satisfaction and lastation (I just made that word up I think) why wouldn’t you want to?

Before I go on, you’re not alone. According to the 1999 NHSLS survey by Laumann et al., approximately 30% of men ages 18-59 have dealt with over-excitement of the penis.  Now let’s get to some courses for action!

Try a version of sensate focus. That means you (and your partner) focus on pleasurable touch and avoid orgasm for a while. This could help you build up your stamina and help you find the ability to stay harder longer. Do condoms help keep you going longer, you may want to try a thicker one, even a condom sampler to see if that helps (and yes, use condoms even during masturbation). Or perhaps a cock ring can help with delay. I’m not a big fan of numbing agents, and NEVER for anal sex, but when it comes to premature ejaculation, too much lube can act to desensitize you and work in a way that makes you feel less and last more. Try a thick lube like Maximus and see if that helps slow you down.

Make sure your breathing. Don’t clench your muscles. Stay relaxed. Try other positions, or not going in as far when you penetrate your partner. Sometimes guys grow up masturbating in particular ways (i.e. fast and furious before mom finds out) and then he can have this habit or pattern where that’s now how he has to come. Change the pattern, break the habit. Even if, for a short while, it means a few pumps and you must stop, it may work for you in the long term. Other things, meditate, communicate and anticipate. Slowing down your mind can help slow you down. Talking to your partner can relieve anxiety and anticipating pleasuring your partner, even with fingers, tongues and toys can help keep you going longer (or not).

If you try these things (fun homework, yay!) and you’re still not satisfied, it couldn’t hurt to talk to your doctor. Premature ejaculation, while not a “serious” ailment, can seriously screw with sexual relations. Of course knowing how to please your partner in other ways is a good thing to know to.

The Anal Sex Stretch (A.S.S.)

It’s Thursday and that means you’ve got sex questions (email them to hottwax at gmail dot com) and I’ve got sometimes sexy answers. Today’s question goes anal.

Question: Can anal sex permanently stretch out your butthole?

Answer: There seem to be a lot of things that scare people about anal sex, the above question being one of them (other concerns include, but are not limited to, pain, poop and pressure), but rest assured unless you’re ramming a small garden gnome up your bum every day for an unspecified amount of time, like 23 hours, and I mean ramming, and maybe not 23 hours, but a long time, or treating your butt like a bad boy instead of a baby, your butthole should be just fine after your done getting pounded in it.

That being said, you must listen to your body and your bum.  Adult film legend Nina Hartley has some great quotes about anal stimulation including, “you have to seduce your ass every time.” Urban Tantra author and sex educator Barbara Carrellas says the butt will “invite you in.” This may sound silly, but it’s not because good anal sex requires plenty of prep, patience and pleasure (before poking too). Sure, having anal sex is more work than not having anal sex, but there are so many sensitive nerve endings that surround the rectum, that even if you never go in, you’ll be glad you’ve gone back there.

I’m not going to give you a primer on anal sex, (thanks Freddy and Eddy) but you do need to remember to listen to your butt every time. Because even if you like a little anal action every day, there are just going to be some days that your anus doesn’t want you to act. Anuses have a harder time healing when they’re not being heard. That means go slow, even slower than you think you may want to, especially while you get to know your body and your anal limits. Use plenty of LUBE and always listen to where you’re at. If you’re anus doesn’t want to go with your plan, then you need to get with its program.

I’m not saying A.S.S. has never happened, but the concern around “my asshole has been stretched and I don’t know what to do about it,” shouldn’t be much of a concern if you’re playing nice with your body and encouraging pleasurable anal sex, only when you want it, and how you want it. If that’s the case, your asshole should go back to being shapely and happy again in almost no time flat (or at least after an hour or so). It’s all a matter of how you use it.


For more on anal read the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women or Anal Pleasure and Health or watch Expert Guide to Anal Sex for Men or Expert Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

Female Orgasms: How to Know When

The topic of female orgasms, or how to know when you’ve had one, is the kind of topic that keeps coming up, and up and up and oh, so close…

Faking it. (Speaking of faking it, notice the OJ)

Questions about female orgasm are so popular, the opposite of me in high school (how’s that for pretend holding on because yes, I’m actually over being unpopular back then), so I decided to hop on the bandwagon and answer this same question!

Question: How do I know if I’ve had an orgasm?

Answer: When you stop having to ask, you start knowing you have.

That’s how it worked for me. But since this is one of those FAQ’s on any S-E-X site, let me just say this, beyond the fact that your genitalia actually feel like they’re contracting, which is when you’ll be most certain as a woman, there are some tell tall signs that can tune you in. While not all of them work on all people, in his book Beyond Orgasm, Dr. Marty Klein lists six ways to tell that you’ve had an orgasm. I like his concise bullet points so much that I’m going to reprint them right here:

  • increased heart rate, and breathing
  • reddening of the skin, especially on the face and chest
  • pelvic throbbing
  • erection of the nipples and genitals
  • heightened threshold of pain
  • contractions of the muscles around the anus, vagina, prostate and elsewhere

Because one of my strong suits is over-sharing, when I’m asking the question in my own brain in my real life, because I! want! to! know!, I generally check on my lover’s nipples, look at his skin and glance at his digits (especially for curled toes). These three physical signs of arousal help me stay in tune with my partner’s level of excitement.

When it comes to my own orgasms, the ones I didn’t actually have until I was 21, but thought maybe I was having before that (because it still felt good and I didn’t honestly care), I knew when I knew.

That, and I learned with the aid of a vibrator, not unlike this one. To me orgasms are best defined as the sensations you experience right before a huge sneeze, or I always think of it feeling like a wave in the ocean, building up, and up, and up and then crashing down and then the water slowly trickles further out, on to the sand, again, and again, and again. Cliche’s for sure, but the best damn cliche’s I’ve got. Thing is, it’s never the same problem with men, damn semen and obvious hard-ons, but man, women are more complicated, and not just when it comes to orgasms.

My So Called Sex Life at Burning Man

I’m finally podcasting again (it feels like eons) and decided to do something timely-ish and discuss my recent trek to the Burning Man festival held in the Black Rock Desert in Nevada (closest biggish city: Reno). That means you should click on the Hot Sox page at itunes (go ahead, I’ll wait) and start listening NOW my latest podcast: Sex and Burning Man. Yep, it’s up for you to enjoy, or not enjoy, if you so choose.

The premise of this podcast is to prove that Burning Man isn’t only about sex, drugs and rave-n-roll. For some of us (uhm, that would be me), it’s hardly ever about the first, it used to be about the second, but that was like so 2004 and 5, and now I’ve evolved into a citizen of Black Rock City (that means I work the event) - which I just heard yesterday surpasses Carson City in population as the third largest city in the state of Nevada for the one week a year it’s fully functional - post office and all. For me, now, it’s about rangering, dancing, and reconnecting with the city. But that doesn’t sound as exciting as the podcast is (at times). So check out the play-by-play of my seven years of sex at Burning Man and then hook a sister up for next year.

Or not.

TIT: The Last (BIG) Hurrah

In this week’s TIT (Thursday I Talk), I “phone a friend.” It’s the newest Hot Sox Podcast and I get to talk with not one! but two! friends - Ian and Alicia Denchasy of Freddy and Eddy.

The topic? The last hurrah, and I don’t mean this last hurrah. I’m not even sure I mean a last hurrah like the pic below:

Picture via wonderxxx

Here’s the question(s). What do you do if you know that the sex you’re having with someone is about to end but you’ve got one more big “hurrah” planned and you’re going to see them for days in a row? Does it have to be sad? Do you have a threesome? Go to an orgy? Keep it simple and enjoy the intimacy that’s already there?

If it’s not going to get any more emotionally connected (fingers crossed) but you’re still about to connect for a week, how do you go out with a big bang?

Yeah, I’m using “you,” but this time it’s personal.

Listen: New podcast up on itunes.

Female Ejaculation for Fakes

Ellen Stagg shot me for the 2010 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar in her backyard in Brooklyn. I brought the hose and my mother’s vintage 70′s bathing suit.

This is the picture that almost went in the calendar. But almost doesn’t count…or does it?

Photo Credit: E Stagg

HN(L)T: Half Naked (Last) Thursday

Life is changing for me as I post this, which is also the excuse as to why it’s been so difficult to keep up with my blog these past two weeks. I want to write about it ALL, or at least about this Sex in America panel I went to two weeks ago, and also about my trip to Jamaica, but right now I’m moving things around and shaking them up, and the truth is I have a mess to clean up (literally, in the room I now sit). So for now I will leave you with an HNT from last Thursday, in my hotel room at Hedo 2 where yes, there are mirrors on the ceilings.

Another Short, Sexy Gift Guide

With Hanukkah a few days away and Christmas just one week off, there’s no better time for another short, sexy, almost last minute gift guide. If you’re still looking for the perfect-ish gift to put a spring in a sex life, I’ve thrown my own ideas into the (cock) ring.

The Pure Wand: I know, I know. This is on my list all the time, but the truth is, this is my favorite non-vibrating sex toy and its unisex and hot and cold and sexy.  Sure, Smartballs, or if you’ve got the money, Lelo’s Luna Beads (the newer and more versatile of the two options) are also great, and they don’t vibrate either (although they technically do, when the balls hit against each other, but not in that power-vibration sort of way) - but when it comes to my one and only, it’s got to be njoy’s Pure Wand. A gift that keeps on giving.

We-vibe: In our house this is our favorite “couples” sex toy. It’s the most expensive gift on the list (not that the Pure Wand or the Bo are inexpensive) but if you’re looking for something two people can share together, at the same time, the We Vibe may be your best buzz.

Bo: Lelo’s elegant and rechargeable vibrating cock ring is an overall nice package (and that’s not even talking about the cock you’ll put it on). It should fit nicely over his package and it looks so sleek and modern. Bo is the kind of gift guaranteed to make him feel special - both physically and psychologically - and it will make her feel special things too.

Afterglow Candles: Jimmy Jane’s candles smell the best, look the nicest and work great for massage. My favorite flave is Figleaf, for it’s unisex appeal and delicate scent. Watch it burn, baby, burn, and then smother it all over a lover’s body.

Please Stroke Cream: Speaking of massage, this is a Good Vibe’s exclusive. The Please Stroke Cream is one way to get him to believe in hand jobs again. The perfect cream for manual stimulation (not so perfect for latex application), if you’re ready to take back the hand job, Please Stroke Cream can make hand jobs rock hard. Really hard. In your hand.

The Guide to Getting it On: In its latest, sixth incarnation, it’s over 1,000 pages of juicy goodness. Paul Joannides, the man behind the biggest, most comprehensive book on sex, is so smart and funny that you’ll want your own copy of this book for all eternity, or at least until the seventh edition comes out. Plus, it’s around $20 (and right now it’s 20% off), which means you’re paying under 2 cents a page. Where else can you get such a deal?

Toibocks: Need the perfect lock box for your secret stash? Toibocks is so smart that you may have a hard time unlocking it yourself. Okay, you’ll figure it out, but nobody else will.

Condom Cases: For Your Nymphomation’s adorable condom cases/change purses are on sale right now for almost nothing. These make great stocking stuffers, and also serve as a sexy reminder to practice safer sex.

Sliquid’s Blue Raspberry: If you like tasty lubes, but hate the taste of most lubes, you should def. check out Sliquid’s line of yummy water-based delights. Blue Raspberry is my favorite taste treat, but there’s also green apple and cherry vanilla to whet his willy, or to help wet the tunnel to her womb (hey, I was looking for another “w” here). And sliquid is glycerin free (which means no extra sugar) and they now have an organic line too, it’s just not as tasty.

Iconic Pocket Rocket: One more from Jimmy Jane. The iconic pocket rocket isn’t different in form and function than it’s more colorful predecessors, but there’s something about the sleek, white design that makes it look like it would be. There’s a whole iconic line of toys, but since the pocket rocket is the only vibe I ever needed (until I met the eroscillator) I am 100% loyal to this one.

Peredise: Aneros’ first officially designated Unisex toy, the Peredise is small enough to not look intimidating, and big enough to make you “get” Anal PC satisfaction.

For the Girls: A website designed by her and for her, if porn is something you like, but aren’t sure your female partner does, then why not buy her a short membership to a site designed to tickle her fancy? And if she’s into sexy movies and pictures already, then a membership to FTG can only add to her collection, and give you both new ideas for sexy times. Plus, starting early next year, you’ll be able to watch videos of me talking about all things sex. As if that’s not reason enough…

The very sexy Amber Ray‘s even sexier things for your head: I just bought my first Amber Ray original. It’s a small flower clip, loaded with rhinestone bling, but now I’m hooked. Her head pieces are as outrageously magnificent as she is, and she makes the perfect unique gifts for anyone who loves a little flare.

The 2009 Sex Bloggers Calendar: As if you need an excuse to look at 12 sexy bloggers all year round, here’s a reason to buy the calendar. You’ll help support a fantastic cause - the Sex Work Awareness project. Get your 2009 calendars now, before you miss a month.

Why I love Babeland

I agree with Dallas over at the Babeland blog. Working at Babeland can be really fun. I know it was a hard job to leave.This music video reminded me of why. What I love most is how each of them has his or her own adorably sexy moves.   

HNT: Me and My Sprouts

Rocking out with a stalk of brussel sprouts (it is peak season after all).

© Copyright Jamye Waxman M.Ed.