Hot Sex: Penis Size

Normally Hot Sex on Tuesday is a post about my soon to be released book, Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight! but that’s “normally” and anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do “normal” well. Veering off topic today, after having spent too many minutes staring at Rep. Anthony Weiner’s seemingly large member (see above), I want to talk about the matter of size and I’m hoping to hear from men and women who have sex with guys born with the hardware (or software, depending on his state) that we call penis.

Penis size. Does the size of his penis matter to you? Does the size of your penis matter to you? Has penis size ever been a deal breaker in a relationship?

Yes, the size of his penis is a topic that makes some of us squirm (yes, bigger is better), and others of us shrug (no, it’s no big deal). According to this article in Men’s Health, an article that has nothing to do with six pack abs, yahoo!, and this LA after dark blog post, women don’t care how low, high, or long he hangs. It’s more in his head. If anything, thickness matters for women and that’s because of the amount of nerve endings in the first one-third of the vagina. Still, most women surveyed said it doesn’t matter what you’ve got as long as you know how to make her orgasm. That’s fine for heterosexual couples, but since gay dudes don’t have pussy, what’s size like for them?

Sex with a large penis isn’t generally all that either. It can be like dating a model. When someone has a relatively large cock, like when they’re extremely good-looking, lots of times they think that all they need to do is show up to make sex worth his or her while. With that attitude, the sex is generally pretty bad, no matter how hot they are. Still, when someone looks like Shrek, or believes that their cock isn’t gods gift to humankind, they are way more into learning how to please, because they have to be. I was talking to a girlfriend about cock size the other day. She once dated a man who’s penis was as big as the base of wine bottle (that’s what she says). She had to tell him, “no way is your penis going inside of me.” I asked her if she would have done the same if his penis dangled like a limp inchworm? Would she have said, “no way is your penis going inside of me?” No.

Here’s full disclosure. I’m writing an article about penis size for Playgirl magazine. The reason I pitched this article is because I struggle with this question, both as a sex educator and a sexual being. I know it’s PC to say size doesn’t matter, and it’s factual to back it up with research like this. And when research says guys, don’t worry, we’ve checked out the penises of 11,531 men and can now tell you average size (5.5 - 6.2 inches) and that falling above or below this is a-okay too, y’know, it’s not the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean, I do jump on the bandwagon and say “hey guys, don’t worry, be happy. Really it’s your personality and looks that matter most. Besides learn how to make your partner happy and you’re golden.” I wonder what it must be like for those guys who don’t have personality, or looks, or skill enough to learn how to master other people’s orgasms? Not everyone with a small penis has a large personality or Ben Harper good looks. And gay guys, how far does personality and looks go for you? Does that matter more than penis size?

How often do we lie to ourselves about the type of penis we really want? How often are we disappointed when we see what we don’t expect (especially those tall guys with the small penises)? Is it alright to be disappointed?

I don’t have all the answers, but I do have lots of questions. And if you have a moment, and would like to contribute to Playgirl‘s article on the matter of size, or does size matter, please fill out my easy, breezy, and quick 10 question survey too.

Click here to take survey

Hot Sex: How to Get Tested Like A Porn Star

From the book Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight!

I’m having a realization these days about what I think about mainstream porn. It’s not that I don’t get why people enjoy mainstream erotica, or that I don’t approve of people making it, or watching it. I do get it and I approve of this message. Heck, I’ve worked for Candida Royalle and I made my own stuff , and even the work I did isn’t the kind of porn I watch. That’s because I don’t watch most porn. I realize most porn, the more mainstream sex stuff, it doesn’t do much for me. That, of course, doesn’t mean you can’t have hot sex as a result of watching porn, or as a result of reading it. You can, and lots of people do. Honestly, with the exception of a few videos, and a handful of pictures, porn isn’t what gets me going. Kissing is.

That being said, I love when CNN actually does a useful article on getting tested for sexually transmitted infections by talking about getting tested for STD’s (I prefer the term STI’s) in porn. I do believe that in porn, on the spot STI testing should be an option, and that’s the one thing that’s always bugged me about the standard 30 day testing “rule” in porn. This sort of scenario. What happens if Porn Star 1, let’s call him Hot Rod, after being tested on day one, Hot Rod heads out on a drunken sexfest and, over the course of the next 29 days, has interactions with 43 orifices. Hot Rod waits until he has to be tested again to find out he has not one, but two, STI’s that’s he’s contracted over the course of the last 29 days of sexing and festing. He didn’t have to figure this out for 29 days and he now has possibly passed his STI’s on to 43 other orifices. There’s no guarantee that this sort of thing won’t, or doesn’t, happen.

It has to happen.

I think most porn stars would call it an occupational hazard.

On the positive Pollyanna side (Pollyanna, a name by the way, that was given to me in college for a stoner game that my friends and I used to play), the porn community, and I’m talking the LA porn community, is not as large as one might think, and therefore news of a regular STI maker would definitely raise eyebrows.

So, if we look at that actors in porn get tested more often than people not in porn, then we can say, in porn they encourage, and act, on STI testing. Even if they are having more sex than your average frat boy, and not all of them are, there are lots of people out there not using condoms and not getting tested who don’t get paid to have sex. Of course porn testing should be mandatory, but so should testing of sexually active, non-monogamous regular “civilians” (a term used in porn to describe anyone not in porn) too. And let this serve as a reminder that we all need to be tested and on top of our sexual health.

And yes, porn valley is just one type of porn, and like I said, not the type that does it for me. Of course there are other alternatives, or as I prefer to refer to these types of erotica as, broader options.

Hot Sex on Tuesday: Yay Stripping

Illustration by Benjamin Wachenje

I am not a professionally performing seductress, the kind who moves slowly around a pole, sliding, twisting and turning in a slew of mind-bending formations. I’m not the girl who gets on a lap and works it like she’s churning butter. I get in my head, and out of my body, as I witnessed in the series of classes I recently group-on‘ed at a pole dancing studio in LA. I tried making love to the pole, but couldn’t even wrap my head around the sexy walk, a trailing of left foot then right foot, accentuated with a swaying of the hips, that is the recommended gait of said instructor of pole dance. That and you need more than a bit of arm and leg strength to build up to powerful pole performance. I’m convinced I could have done it (and done it well) but for additional obstacles (besides my brain). One, the pole is cold and hard and I like warm and soft, and two, I hate wearing heels.

You don’t need heels to sexy walk, but heels make walking sexy. They accentuate legs and wearing them may even improve pelvic floor muscle strength. I loathe heels, can’t stand in them for more than a few seconds and would rather find a pair of combat boots for sex appeal. Yes, I’m making excuses for thinking I suck at pole dancing, but it allows me to figure out places I don’t suck. Places that I can still feel sexy without fear of the pole. Stripping is one of those ways. It’s sexy. If you’re with someone that’s going to get you naked anyway, it’s another way to get naked. It’s about slowing……it………down. Even slower than that. And making eye contact, which keeps you in connection with your partner. It’s way more about connection with yourself (if you do it in a mirror), or your partner, than it is about a pole.

Don’t get me wrong, pole dance is sexy when it’s done by other people and I get to admire their strength and talent. And stripping is sexy, when it’s done by anyone confident enough to own it. I like the personal”ness” of stripping too. How many pole dancers do you know who only pole it up for one person? Pole dancing can feed off a larger audience. Stripping can to, but it also makes sense to do it to connect with one other person. In pole dancing you connect with the pole.

So, why did I go from pole dance to stripping? Because it’s hot sex on tuesday and so today’s hot sex tip is move your body to feel sexy. Whether through dancing, stripping, pole dancing, bellydancing, it doesn’t matter. However you groove, let your body make sexy talk.

The biggest difference between pole dancing and stripping is that one requires you to swing on a pole and the other (may) require you to sit on one. Other than that, it’s all in how you move.

Pre-order the book: Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight!

Hot Sex on Tuesday: Masturbation of the mutual kind

It’s national masturbation month and while this is my first post about masturbation in May, it’s definitely not my first post about masturbation material. Still, today’s post (and consequent photo from my soon to be released book Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight!) is a friendly reminder to masturbate, and if you can, make it a mutual thang.

Illustration: Benjamin Wachenje

According to Wikipedia, the definition of masturbation can actually involve touching other people (and I’ve heard the sentence, “I masturbated him to orgasm”) however, when I think of masturbation, I’m generally referring to self-stimulation. Self-stimulation, self-love, jacking or jilling off, whatever term you use when you reference wanking or diddling the body parts under where? under there!, doesn’t mean you have to be alone when you do it.

What I’m getting at, using a certain nursery rhyme, is, when Jack and Jill rolled down the hill they may not have just fetched a pail of water. Maybe Jack and Jill (sometime after breaking his crown and Jill tumbling down), jacked and jilled off! Perhaps, to relieve the pain of rolling down a hill, or because pain turned to pleasure, Jack and Jill touched themselves, on the same hill! at the same time! without touching each other. Whether for sexual or soothing purposes, it doesn’t matter why they did it, but what if they did it? Oh, the things the two of them could have learned about each other’s bodies.

I’ve said this next statement a bit, but it bears repeating. Mutual masturbation is the best touching and teaching tool we’ve got when it comes to showing our partner the chutes and ladders to our sexual pleasure and orgasmic potential. And while at least 78% of men and 60% of women under the age of 50 admitted to masturbating in the last year, according to 2010′s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, approximately 41% of men and 38% of women engaged in mutual or “partnered” masturbation (the percentages tend to drop drastically in the 50+ age groups for partnered masturbation and in the 70+ age group for men and 60+ age group for women for self-pleasure without a partner’s gaze). It’s time to bring those mutual masturbation numbers up.

There are ways to touch during mutual masturbation, as long as the hand stimulating the erogenous areas belongs to the person whose body is being touched. Or you can sit close together (see above picture) and touch, but not sexy touch. Eye gazing and masturbating from across the room works too. Whatever way you decide, don’t rule out solo sex as a way to get closer to your partner. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how well can you really love anybody else?

Hot Sex on Tuesday: Erotica and Female Desire

From my soon-to-be-released book, Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight!.
Illustration: Benjamin Wachenje
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It’s Hot Sex Tuesday, yes!

While yesterday, in not hot sex news, I designated time I invest on cross-country flights to reading about the trashy tabloid gossip I generally enjoy when onboard an aircraft carrier of 737 proportions*, today I’m talking about trashy of a different kind.

Today’s blog post has something to do with what may still be affectionately dubbed trash, but it has a whole lot less to do with gossip. That’s because today’s study is from the book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World’s Largest Experiment Reveals about Human Desire. It was blogged about at the Wall Street Journal, which is, in most people’s opinions, a much more credible, less trashy place than OK! or US Weekly.

The facts, while of interest, are not at all surprising and still somehow surprising. It is very heterosexually speaking, for those who prefer a wider gender balance, and it does feed into the stereotype, and reality, that men are of simple means and women of more complex brain structures. And although most of us understand that a certain type of man (the type that has a penis, is sexual and likes women) can get turned on by seeing a woman breathe, burp or bend over, ladies need a little more excitement. Here’s what the authors,  Ogi Ogas (I love that name as something you could scream during sex) and Sai Gaddam (not a bad name either, especially as a curse word), have to say about female sexual desire online:

  • Women watch porn, they just don’t pay for it. Somewhere between a quarter and a third of the visitors to the major pornography sites are women, however, only 1 in 50 porn-site subscriptions are by women. Even more interesting is that the main billing company for porn sites flags female names as potential fraud since a healthy handful of them demand a refund for reasons of non-consensual purchase.
  • Take me to her leader: The Romance Novel as Queen. While women don’t buy porn in the form of “two girls, one cup” (and yes, I know you don’t have to buy that one), 9 out of 10 romance novels are purchased by women. And the romance novel is what has been driving the electronic book boom, with three of the top ten e-books being the type of trash that turns women on.
  • Men want to see their actors naked, women want to hang out with the actors . When a man likes a particular actor, he goes online and tries to find her naked. He doesn’t care if she loves to hike or help save the sperm whale, he just wants to see her boobies and box. When a woman likes a particular actor, she’s more likely to find out where he’s hanging in his spare time than how it’s hanging.
  • Fan Fiction is popular. The world’s most popular “erotic” site for women is, a site that, in my opinion, is not easy on the eyes.
  • Don’t mess with my erotica. When a guy watches a sexy video he’s likely to remark with comments like “hot” or “horny.” A woman is more likely to probe into the emotional qualities of the characters and the story and dissect it. And if it’s not well done, or believable (when it’s popular character driven content), she will eat it up and spit it out.

For more in-depth coverage above female erotic desire, read The Online World of Female Desire. You can also read about the online study dubbed the Tabloid Reality Index done by the fine folks at Gawker. What did I learn there? Next time I fly I can read a lying sack of trash like  OK! Magazine, or a slightly more accurate bag of bogus like US Weekly. Truth is, I buy whatever’s cheapest.

Hot Sex on Tuesday: Good Touch

For the next few months I’ll be posting under the category Hot Sex on Tuesday, as a way to promote Hot Sex, my newest book (coming out this October). This is an actual rotoscoped photo from the book, meaning it’s real people who look a little less real. Hot Sex was co-written with Emily Morse, of Sex with Emily fame.

And since tonight is Sexy Tales, an LA event I’ve created to bring sexy, silly and Burning Man together, and because the above picture reminds me that good sex can involve slowing down and being touched, whether by voice, hands, or an angel, today’s post is about stopping and thinking about how you can touch, or be touched, by someone you love now (including yourself), or someone you will love in the future.

I did an exercise in my Recycled Sex class last week at the Pleasure Chest. I asked, what is it that you love about your partner, of if you’re single, about yourself? Is it body parts, like breasts, as appreciated above? Or is it passion? drive? brains? use of vocabulary?

Whatever it is, take some time to write a list of five things that “touch” you about the person you love. And then, after you’ve thought and written five things you love about yourself and/or someone you love, find ways to do actions that let you appreciate, or feel appreciated. If you love your partners body, make a date to worship it, without receiving in return. If you love their passion, go skydiving or do something else adventurous and after, or during the adrenaline rush, find a way to say I love you longtime. Write a card to touch their heart. Hold a hand or give a hug and touch their soul (OMG, yes, I can be that cheesy and still feel good about myself). Use your hands and cup them over a vulva, like above, and use your fingers to touch around. Touch yourself while your partner touches you (see above picture again) and teach each other, or yourself, the ins and outs of touch.

As soon as we’re born, babies hunger for touch. It’s better not to spend your life denying that. So touch and be touched, unless of course it’s rubbing up to a stranger on the subway, or at a crosswalk. That’s just creepy.

© Copyright Jamye Waxman M.Ed.