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Wednesday, August 10 2005

Happy Peaks

july05pics 007.jpg Me. Last month. In my new”est” glasses.

It’s amazing what a few days can do to your perception of life. While two days ago I was grumpy and miserable, and three days ago I was crying until I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, last night and all day today have been two of my happiest days in a while.

I’m not much into self-help books, because quite frankly, I used to always think that I could help myself - thank you, but recently a girl I know told me about the book, “Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting.” (lynn grabhorn) I read a couple of chapters about a month ago, and then put it down to read Hemingway’s “A Farewell to Arms,” because I felt like I needed something that would make me seem more well-rounded. But after my bit of a breakdown over the weekend, I decided that it was time to get some positive vibrational flow back in my noggin’ and have been reading a chapter every day at the gym* *when I go to the gym. Anyway, between the book talking about how to be positive (Okay, I know a book can’t talk), and then me just being positive - it’s working!

Of course, there are always things to throw a positive person off. For instance, the phone call to my grandmother last night. She literally answers the phone and says, “Hi Jame. How are you? So, did you lose any weight?”

Okay, I know. I know. She’s old and not as with it as she once was, but still, what kind of question is that? At least what kind of question is that too start off a conversation with? Maybe if I had said, “Y’know Grandma, I’ve been going to the gym and watching what I eat, and having lots of sex…” then maybe, just maybe she could have asked me that sort of question. But that’s not what I said, not that it isn’t true, well, maybe parts of it are true and parts of it aren’t, but still, it’s not the way I’d start off a conversation with anybody, let alone my granddaughter who’s had a constant life struggle with a few extra pounds. I totally understand where my body image issues stem from. I remember when I was younger and my grandparents tried to bribe me to lose weight. They told me they’d get me a present if I lost a couple of pounds. Well, when I did lose some excess skin, they gave me a mail-in Tropicana watch that they got on rebate from the back of the Orange Juice cartons. It was totally cheap and gross and a big disappointment.

“Life is full of disappointments. Get used to it.” (The Princess Bride)

However, while I was having the above mentioned conversation with my Grandma Shirley, I also had a power of the mind sort of experience. I hadn’t thought about this boy I used to work with (E.D.) in like three years, and then when I was walking uptown to meet a friend for dinner, I thought I saw someone that looked like him. It wasn’t him, and I kept walking. Then on 62nd and Broadway - right smack dab in the middle of my grandmother and the weight conversation - I heard “Jamye” and turned around to see E.D. It was crazy I say, crazy!

And I am so happy to have a website and to love my website. It makes me feel good, real good, like after sex good…what’s with me and sex today? …to be able to look at the site and think, damn this is beautiful.

Because right now, everything is.

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