Friday, April 29 2005
I have a whole new attitude today. That’s all that matters.
This was what I was going to originally post..but I then decided not to, only I really decided to post it anyway..but pretended I wouldn’t…
Now, i’m just being silly. It’s not translating well.
Why do you care about my life? What is it that makes you read this? You’re not going to answer, few people do, but I’m curious because I’m once again obsessing on the importance of blogging. How significant does blogging make me feel? Or why do I do it and why are you reading this? This blog has become the measure of how important I am in your life. And quite frankly, we all know, in the scheme of things, I’m not all that important. Not in a bad way at all. The blog also measure of how close my friends are to my world.
Usually when I run into someone on the street, they’ll either tell me how they do, or don’t, or haven’t in a long time read my blog. But why do it anyway? And why am I so neurotic? Is it really a Jewish thing.
The blog might go down. At least for a little while. It might even have to start up under the guise of another blog. I hope I don’t lose it all, but I might. That spam problem is really annoying. I feel like bombing the whole thing and starting all over. Only I guess I should print out some of the entries first. So I have a documented copy of it. For me, this is the diary of my life.
So, I’ve officially decided to chill the fuck out. It’s been one week of not being me. I feel like I’m about to pop, so I’ve decided I have to calm down. It’s been a rough few days, all probably because I can be a drama queen. It’s not all that attractive.
Today, I realized this and am making amends.
The shoots in three and half days.
Tell Me You Love Me
Wednesday, April 27 2005
It’s the moments I find to type this that truly amaze me. Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing at all right now, but I feel like, while I don’t make any money off of this damn blog, I’m addicted to updating.
I didn’t sleep well last night. In fact I don’t think I fell asleep til way after 3AM and I got into bed around 11:45. That sucked. And then I had this one dream that wasn’t all that much fun. L., was in all of my dreams. She’s my former roommate and one of my closest friends. I think she was in all of my dreams cause I had thought a lot about her yesterday. Whatever.
The dreams varied and were strange and there were a couple of them that I remember, and most of them were fine, but in all of them I kept losing something. In one dream it was my bag of laundry, but then we found it. Another time I broke a lamppost, and I just left it on the floor for someone else to fix…I know, my bad..but then I was on the subway and I got off without my computer, a wad of cash, and my life bag (sort of like a life partner or pocketbook, only different). It was the 6 train, and it was stopped at 33rd street for a while (how’s that for specifics in a dream) but I couldn’t find L., who was still on the subway when I got off, or my bag, or anything and I walked through the all the different cars. And then I got back off the train for a split second and the train doors shut and I realized everything was gone forever.
There was a lot of loss in my dreams last night. Hmm..wonder what that means?
And my computer seems to be having fan issues again. She’s making funny noises even though she was flown away and returned to me. I even bought a new computer bag., and I’m treating her well, but she’s still acting up. This frightens me so.
I’ve got to go back to doing things for next weeks shoot. No more talk of loss, only life. Something I’d like back sooner than later please.
Tell Me You Love Me
Tuesday, April 26 2005
Passover ’05. Me and G-ma.
Videoland is where I live right now. It’s actually where I’ll probably be living until after May 16th, when I return from a trip to the other coast.
These next few days are going to be hard on me as a blogger. I was reading a last week’s magazine, I forget which one now, but it was talking about the relevancy of blogging as journalism. I guess I’m not one of those journalistic blogs, but it got me thinking, how can I make myself more relevant?
Today things seem to be moving nicely around the video shoot. Couples are getting the proper paperwork in order, the space we want to use it opening up to us, things seem to be, at least for the moment, falling into some semblance of the right space. And, I’ve given myself some backup options. At least as far as location is concerned. Now, as far as starlets, well, that’s another story.
Uhm, otherwise, I haven’t been thinking much about anything. Except that I am queen of PDA (Public Displays of Affections) and maybe, just maybe, a lot of people don’t want to see me making out in public. I think I got a little carried away this past weekend. While L. my friend and confidante, suggested that I carry a bell around and pass it off to any third parties in an attempt to break up any long kisses between me and the object of my PDA, let’s just say that my grandmother called me “rude and disgusting.”
But I know she didn’t mean it. She was just jealous.
Tell Me You Love Me
Monday, April 25 2005
Everyday I feel..but today I feel great. A little worried about this video shoot which is in just over a week, but I feel great nonetheless. Things are finally falling into place. I love the couples that have agreed or are on the fence about agreeing to do this. They all rock. I found a co-host, he rocks harder. I found my vision, thanks to the help of my cohost, and it rocks harder than anything else can possibly rock and..for the first time in a long while, I actually think this will fucking work and R.O.C.K...since that seems to be the word of the paragraph - and it also happens to be the first name of someone I know who happens to have a girlfriend and together the two of them, yep, you guessed it, rock…
Okay, enough rocking, there will be plenty more of that next week. Let’s talk about relationships…since that is one of my favorite obsessions.
This will sound cheesy but…Have you ever been connected with someone and actually felt their pain? Call me a freak if you will, but I had a similar experience just last night. My flova turned boyfriend, why does that word still make me laugh really hard?, has this thing, this thing I won’t go into cause it’s his thing not mine, but it’s this really intense stiffness in one of his chakras - okay, this is not as out there as some of you may think it sounds - and, anyway, it’s been there since I’ve known him. Last night he was saying it was really tense, and I was holding him close, and all of a sudden, I was feeling his pain. We both felt some of his tenseness transfer over from him to me. It was an experience I can’t claim to have ever had before. But then again, the whole night was surreal. I highly recommend everyone check out a full moon ceremony if you can..they only happen once a month (duh!).
It’s strange, I feel closer to him than ever. I feel better about this project than ever. I feel like for the first day in months, I am not only on the path, but actually enjoying the experience of moving down the road. For the first time in a long while, I see my (immediate) future..and as long as something unexpected doesn’t happen, it’s gonna rock!!!
How’s that for positivity?
Tell Me You Love Me
Friday, April 22 2005
Do you think he‘d be good at oral?
I’ve been told by a man who shall remain namelessly close to me that I am a warrior and this is my path and I should relax and enjoy it. Right now, as in today, the only relaxation I seem to get is in the moments that I stop doing whatever it is I have to do to get my work done, and masturbate. Yes, I said MASTURBATE. I think I’ve gone like 5 or 6 times already. It doesn’t take long, not with my trusty little water dancer, and for the 5-10 minutes before I actually cum, I have the clearest head I’ve had in years. He, the above mentioned boy but not the man in the picture, says I should meditate, and I’m thinking about it, but I haven’t got the time to both meditate and masturbate. Although, now that I’ve masturbated enough, maybe next time I’ll sit and “om”. Maybe.
I’m eating poorly, meaning I’m eating the remains of a two week old Carvel birthday cake. It tastes kind of stale but I just can’t stop eating it anyway. It’s better than forgetting to eat, which is what happened Wednesday night after my lecture. A banana is definitely not dinner.
And then in the middle of trying to enjoy my chaotic day, I fell asleep. And now, I’ve just woken up..
So, where was I?
Tell Me You Love Me
Thursday, April 21 2005
Last night went well. At least that’s the response I’m hearing back from others. I wonder if it had gone awful, if it had been a complete disaster, would people really tell me how much I sucked? How fucking awful I was? It doesn’t really matter, I didn’t suck. Most of the couples who came to the workshop stayed around after I was finished to tell me how much they enjoyed listening to me speak. T., the producer of the series of How To videos I’m about to “star” in, told me I played with my hair too much. J., my flova, told me that I can’t talk negatively about myself anymore. L., my #1 fan and #1 friend, told me I did great.
Whatever. The fact that strangers approached me to talk about sex was super-duper cool, especially because it meant I was approachable and easy to talk to. That’s exactly how I’d like to be seen. As a sex educator that people can relate to.
Two people asked me to sign, as in autograph, their copies of Playgirl Magazine. That was a trip. I don’t think I’ve ever signed an autograph before, even if that one guy at AVN this year asked me to cause he thought I was a porn star. They didn’t think I was an adult entertainer last night. And, Of course I tried to act all professional and shit when they asked for my signature, but in my head all I could think was, why me? why do you want me to sign this? I’m just Jamye Waxman the girl who grew up a freak in Plainview, NY.
Still, I realized that I need to practice my signature, the same way I practiced it when I was a little girl and had a crush on Eric M. I signed my name Ms. M. all the damn time. Oh, and then there were the other crushes, and the other future husbands, which is ironic because I don’t even know if I ever want to have a ‘husband’ anymore. I can barely get over the terms boyfriend and girlfriend, even though I may start using the term a little more often (in my own private Idaho that is). But still, when I think about the term I think back to Stacey E.’s basement when I was in tenth grade, when my first (and almost only) boyfriend asked me if I wanted to make “it” official, if I wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I remember thinking it was such an awkward way to broach the subject and it had made me uncomfortable for a brief second, but after it was all said and done we were a couple. And we stayed a couple for the next nine years. Since then I haven’t had anyone that I called boyfriend, even if I can think of one boy who definitely thought he was more than a friend. In fact, it was three years after our “relationship” had ended that he asked me if I missed him at all. It was so strange to me, I had been in other not-so-healthy relationships since him, and had actually not thought much about him, and here he was still thinking a bit about me…Actually, I think he really did love me, was really in love with me, which is ironic cause since then it seems that every guy I like a lot never likes me just the same…I guess that’s just the way it goes…
But that’s not the point here, although I’m not sure what the point here is..oh yes, I think for the first time in six years I’m actually in some semblance of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And it’s great but really, really strange. I can’t believe it’s been six years. I can’t believe this is the first time since then. And I can’t believe how super he is. Really.
Okay, I’ll shut up now. I have videos to produce and movies to cast. Hey, anyone want to have oral sex on camera?
Tell Me You Love Me
Wednesday, April 20 2005
It’s not that I want today to be over, cause I don’t, but I sort of just want today to be over. I hope that makes sense. I’m “teaching” tonight, at the Museum of Sex (see yesterday’s blog) and I’m on a heightened sense of nervouseness alert. That along with trying to reevaluate certain relationships in my life has, most definitely, put me on high stress alert as well. And, I’m a little bit sick..and it’s not just in the head today. Well, actually it is in the head, but it’s more in the throat. Last night it hurt a lot to swallow. A lot lot. In fact I think I woke up numerous times in the evening praying that it wouldn’t hurt so much when I woke up. But you know how it hurts more in the morning than it did at night, or do I have that reversed, well, whatever, I couldn’t swallow for the first few minutes of awake time today. And I’ve been sneezing a lot. But I don’ feel sick outside of some uncomfortable sneezes and a bit of a sort throat. My phlegm isn’t yellow.
I’m going to change my birth control pill. This is my off week, and I’m literally more off than I’ve ever been. I’ve been down all week..and I’m down about tonight..even though I know I will kick butt!!!! (there’s the positive me
Okay, my insecurities are getting the best of me and most people would agree that letting your insecurities show is an ugly thing. A very ugly thing.
I’ll shut up now.
Tell Me You Love Me
Tuesday, April 19 2005
If you live in New York and want to support me…not financially, just emotionally and physically…well, not physically as in have to hold me up physically, but as in being there for me physically - here are the “detes”:
The Museum of Sex
It’s the class I designed called “The Sexth Sense.”
27th St. Between Madison and 5th Ave.
I’m really nervous about being good. Or not boring. I think not boring is more important than good.
Even though you now have to email me to comment..thanks to the spamfuckers, I’d still like to know what you think.
Is it better to be good or not boring?
And what’s the difference between being in love and just loving?
Inquiring minds want to know. Fuck it. I want to know.
Tell Me You Love Me
Monday, April 18 2005
Hey Gregg..this is for you. Me. Happy Times. This Past Saturday. You mad?
…That seems to be my latest and greatest title du jour. I mean, own personal title like Miss Universe or Princess of Wales. Jamye Waxman - Queen of the Damned (Computers). I have the not so midas touch.
First it’s the thinkpad. My own personal baby of a computer. Shipped back to the factory after a “fan error” aneurysm from out of the blue. She won’t be returned to my arms until this Thursday, at least that’s the date the doctors tell me.
Then it was my Mac. I think she can be saved, but right now she’s not feeling so well. I brought her in from the bowels of my parents basement to give to my flova (Friend + lova’) and we plugged her in and kick started her booty just last night. She froze up after a while, but I figured it was just because she’d been out of commission for over a year. However, this morning, after he had left for work, I grumbled out of bed and turned on my baby. Only now she can’t find her finder and without the startup disk, yeah, you probablyl guessed it, the computer is uhm, shall we say, not fucking working.
So, I left my dad’s other laptop at my flova’s, because I have access to computers all day at work and should get mine back in the next few days, while he now has absolutely no computer to use, because my father took his old one to try repair it, because, his computer was supposed to die before mine, but then mine had its aneurysm, and now it’s getting a new fan so it can live again, but there’s still a problem with my dad’s laptop as I can’t seem to get it to access my flova’s high speed connection and that would suck if he couldn’t…and, was that the longest run-on sentence ever yet, or not really?
I taught a class that made me pensive this past Friday. Only it shouldn’t have (felt sad) because everyone else seemed happy. But it was supposed to be this girl’s wedding bachelorette party, only her fiancee cancelled the nuptials a few weeks beforehand, and she didn’t want to cancel the party, so she had it anyway, but her friends called it an empowerment party.
It was awesome. Made me see how life goes on all the time. And today I’m blaming the pill for my emotional life, cause there are some people in this world who can vouch for my emotional retardeness, and yes, I use that word because it seems to fit most appropriately. I need to chill out when it comes to certain things, and care more when it comes to others. I spend too much time obsessing on relationships, and obsessing on this obsession is a current obsession of mine.
Tell Me You Love Me
Friday, April 15 2005
Some days I’m cranky for less than explainable reasons, and today is one of those days. In fact I’m so cranky that I don’t even want to be around me, and if I could peel off my skin and run away I think I would. Every little annoying thing a person can do is pissing me off to a much larger degree than it should. It’s probably not a good day to be social, in fact I’m totally into being anti-social today, but there’s one glitch in my plans. Tonight I have to be social. Shit. It must be PMS.
Tonight I’m teaching a private workshop at a public location and I feel like it might be somewhat of a challenge. Here’s the dileo…it’s for a girl who was supposed to be getting married but isn’t getting married anymore. I am not sure if this ending was her choice or his, well, I have an idea and I don’t think it was her’s, and so this is a how to please your man, please yourself, empowerement sort of workshop. It’s going to require a lot of TLC, and I am trying to save up my energy for 17 women and one “in need of eXXXtra love” special girl.
Last night I had a really bad dream about the end of my relationship. Yes, I said relationship, because even though the boy I “date” is still my flova (friend + lova’), there is a lot of emotional involvement tangled up in it all. And last night I dreamt that me, him and L. my friend who will soon have two eyes of vision, were at a restaurant and I got bossy, he got up, walked out and never came back. Of course I ran out to find him and he was already with another woman, an ex actually, and he had no interest in hearing a word I had to say. I begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, to just give me one more chance, although desperation gets you nowhere, and he didn’t want to talk at all. He kept telling me I’d be alright, something of course I knew, but didn’t want to hear. The thing that scares me more than the thought of him rejecting me is that this whole scenario reminded me a lot of the interactions between me and my nine year relationship, yes I said nine years 1989-1998 (ages:15-24).
Not only did that relationship not end well, but it didn’t really go all that well to begin with. My flova reminded me a lot of my ex. only in my dream, and I reminded me a lot of the girl that I was while I was dating my ex. They say that dreams bring up your insecurities, and shit, when it comes to relationships I have a lot of insecurities to iron out.
A lot of insecurities. Okay, lets change the subject. It’s making me pissy and uncomfortable. I am so exhausted right now I could lay my head down on the cold, hard desk and happily pass out. Which I find mildly scary, being that last night I napped from 7:30-9PM (I had a yummy 10PM dinner with some amazing individuals) and then I slept at least 7 hours after that. So, why the F*** am I so tired?!
I’m running out of steam. Typing takes too much effort. It’s a shame I have no computer at home anymore, cause I could continue this later, but yesterday I had to ship my thinkpad to some other state to get it fixed. I feel like I’ve lost my right hand, only I’d rather lose my computer than actually lose my right hand.
Okay…enough..like I said, everything I say today is pissing me off. Why am I such a crankypants sometimes?
Tell Me You Love Me