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Monday, May 24 2004

Fish. Flowers. Martha Stewart.


I started to write this piece about masturbation because I’m supposed to perform at my friend Abby’s bday party this Thursday and I realized that when we talk about masturbation we use a lot of animal terms in our descriptives. For example:
Choking the Chicken
Petting the Kitty
Stroking your cock (a doodle doo)
Wanking your willy (as in Free Willy - a whale)
Charming the snake

Just thought I’d point this out…
And then, why do we always describe pussy - love the word with me please - as either smelling like fish or flowers?

What do penises smell like? Sometimes too much aftershave, yes, I really do believe guys put perfume on their balls more often than they should, or maybe like socks that got caught in a rainstorm and were hung out to dry - without ever being cleaned first! Maybe we don’t describe dick as much as pussy because for some reason, as a society, we can justify pussy with one word responses. Fish. Flowers. You know what I mean. Maybe men are just more complex. Not really. I’m being, how do you spell fuh-see-cious…Where are those kids from that Spellbound documentary when you need them?!

a.k.a. non-sequitor. I read a fascinating article in Bust Magazine. It was all about Martha Stewart, and HOW FUCKED UP IT IS THAT SHE IS GOING TO JAIL WHEN THERE ARE MUCH BIGGER MALE CRIMINALS WALKING THE STREETS. Do you see what I’m saying? Regardless of what you think of her - Antichrist or No Antichrist - this woman DID NOT get a fair trial. NOT FAIR AT ALL. Powerful women scare big, important men. Read my lips: Salem Witch Hunt. Read the article and you decide…but really, READ THE ARTICLE.

Tell Me You Love Me


15 Responses to “Fish. Flowers. Martha Stewart.”

  1. harry Says:

    Give me a break Jamye. She acted on insider information and got caught. Woman can be criminals too. Martha Stewart being powerful? What kind of threat could she possibly pose to anyone?

    Can you please provide a link to the article. I couldn’t find it. thanks.

  2. mikos Says:

    Flogging the dolphin

    Pounding the platypus

    Croking the kangaroo

    Porking the pig

    Creamo my Nemo

    Resurecting the dinosaur!!!!!

  3. gulshan Says:

    you forgot.. spanking the monkey

    i also wonder why terms used to describe male masturbation are always violent in nature.. (flogging, choking, spanking, pounding)

  4. Jamye Says:

    First of all, I am not saying Martha Stewart is innocent, I am just saying that I THINK A LOT OF SHIT WENT DOWN BECAUSE SHE IS A WOMAN…and a powerful, scary woman at that..that’s all. She may be guilty but there are a lot of guilty men who have done worse things that are still awaiting trial or walking around free.

    Second..as for the masturbation phrases..how could I forget spanking the monkey..thanks Gulshan..sometimes I could use a good spanking.
    Any takers?

  5. jamye Says:

    oh and harry, powerful meaning a lot of money and affiliations..she has the power to turn those ordinary house curtains into something extraordinary

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