The Destroyer. At rest.

I won’t be blogging much after today, although I just found out that there’s wifi on the playa - but I still don’t think I am bringing my computer because I’ve been told that I need to take some time off, and although I know I should leave a happy, happy, joy, joy blog, I’m not there today.

But there are lots of things that are making me happy. Mainly career things. I think when I get back in September, so much will manifest in that area of my chart (as an astrologer might say) and it will all be good.

But…

There’s a woman named Carolyn Myss and I don’t know her at all, nor do I think I ever will, but my boyfriend and one of his friends, they’ve been studying her teachings a bit, and trying to discover the different archetypes that make up their persons. Carolyn believes that each of us is a series of twelve archetypes including the child, the victim, the prostitute and the saboteur. We all have these four archetypes in our “Sacred Contract” (as her book is called) because they are all essential to our survival. The other eight archetypes are decided on based on who we know we are, even if at times we don’t like what that means.

We spent Sunday analyzing Jonny’s chart, and discussing his various archetypes. As I thumbed through the book, and began reading about the various types for myself, I started to pinpoint the archetypes that I could relate to. There is the shape-shifter - a person in a constant state of transition, change or flux (you pick the word), and the teacher - a person who helps others learn. Then there were some others that I know I am that have been biting at my neck like a mosquito or an annoying bird who thinks that your neck isn’t flesh but birdseed.

I believe I’m an outsider rebel. I’ve never felt like I belong. In any group. Anywhere. In high school I had three close girl friends, and now I talk to none of them. In college I had a few more, and really keep in touch with one. I’ve had a lot of jobs since college and have made and lost a lot of friends along the way. I’ve never felt like I belonged and therefore have always considered myself an outsider in any social circle, and yeah, I’m also a bit of a rebel. So, this is def. one archetype I connect with.

Now, this outsider rebel persona is helping aid my other persona, the one that is, and will continue to, get me into a shitload of trouble. That’s the archetype of the destroyer. The destroyer is good at destroying things in her path. Obviously. But what sucks is that no matter how obvious, and no matter how hard I try, I still manage to get myself into spaces that aim at destroying everything. It’s as if I’m in a straight jacket and I still manage to stab myself with a pencil. It’s frustrating and drives me crazy and makes me think that maybe what I’m afraid of is being with someone, more than being alone. I didn’t know what to call it before this weekend, but this personality, this destroyer, she can ruin everything.

I don’t want to be her anymore. I think I need to get to Burning Man more than I realized that I needed to. My goal there: To be present. Always. And to eliminate some of this destroyer personality.

As they say in yiddish…Oy vey.