I started to write this piece about masturbation because I’m supposed to perform at my friend Abby’s bday party this Thursday and I realized that when we talk about masturbation we use a lot of animal terms in our descriptives. For example:
Choking the Chicken
Petting the Kitty
Stroking your cock (a doodle doo)
Wanking your willy (as in Free Willy - a whale)
Charming the snake

Just thought I’d point this out…
And then, why do we always describe pussy - love the word with me please - as either smelling like fish or flowers?

What do penises smell like? Sometimes too much aftershave, yes, I really do believe guys put perfume on their balls more often than they should, or maybe like socks that got caught in a rainstorm and were hung out to dry - without ever being cleaned first! Maybe we don’t describe dick as much as pussy because for some reason, as a society, we can justify pussy with one word responses. Fish. Flowers. You know what I mean. Maybe men are just more complex. Not really. I’m being, how do you spell fuh-see-cious…Where are those kids from that Spellbound documentary when you need them?!

ANOTHER PLACE ENTIRELY
a.k.a. non-sequitor. I read a fascinating article in Bust Magazine. It was all about Martha Stewart, and HOW FUCKED UP IT IS THAT SHE IS GOING TO JAIL WHEN THERE ARE MUCH BIGGER MALE CRIMINALS WALKING THE STREETS. Do you see what I’m saying? Regardless of what you think of her - Antichrist or No Antichrist - this woman DID NOT get a fair trial. NOT FAIR AT ALL. Powerful women scare big, important men. Read my lips: Salem Witch Hunt. Read the article and you decide…but really, READ THE ARTICLE.