At first I was planning to ramble on about penis enlargement pills today, after watching this vlog on Dr. Yvonne Fulbright’s new sensual fusion site, but that will have to wait for another day, thanks to this horrific link (NSFW) to “embarrassing bodies” courtesy of my friend Matie from Self Serve Toys.

Look, I know that we’re not all model perfect. Trust me. I’ve dated a man who told me (on multiple occasions) that I’m not even close to being a model, and that he normally only dated models, but perhaps in that one particular f&%ked up situation my dazzling personality was cause for exception. (Don’t ask why I kept dating him, that’s a whole other blog, and one I’m still trying to figure out sometimes).

I’ve grown up with body image issues, yep, have had them my whole life. My grandparents tried to bribe me to lose weight in fifth grade and my mother had to deal with her own “stuff” when it came to being thin. And thanks to being alive while she dealt with that stuff, her issues inadvertently got pushed on to me. I was chubby as a kid, and still struggle with the ups and downs of being petite without being paper thin. And I’ve talked about my issues with my own breasts, or rather my large areola, and I still deal with looking at my less than model-perky-perfect boobage and telling myself that it’s all okay.

I know you know, but I’ll say it again. I’m not a fan of plastic surgery, even if  lots of young women I’ve met in LA tell me to start botox now, before the wrinkles take over my face. I think that there’s a beauty in being human, that’s the shape and form we’ve been given to work with, and we can work with it. I do. I spin. I hike. I dance. I hoop. I work out. I take care of my body because I want it to look hard and big and strong and sexy. And I can’t say I’d never do anything to myself, I get what happens as we age and I know, firsthand, that growing older is a bitch, especially as a woman. But for now, I’m keeping the skin I’m in and working out hard and learning to love myself more every day.

But you can’t work out your labia. Not really. And so, a woman either has to accept them as they are, or give in to the idea that they’re not good enough and go under the knife. What bugs the sh*% out of me in that horrific link is the idea that larger labia are embarrassing. It just makes me sick. No one says that a man with an extremely low dangling ball sac should shorten his scrotum, or that a man with a small penis should take some skin from his arm and add it to his rod, but yet we continue to discuss the idea that plastic surgery is okay if her inner lips hang lower or flower fuller than her outer ones. Why? WHY? WHY?!

Why is this wrong? Why is this ugly and cause for distress? I don’t get it. Maybe because my labia have never been a cause for concern in my mind, maybe that’s why I can’t understand this. But I can relate it back to my boobs, and still I don’t get it. If someone only loves you for how you look, what good are they? And if you only love yourself for how you look, what’s going on inside?

Maybe I’ve just been questioning a lot for too long, but in the end large lips, small dicks, none of it matters. We all go to the same storybook place in the sky, or somewhere else up above, down below, or anywhere in between, when it’s all said and done. I guess if labia surgery makes you feel like a winner, then I can’t stop you, just like if a boob job makes you feel more confident, sexy and secure, then go ahead and inflate that ego. But if it’s not going to really change how you feel about yourself, only how others perceive you, is it really worth the cutting and pasting and all that jazz?

Me thinks not.

And next time you want to see what a model really looks like, watch this: