According to research reported in Science Daily, satisfactory sex (as in intercourse) lasts somewhere between 3 and 13 minutes. While guys all over the world are now patting themselves on the back for long(ish) lasting performances, women of the world are sighing. See, the confusing thing here is that it’s only SEX these researchers are talking about, as in insert your dong in my ding (or your dong in my dunghole, or your dong in both my ding and my dunghole - impossible, yes, at the same time, but not in the same night - but never go from dunghole to ding without washing that shit off).

I can hear it now. The screams of angry men who were told that women want sexual excitement for at least 20 minutes before they’re satisfied, or even starting to feel satisfied. I can hear the rattling of bedposts everywhere demanding time…lots of time…time back…time moving forward…less time for sex…more time for sexless acts…but women still need time, sometimes, to get aroused…more than 13 minutes of time…

WHY?! Why do we keep putting numbers on our time in bed, out of bed, inside another person, with another person inside of us? Is it because we’re a numbers oriented society? Is it because we looooove numbers?

Penn State Erie researchers Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani conducted a survey of 50 (NUMBER) full members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and found that thirty-four (ANOTHER NUMBER), or 68 (THERE’S THAT NUMBER THING AGAIN) percent, of the group responded and rated a range of time amounts for sexual intercourse, from penetration of the vagina by the penis until ejaculation, that they considered adequate, desirable, too short and too long.

MORE NUMBERS!!! The average therapists’ responses defined the ranges of intercourse activity times: “adequate,” from 3-7 minutes; “desirable,” from 7-13 minutes; “too short” from 1-2 minutes; and “too long” from 10-30 minutes.

For me, the biggest problem with this study is that now that they define a “longee” as anything over 13 minutes, when you want more loving, and your partner doesn’t, then they can claim that research says you should be adequately satisfied. 50 people research that is.

Maybe sex will last longer if we all keep our socks on. According to (more) research out of the University of Groningen cold feet cause women to fake orgasm, or make it harder for women to achieve orgasm. The BBC reports:

When they gave the couples socks to wear, about 80% of the couples were able to achieve orgasm compared with 50% previously in this staged environment.

So much research when the fun part is in the experimenting.