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Sunday, June 1 2008

Make Your Own Semen

Read my masturbation interview with sexuality guru Cory Silverberg at about.com. I know today is the first day of June, and that means Masturbation May is over, but that doesn’t mean you should stop masturbating.

Speaking of mental masturbation, right now I can’t put down Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach. I’m seriously inspired by the book, and although I’m a few months passed the hype, it’s made me think really long and hard - long and hard, yeah, and fat and thick and warm - about the amount of sex research that’s out there, and the depths people will go to simulate, and stimulate, sex in a whole host of ways. From making love in an MRI machine to famous sex doctors who stuck things in their own urethral openings, how far we’ll go to understand sex, or how far we still need to go to understand our own sexual function, is a fascinating, funny, sad and outrageous story. And sometimes when we go the distance to make sex, we also go the distance to fake sex, for the sake of making fake sex look real.

I know you’ll probably be totally surprised by what I’m about to type, and I hope that I don’t ruin the illusion you have of adult cinema, but, drumroll please….even in porn you’ve got to fake it to make it every once in a while (and I’m not talking about the women being the one to fake it here - that happens more than every once in a while). While dudes often produce duds for what’s called a FIP, (Fake Internal Pop), they generally get it on and get it off, in a second pop, one that maybe should be called a REP (Real External Pop). However, sometimes when they’ve got to let one blow, and they can’t get ‘im to let out some steam, they concoct a variety of store-bought items to make the pop shot pop. Things that to the naked eye, will look, but not often taste, like the real deal.

Whence shooting porn in LA, I was asked if I wanted to fake a pop shot (I didn’t). Fake real pops are done for saving time, especially for the sake of still photos (because the photographer has to come back after all the other shots are done, just to get a pop shot). I would never, and will never, do a fake pop just to save a few minutes of time for the photographer, but I would do it if, and only if, I had to save face. Still that day I was semi-schooled in the ways one could recreate a man’s ejaculate for the camera. I’m sure for the non-semen enthusiasts out there, these fake pop shots are “even better than the real thing.” Especially if they are on the verge of having to deal with the real thing in their real lives.

So here’s a short list of household items that can replace semen in a pinch. For the time when semen is asked to show its tail, but for some reason it can’t make it to the main event.

  • Cetaphil - yes, the moisturizing soap that’s soft on sensitive skin is a big crowd pleaser when it comes to faking the pop shot. I guess if you’ve got to get a facial, might as well get one that you can use to wash your face with afterwards.
  • 7 milliliters room-temperature water mixed with 7.16 grams of cornstarch. Stir for five minutes, and voila, it’s warm, thick and uhm, semeny I suppose. *
  • Powdered sugar mixed with water. For the times when it’s got to be sticky, sweet.
  • Hair Conditioner. Depending on where he fakes the hair conditioner pop shot, one may have the opportunity to jump in the shower and condition one’s pubic hair.
  • Pina Colada Mix - it might look a little bit less like the real deal than some of the other options, but it’s white, thick and creamy, and you can mix it with alcohol afterwards and continue to party.

*From Bonk, p. 127

I prefer the real thing myself, as long as it’s not in my eyes, but now that I’ve been thinking about the fake deal, I may have to go home and try these other methods out on my main man. In the name of sex research of course, and to see which ones taste best (I think I’ll skip tasting the soap and the conditioner). Actually, I feel quite fascinated with fake come right now, and outside of the fact that I think it’s strange and I like strange things, I think it’s because I see the potential for this bit of information in my next book project.

So when I get home tomorrow (I’m in North Carolina today) I’ll go straight for the man-made real deal and then, after we’ve had a go of that, I’ll go straight for the soap, the shampoo and the sugar. And if you have a fake come recipe you’d like to share, don’t be shy. Share away, and I’ll let you know if it’s a winner.

Tell Me You Love Me


2 Responses to “Make Your Own Semen”

  1. J Says:

    If you are enjoying Bonk, you might like this piece on Mary Roach, which talks about the book and give a bit more background on her:

  2. cetaphil Says:

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