Question: My husband thinks that using sex toys means I’m not into having sex with him anymore. We have never tried a toy, but I’ve been shopping around online and want to surprise him with a vibrator to use on me for Valentines Day. How can I assure him that using a toy with him doesn’t mean he’s not man enough for me, that I’m just bored and I want to try something new?

Answer: For starters, avoid using the word “bored” when talking about your sex life, and instead get excited about expanding what sex means in your life. From there, things will get easier, even if they seem difficult right now. One way to introduce a vibrator into your life is to introduce the same vibrator into his life first. Go with something non-intimidating (hint: avoid the 12 inch vibrating blue mega cock) and something that he can see a guy using as well. I’m really into the Form 2 right now (video here), and because it sort of looks like a heart it makes for a fitting gift  for Valentines Day. Plus it’s compact (size can matter), it’s powerful (or not as powerful), it offers a variety of features (speed and pulsation) and the Form 2 comes in black, which after the success of Coke Zero over Diet Coke (same thing, different can) leads me to believe men feel more comfortable buying, drinking and using black objects.

If you prefer something that’s meant simply for intercourse, check out the we-vibe (useless party information: it was the top selling toy of 2010). It’s designed to be worn during intercourse and can stimulate both of you at the same time.

Next, on Valentines Day draw him a bath. Set the mood in the room by dimming the lights, or get a colored bulb, or light candles. Put on sexy music. Pull out a blindfold. Place the blindfold over his eyes and instruct him to relax. Tickle him with a feather or massage him with oils.  When he’s good and relaxed, and possibly hard, bring out the vibrator and use it on him (yes, even the we-vibe.) Use lube to help it glide all over his body. Start on his chest and work your way down to his legs. Then head to his shaft and balls, and maybe even to the perineum (aka taint). Make him understand that this toy is for both of you and see if that helps alleviate his anxiety and fear. If he seems receptive to the toy, ask him if he’d like to try it on you after you’ve spent plenty of time on him.

Then, after Valentines Day, don’t use the toy together for a little while (you can still use it to masturbate alone of course). Re-introduce it to your partnered sex life every so often. If he gets more comfortable, bring it on out again and again.

And remember, it’s not that you’re bored, it’s that you’re bold. You’re willing to understand that this isn’t easy for your husband, but still you want to show him how it can work to benefit both of you!

For more inspiration, check out this video of my dear friends Freddy and Eddy. They went from not using sex toys to owning an online sex toy store!