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Tuesday, January 25 2011

The Tea Bag

Jamaica. Ten Minutes before posting.

I know it’s Tuesday and you’re used to seeing video of me, shot in one take, on my iPhone, in my private studio nestled away in my mansion in the Hollywood Hills. But since 1/2 of that first sentence is a lie (you decide which half), I’ll stop now, and start telling the truth. I’m in Jamaica, it’s warm, and everybody else is drinking all day and partying all night (I can’t) and I have a load of sex toys in my bag, in my room, and at least one partner to play with, or actually many people if I so choose. Generally, I choose a more monogamous lifestyle for my personal pleasure because I like it less complicated and believe it or not, I’m shy, really shy sometimes, especially in all out situations where sex is available and, in some cases, expectantly anticipated.

The truth is, I’m enjoying the beauty of a tropical place without cell service (and yeah, I still have my internet) and so the last thing I want is to get the iPhone all set up (so you know that part ain’t the lie) and talk about a toy I haven’t tested yet, because in the last few days I’ve been busy with the sex part (and TMI it’s been fun) but not with the toy part. For my neurotic Jewish self (which isn’t as big a part of me as it once was), the dilemma grows even stronger because I’m all about reliability this year, and now I’m not giving you what I promised to deliver, oy vey, but still, I’m giving you something to add something, something to your sexy time.

It’s a tea bag. Stay with me for a second.

Preferably one with a little zing, zest or tingle.

Isn’t it time to find new ways to drink your tea? When’s the last time you dipped a peppermint tea bag in warm water, then gently drizzled down your lovers chest, belly and thighs? Or when’s the last time you took that warm, juicy tea bag and use it to draw wet, happy thoughts on your lover’s tummy? Have you ever given much thought to how it feels when it dangles from the tab, the one up-top that reveals what kind of tea it is (those allow more options than tea bags without tabs, since those are like flat bags that you can rub along the body, or put in your mouth during oral sex, albeit it gets quite large and distracting, and then tease your lover using your tongue and the bag).

Try it once. Make yourself a cup of tea, then re-use the bag for other things. It’s one way to recycle, right? Let the tea bag linger over the head of his penis or the tips of her nipples. Smack your lover with the bag-o-tea for silly, sexy times. Lube him up with tea bag or two, and then take him down with your mouth.  Suck on her tea-stained nipples until she can’t take it anymore. Whatever you do, think of teabagging as more than just his balls anchored in another person’s mouth or a third party with strong political intentions. Think of the tea bag, plain and simple, as something simple and plain that you can use, in lieu of a sex toy, one time, sometimes, or all the time.

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