It was long ago and it was far away...
I was looking for a quick blog post from many moons ago when I scrolled over to a month and a year that I don’t remember in detail (I love the archives bar, a feature I rarely use on my site, but a feature that made me realize I’ve been blogging for a while). I realized I have this online journal of my life to help me remember things that I honestly otherwise would not remember. And then this one time in band camp…I’ll stop now.
NOTE: The rest of this post is just a barrage of verbal TMI diarrhea. Read on only if you’re ready for an explosion that splatters everywhere. (ewww..)
I found posts that made my life sound the same in so many ways, only younger. But I was more open and honest because it was before I got seriously head-deep in 5 years of relationships. Today I’m single and figuring out what I want in my life. I realize the way I want to date is way different than the way I once dated. I came to this conclusion after I stopped dating. For the past four months I’ve been highly introspective and interested in what the f*ck it all means, on top of trying to figure out what a good f*ck really is. I know the technical stuff, but there’s more to it than that. A lot more.
And I’m going to make a confession. I’ve been celibate since October. For some of you I know that’s not a long time, and four months without sex is one thing, but for me, it’s a long time to go without cuddling and kissing. I’m not even cuddling and kissing these days. I’m protective of myself, of my body, and who gets to get close to me. And I’m cool with staying protective, but I’m also at the point where it’s okay to not be celibate any longer. It just has to be right. Almost too right maybe. Which might be quite wrong.
TMI. I love me some TMI.
A long time ago I was anything but, and sometime in the not too distant future I am sure I’ll be the opposite of celibate again. I was looking back at my blog and I realized how different I feel now, but how similar it all still is. I think of spiraling upward in life and realizing that although you’re in a different space, what occupies that space can still be similar to what you once experienced. I read old posts like getting a life and four trains in two hours and thought about my times in New York, and how they were different, but today in LA I still feel the same inside.
If I’m not making much sense, it’s because I’m just letting the blog go..I mean I’m letting myself go on the blog..no more apologies though..
Today, five years later, I’m older and more grounded. Still I have some of the same questions. The difference is that now I feel more equipped to find what I’m looking for. I’m a ninja in training, whereas before I didn’t even know I was a ninja. Tomorrow I may find some other ninjas in training, or at least I’ll be on an adventure, in Jamaica. Yes, that’s right, I’m heading back to the same place where I was shooting sex last March. Ironically, I wasn’t having any when I was there, which I say is ironic because not only was I shooting it, but the resort is known for it’s “loose” rules. Maybe, looking at my life now, that’s not ironic at all.