The phone and I.

Is this phone sex? If you have to ask..read on!

But first - we interrupt your regularly scheduled sneak peak at my article for this confession:

I’ve written a guide to phone sex for beginners for Your Tango, but the truth is I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had phone sex myself (I can probably even count it on less than one hand). I know it seems weird. If you’ve ever met me, you know that I’m quite the talker when it comes to socializing or even teaching a workshop, but I’ve always been quite shy about moaning and groaning over the phone. Today I’m making a promise to be shy no more when it comes to dial-up sex. Ever since I talked with Susie Bright, Amy Levine, Sindy St. James and Ellie Lumpesse, I can say, with utter confidence (but still lack of practice), that I would be really good at this phone sex thing.

So, me thinks it’s time to start pushing some buttons.

Et tu?

And here’s the beginning of my writing @ Your Tango:

It can start with a simple question like: “What are you wearing?” Other times it starts with a focus on breathing or a loving, but stern, command. And sometimes it starts with a simple “hello” and an ordinary conversation. No matter how it begins, once it’s underway you’d better hope you have unlimited minutes. If you’re having phone sex, there’s no telling how long the call will last or how hot and bothered you’ll get.

If you’re feeling even the least bit weird about spicing up your airwaves, know that a recent survey by Cosmopolitan magazine said that 85 percent of guys would like their girl to give it to them good—over the phone. But your partner’s participation isn’t the key to enjoying phone sex—you are. Alan, a phone sex enthusiast, says that after phone sex his girlfriend showered him with compliments. “She told me that she was amazed at my ability to satisfy her—when, in fact, she was satisfying herself. All I was doing was enhancing the experience.”

Click for the rest of the story.

In this week’s Sex News Square Down a look at Evangelicals who enjoy ecstatic orgasms. Plus, teen sexting and one writer poses the question, why do liberal men have such a hard time with abortion?

• Sex Positive Evangelicals? A look at those who are preaching the power of sex in marriage.(RHRealityCheck)
• Better late than pregnant (well, if you read the link below that is)..Judith Levine’s brilliant piece on teen sexting. What’s worse than predatory adults? How about other viscous teenagers. (The American Prospect)
• An anonymous essay on abortion (originally printed on Nerve.com) provides us with a look at why liberal men aren’t so liberal when it comes to the a-word. And is anyone out there willing to publish the pamphlet, “So You’re Eating a Cheeseburger With Your Man and Abortion Comes Up?” (Alternet)
• In Kansas you can’t read about The Joy of Sex or The Joy of Gay Sex until you at least 18 - because if you find joy in sex before you’re 18, then what? Marty Klein makes me laugh with his 10 reasons to support this absurd book ban. (The Legal Satyricon)
• Does raunchy music make children want to have sex?  I think the better question is when are we going to stop trying to blame every musician and book and start teaching accurate sex education instead? (US News and World Report)
• Ready to brush up on your lesbian? A list of the top ten types of lesbians is available for your studies (Lezgetreal)
• Looking for something to do tonight in NY? Make it a gala night, with the Cinekink opening night part-ay. (Cinekink)

What do a guy who loves feet, a girl who has none, the Baroness and a pedophile all have in common?

They all appear as characters in Daniel Bergner’s interesting and easy-to-read new book, The Other Side of Desire.  Bergner, who recently wrote a really fascinating NY Times article on female sexuality and its malleable nature (as opposed to male sexuality), immerses himself both in his subject’s lives, and in their desires. He’s appears to be your average, middle-aged man, with a wife and two kids, who’s inquisitive nature takes him to places that not everybody would be willing to go.

The first section brings us close to a man who loves feet, but never brings us to one of those foot fetish parties that I know used to happen in this city. It’s a good read, but not, by any means, the strongest section of the book.

As the book progresses, so does the writing, and the second chapter, this one on the Baroness, explores the desire of a true sadist. For those of you who don’t know the Baroness, she’s one of NY’s underground celebrities, not to mention a well-respected fashion designer. But what I find so amazing about the Baroness is that she really gets off on inflicting pain on those who love receiving it..and she lives this part of her life almost every minute of every day. And this is where I thought the book got really good, but again, Bergner doesn’t dive into the experience himself (although I guess that’s how a journalist should do it). Still, I’d like to know if he ever got sucked into her sucky bed?

Section three delves into what will be, for most readers, the least comfortable part of the book (although a guy being roasted like a pig on a spit was probably one of the hardest parts for me to digest). This is a section on pedophiles. Here we follow Roy, a man who’s flirtation with his teenage stepdaughter has gone awry. I appreciate how Bergner shares his own thoughts about this, about what its like to have his own daughter and how he humanizes the men and their process of discovery and recovery. In this chapter I also learned a new phrase:

Masturbatory reconditioning.

“The basic procedure was that a patient with pedophilia, fetishism or (in those days) homosexuality would be instructed to masturbate, with a Playboy magazine within easy reach. When the patient started to approach orgasm, he was supposed to grab the magazine and focus intently on the nude adult female just before and during ejaculation. This was supposed to establish erotic interest in adult females.”

The last section, titled “The Devotee” is another well-written, and fascinating story, about men who love women who are missing limbs. It’s not that they just happen to love women with limbs missing, it’s that this is one of the reasons they really (again the need to italicize the really) love these women. I thought this last section provided a beautiful closing for a terrific-ly bizarre book on love, lust and longing.

Today is the 19th of February. This means Valentines Day is over (hallelujah!) but love, of all kinds, always surrounds us. The Other Side of Desire looks at four of those kinds. Four kinds of love, or lust, you don’t always talk about, think about or even want to know about. It doesn’t matter if you agree with all that’s in this book, if you’re an open-minded individual willing to take a journey to the other side of desire, you won’t regret it.

The Other Side of Desire: Four Journey into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing by Daniel Bergner (Amazon.com).

In this weeks Sex News Square Down we flashback to Cher in a bathtub and then flash forward to a NYC event you won’t want to miss. In between we’ll reminisce about the songs that made us want to put our hands on other people’s orifices, discuss ways to green our sex life and the value of condoms.

• Remember the time when Cher sang about it being in his kiss? Well she was onto something, even if what she thought she was onto was a number one hit. When it comes to a kiss, new studies suggest that smooching can tell you a lot about your body, and your chemistry. (Reuters)
• File this under cut and paste (that’s what I’ve done with the title of this one, and the one below) “Why Using Sex Toys, Watching Porn, and Going Green Is an Easy Fit.” (Alternet.org)
• “Sex Tips for Greens.” (Chico News and Review)
• The Onion’s A.V. Club pays homage to 30 songs about the licking and sucking of various body parts. (The AV Club)
• Still looking for excuses to have more sex? A reminder of the health benefits of lots-o-lovin’. (The Sacramento Bee)
• Of course, lots-o-lovin’ depends on your age and your state of mind. If you’re young, or not sure about what can happen when you have sex, read Alfie Patten’s story. It’s just another example of why proper sex education is so needed in schools. (The Sun)
• And if the above story inspires you to practice safer sex, or even if it doesn’t, check out Planned Parenthood’s compilation of condom videos. (youtube.com)
• Meet the best dyke porn producer in San Francisco, and one of the best, if not the current reigning champion of dyke porn, in the world. (SF Weekly blog)
• Happening in NY this Friday: A dialogue on Sex in America: Can the Conversation Change? Worth the time if you’re in town, it’s a panel discussion featuring some of the best and the brightest of the EC. (The Open Center)

I posted this on intent.com today.

It’s the time of year where candy hearts and sappy cards help people express themselves to the ones they love. But with all the brouhaha about Valentines Day being about the other people in your life, how can you show some love to the most important person you know? By doing something special for you, of course. Whether it be a tarot reading, a tasty treat or an orgasm, it’s time to show yourself some big love. Below are just a few of suggestions.

Get a tarot reading. If you’re interested in knowing where you’re going in life, but not sure where to start, let the cards set you on a path. Even if you’ve never trusted in tarot, Golda of Golden Tarot, is the perfect person to help you help yourself. Whether it’s about love, loss or life in general, a tarot reading can help you move forward with your life, or help you focus on what’s important in the here and now.

Mix yourself a drink, but not just any drink – something a bit strange and a whole lot yummy. Triple Eight Vodka makes interestingly colored, and deliciously flavored, vodkas that don’t look like any vodka you’ve ever seen before.

To read the rest, follow this link.

I can’t wait to finish a fabulous book on fetishists (Daniel Bergner’s book The Other Side of Desire), and then share my review with y’all. And yes I’m saying y’all even though I’m a born and bred New Yorker cause I’m feeling a bit Texas today, which might have to do with the fact that I just read me some Jenny Block. Or maybe it has to do with that I’m in DC right now, which is further south than New York.

Regardless of why I’m going all down south on you, it comes down to this. Whatever state you’re in, or feeling in right now, I have two Fetish related pieces of news to share with y’all (let ‘em all out now I say) this fine, fine Friday. It’s the kind of news that could make you get out your plastic, or your pen.

• Eros Boutique, one of the best places online for fetishists and other kinksters is having a sale until tomorrow. 20% off everything on their site.

• If you’ve got a fetish, YourTango wants you to submit, err, I mean send them a submission. And yes, you will get paid.

Call for submissions:

Do you have a fetish? YourTango is looking for personal essays from people with sexual fixations on objects, ideas or body parts. We want to get inside your head and learn what you think and feel about your proclivity and how it affects your relationships.

Your preference can be common or unknown—cross-dressing, erotic asphyxiation, plushies, pony play, etc—all are welcome. You can be an intense fetishist—you need to incorporate your preference into every sex act in order to experience pleasure—or someone who enjoys the activity but doesn’t require it for pleasure.

We’re not looking for erotic writing or graphic descriptions of what goes on in your bedroom, although the essay will probably need an overview of how a particular preference works. Instead, we want to
understand the psychology behind your desire.

Some questions to get you started: When did you discover you had this preference? How did you begin to incorporate into your sex life? When did you first suggest it to a partner, and how did that person react? If you’re single and dating,
how do you introduce the idea to a new lover? If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, how have you incorporated it into your sex life? Has the fetish ever caused disagreements or fights between you and a partner? Has it brought you closer to someone? What are your emotions surrounding your fetish?  Would your love life be different if you didn’t have this preference?

We also welcome pitches from fetish newbies or one-timers—you don’t need to be a knowledgeable insider to tell an insightful, interesting story. Write about doing something you’d always thought about but had never tried, or the time a date asked you for a sex act you’d never heard of, or attempting a wacky idea with your partner just for the heck of it. Did you like it, or decide it wasn’t for you? What did you think and feel before, during and after the act? How did you talk about it with your partner? Did it bring you closer together or further apart, or neither? Did you learn anything from the experience?

Send pitches to Nicole Perri, Nicole@yourtango.com.

Confessions from the Art Shanty Projects of the 612 (that’s Minneapolis, in case you don’t have an area code fetish like I do).

Below are anonymous spillages of honest admittance from the church on the ice, where you knelt down in front of a big fish and wrote it all out:

Photo: Alan Turkus

Inspired by Audacia Ray‘s post, 10th Anniversary: Love Letters to NYC,  and upon only recently venturing back to town myself, I’ve decided to list some things that have made my 12 or more (on and off) years of living in New York well worth the cramped quarters and lack of outdoor space. These do not include the obvious list of friends and loved ones that it should include. That would get boring, and this isn’t about that.

• The lady on the Williamsburg Bridge on a sweltering summer day who decided that it would be best to walk across the bridge with her shirt unbuttoned and bra exposed, then suffer through the heat.

• There was also the homeless man who scammed me and my friend in Washington Square Park. He gave the whole schpeel about selling papers for Street News, which was once this homeless paper that was made and distributed for homeless people in New York, but now it no longer exists. When they’d approach you to buy a paper, they had this very scripted dialogue that says I know it’s not the best job, but it’s a job that keeps me off the streets, etc. Anyway, he said the schpeel, and then I bought a paper from him for $2, only to realize he just sold me the free Metro paper I could have picked up for myself, in any green box around the city.

• Saint Reverend Jen has a troll museum in her apartment. Not to mention her ridiculously cute sidekick, Reverend Jen Jr. There’s something about walking down the street and bumping into an art star and her faithful chihuahua that - without fail - will always make me smile.

• You never know who might stop by, or when. When I worked at Babeland, Michael Stipe came into the store to make the video for Supernatural, Superserious, and before that Moby opened up a tea shop two doors down from where we were. Plus David Lee Roth lived around the corner, and Paul’s Boutique (think Beastie Boys) was just across the street. But still, the star that got the most attention was always Richard Bey (at least when I used to book stars on radio). I think it’s a New York thing.

• While I don’t love, or agree with, the Disneyfication of Times Square, there’s something ridiculous about the fact that when sex was bleached out of parts of New York, they brought in Disney. Especially since Disney is the dirtier of the two options.

• Hearing stories about a friend’s $10 hand jobs (back in the day) - the ones he’d get off of 10th Avenue somewhere up in the 30′s (I’m talking streets, not years). Not to mention the whole ring of sex that was happening at Little Michael’s deli back in the late 1990s. And you could also walk into a bar of the most beautiful women in the world, only to find out they were, or are, men.

• That no matter how lonely it is, it’s never that lonely when you live in an apartment building and the walls are thin. Which reminds me that when you can hear your neighbors experiencing an ecstatic, orgasmic moment, that’s pretty cool too. And a total turn on.

• I’ve watched my own porn in a theater, and large restaurant (for Porn Week). And Cinekink and the Pleasure Salon were both started here. Plus, we have a group called Kinky Jews and an erotic party called Chemistry. We may not have as much happening sexually as say, San Francisco, but still, we’ve got it going on.

• The Sex Blogger Calendar and the love and community that made it all happen.

• Individuality and the subtle (or not so subtle) appreciation of its uniqueness. Especially in the form of the made-up man, who sits on the steps of some upscale furniture store everyday, wearing only white clothes (including white gloves), a white wig, and loads of gunked on makeup. Which reminds me of the old grandmother I’d see on Madison at 28th Street a few years back who’s makeup made her look like an overdone kewpie doll. What I’m trying to say is that no matter how much, or how little, one blends in their makeup, when you’re in New York you will always be able to blend in………………or at least not stand out as much as you would somewhere else.

Most sex toys don’t last forever. It’s a sad but true fact, whether it’s the result of a breakup (ah, the memories), motor malfunctions, droppage or a heavy hand.  There’s no getting around this (except to only use non-vibrating stainless steel or silicone dildos), but I’ve got some good news for those of us who’s sex toys have gone the way of sex toy heaven. And this good news even has some added incentive. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it because you’re oh so green (as in environmental, and not on the verge of puking) or because your personal object of pleasure just doesn’t work anymore, whatever the reason, the folks at Dreamscapes, LLC want to help soften the blow of saying bye-bye to your sexy thing. They’ve set up a program where you can recycle your old, used, abused, or just plain dead toys for twats, bums, pricks or nips, and they’ll give you a $10 gift card to vibratorshopping.com so you can move on with a smile.

So, next time your toy(s) no longer serves your needs, snail mail it to their recycling program in Florida. (If you live in the UK, Love Honey will recycle your rabbit.)  Of course it’s thoughtful if you clean it first, not to mention sanitary and recommended, and then you package it up and ship it the way of your old, Jewish grandmother. After you’ve sent it buh-bye, Dreamscapes will take care of the dirty work. And yes, they can recycle the batteries too.

If you want to learn more, including where to send your overloved and currently underused toy(s), the website is recycle sex toys. Plus, check out Inside the Business of Recycling Sex Toys (St. Petersburg Times) for a profile of who they are and why they’re happy to touch the toys that no longer love you back.

In case you’ve missed this:

Myspace recently said there’s no space for sex offenders on its social networking site, booting over 90,000 offenders from its pages in recent days. Facebook is said to be following suit, but nothing has been confirmed. In 2007 Myspace removed 29,000 users, and this new number is obviously three times that.

Should social networking sites have stricter standards when you sign up to network? And who’s job is it to surf around and identify what is a convicted (I assume) sex offender?

Yes, this is a good thing. But it also reminds me that when you have a page on Myspace and facebook, big brother really is watching you.

Sex Offenders Booted Off MySpace. (BBC)