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Saturday, January 12 2008

Monogamy in Vegas

Fleshbot has about summed up my workshops here.

I’m teaching two more workshops today, but if you can’t attend in person, here’s a sampling from my monogamy without monotony workshop. And if you do attend in person, as a fan, I’d love to know what you get out of being here, in Vegas, surrounded by loads of silicone boobies (and some beautifully real ones too). Or is that what you get out of it?


Monogamy, a term that came about in order for men to ensure that their offspring sprang from the womb of one woman, is not something natural, as in it’s not the way nature intended things to be. Now, I’m not saying that monogamy isn’t all fine and dandy, or that it’s not the most popular method of living and loving around, but it’s just not natural. That’s all.

Still, just because it’s not natural doesn’t mean it’s not popular. Sure it’s great to find the one person you want to grow old with forever, but it’s also a fact that it isn’t easy to always grow old together with grace, love and excitement. But I don’t want to talk about the growing old part, I’m much more interested in the growing together and getting it on part. And that’s not always easy either.

So what can you do to get keep your relationship hot? As in happening? Like not dead, or dour?
For starters, talking about your sex life outside of the bedroom may help. When you tell your partner what you want and how you want it done you’re helping your partner learn how to please you. And pleasure is good. In fact, knowledge is pleasure. But when you do it with a “no, not there” or “stop now” when he or she is in the middle of doing it, it’s not so good and definitely not so pleasurable (either for you or for them). Instead, when you’re talking about your sex life over dinner or coffee, and not dinner or coffee in bed, it’s a better thing. And it’s an even better thing when you keep it positive. Like, “I love when you do this…” or “I’d love more of this,” than it is when you say “no, not like that.” You don’t want your partner to be afraid to try new things because you might not like them; instead you want them to be willing to have fun and play. And that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do things you don’t like. But it does mean you should be willing to try even things you aren’t sure you will like…at least once.

If you want to try new things but don’t necessarily know how your partner will respond when you ask to be tied down and f*cked in the ass, then send it in an email instead. Lists are great ways to figure out a whole bunch of new things to do. If you send your partner ten things you want to try, in the order you want to try them, they can then send them back to you in their order of preference. And then you can compromise and actually get to try new things!

Of course you can always not talk as well. As in use no words whatsoever. Take a whole day, or weekend if you can, where you have to learn to communicate with your partner in other ways, or other languages – meaning the language of silence. This will help you figure out other things you can do to express yourself.

When it comes to action, there’s nothing better than learning about your lover through mutual masturbation. That doesn’t mean you can’t get it on after you get off alone, but it does mean you should do it up loud and proud. Watching the way your partner strokes his penis will let you discover if he’s a shaft or head man. Watching the places your partner rubs her clit, will let you know if she likes it a little to the left or to the right or even head on, and both will show you the moves you should make.

And then once you’ve got those down, or before you get down to it, pretend you’ve never met. Play like your strangers in a bar (you may want to actually go to a bar to do this) or like you’ve been set up on a blind date, and ask your partner questions that you don’t normally ask them. Dirty, probing, insightful, loving and deep questions about their sex life. Deeper questions than what they had for dinner last night. Questions like what was the last dream they remember getting turned on by, or if they could have sex anywhere, any way – where and how?

This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to finding ways to change up the sex with the one you’ve decided to carry on the tradition of monogamy with, but it will (hopefully) help you wash some of the (potential) monotony out of the relationship!

Tell Me You Love Me


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