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Tuesday, February 2 2010

Alexyss Tylor’s Vagina Power

I’ve been hearing about, and even watching bits and pieces of clips of, Alexyss Tylor - a local cable TV host (local where, not sure) who speaks to her church about the power of vagina. At first I thought she was just whacked. Now I don’t think she’s whacked necessarily, or if she is, she’s wacky with a side of surrounding herself with the right people who know how to get her even more attention. Her videos get over 1 million hits, and yet the words that come out of her mouth astound and shock me, and at the same time they make me laugh a lot.

Here’s what I’ve learned from this episode of Alexyss Tylor’s Vagina Power:

Women have more than one G-spot, and it’s what causes them to need stimulation more often. Yep, when the lady on the left side of the screen, the one who doesn’t speak much, and who may actually be Alexyss’ mother (really, does she talk like this in front of her mother?!) poses the question “What drives a woman to sex toys?” Alexyss’ very scientific answer is “Some women are hooked on coming because they have more than one G-spot.” All I can say is take that scientists who say the G-spot doesn’t exist.

The discussion, or rather soliloquy, went on, and on and on, and hopped over to the Jack Rabbit. Not sure what the Jack Rabbit is, I know the Rabbit, the dual action vibrator made famous by Charlotte on Sex and the City, so I’m assuming it’s just one of the cheap knock-offs. Anyway, according to Alexyss, it’s like a real Jack Rabbit, one that jumps all over the place, only the mechanical jack rabbit doesn’t jump on grass and ground, it jumps all over the clit. A jumping sex toy does sound entertaining, but in the 4.5 years I worked at Babeland I sold a jumping vibrator zero times, because it doesn’t exist. Or if it does, I don’t know about it. Although I suppose some vibrators do make your clit jump (as in rhythmically contract upon orgasm), and maybe by jump she just meant twist, pulse or vibrate. Benefit of the doubt given here.

*video after the jump

Then I learned that “the heat in the penis of some men is so strong, that you can feel the fire through their pants.” and “hot penises have more energy.” Awesome.

It doesn’t stop there though. “Sometimes a woman’s mind ain’t good because the penis has ejaculated all into her brain.” Wow. Has anyone died of ejaculation into the brain? That would be weird. I’m sure there’s been some crazy ejaculation into the ears. I suppose that could work it’s way up the brain. But Alexyss may need to sharpen up on her biology studies. It’s hard to get semen in the brain. Still she claims that’s what happens when a man hits a woman’s bottom (the bottom of her vagina).

“With a penis all up in your vagina, you don’t have no defenses, the penis is a weapon” - wonder if that’s the weapon of mass destruction Bush was really looking for?

By and far the most fascinating bit o’ info I learned on the show is that Long John Silvers sells a plate of shrimp for $2.99. Do you trust shrimp that’s sold for under $3 a plate? I wouldn’t.

Oh, and I have two new favorite phrases now. “Side of penis” and “Hooked on penis.”

For those of you who don’t think Alexyss is qualified to be a sex educator, she apparently has a masters degree in being played by men. “Used by men. Told everything I wanted to hear,” and she’s done being the fool. Or is she?

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