I haven’t been to Nawlins’ since way before the devastation that occurred one hot August day in the summer of ’05. I’m here this week for two things. 1. To enjoy the beauty that is this fine city and 2. to attend the annual AASECT conference.

Yesterday J. and I got a tour of the loads of devastation that still haunts this haunted city, and then we spent last night walking to, and around, the French Quarter. If you walk off of Bourbon Street you’ll find more than just booze for sale (things like boobs and other body parts) and I love finding loads of secret nooks and crannies, which is something that this city-town is full of.Speaking of full of s-t, have you heard about General Order Number 1A? Apparently it’s pretty unknown outside the military, but it’s totally screwed up nonetheless. Basically, it bans servicemen and -women from drinking in Iraq, as well as from doing other naughty things like gambling, currency exchange, and proselytizing. And GO-1A also bans pornography. This all makes loads of sense, right? Just like continuing to fight this war, right? I mean why should people willing to fight and die for our country be able to enjoy anything while doing it, right?

According to this Boston Magazine article by Tom Johansmeyer:

The military hasn’t always had such a policy in place. Skin magazines, for instance, were common in Vietnam. But in 1990, General Norman Schwarzkopf issued a precursor to GO-1A that outlawed porn in the first Gulf war. Variations on the order have been around ever since, affecting soldiers serving in Kosovo, Afghanistan, and Iraq. GO-1A itself was initiated by General Tommy Franks on December 19, 2000, as a way to demonstrate cultural sensitivity to U.S. troops’ Muslim hosts. There are some gray areas when it comes to GO-1A, like nude photos (with no sex acts depicted) and sex toys.

Of course gray doesn’t necessarily translate to “okay.” And I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again and again and again and ….you get the point…but how is it that a soldier can put his or her life on the line for their country, and still they can’t partake in our countries favorite pastimes?

Now, onto other “strange but true” things.

Photo Credit: Cal Henderson

This is not what you think it is. For a better shot of the Geoduck, and an explanation about this bivalve mollusk, click here.

*title adapted from a note from a  friend. The more common phrase would be It’s beautiful in New Orleans, wish you were here, but there’s nothing common about Nawlins.

Me. Phoning something. On the set of Personal Touch.

I am always out of sorts when I spend a whole day in New York -which is something I got to do today. Instead of working, I find myself walking around the city, breathing in the stench of a New York summer, which for those of you who don’t know is 1/3 human urine, 1/3 human garbage and 1/3 unbathed or sweaty human stench.

However, today is a perfect day.

The clouds are on the verge of bursting with water and the air is thin and sort of crisp. It’s a strange luxury to be home this month, one that I both love the feeling of, and one I hate not being able to feel more of. Please note, I’m not complaining.

Tomorrow I’m off on one last trip; one that I’m really looking forward to going on. But after that, I’m home and I’m really looking forward to not having to phone it in, at least for a while.

The weekend before this last weekend, I was stumbling around the bright lights, blaring music, clothing-limited but not optional, LA convention center for the second-most pornified convention I’d ever been to, when the phone rang. It was my main man, who himself was at an expo, only his was new-agey and all zen-like and stuff. Even though I couldn’t make out all the words he was saying to me over my cell phone in the loud, sex-crazed expo hall, he seemed to be radiating bliss across the wire.

“I met this great couple,” he started, which immediately made me think he was calling to tell me about a threesome he was asking my permission to engage in while I was across the country.

I watched a woman practice giving some pretty awful head to a double-sided dildo as he continued with the conversation. “They’re this Tantra couple,” he said. “I really felt like I clicked with them. And they’re doing a workshop in New York next weekend, and I want you to go with me.”

My man and I had talked, FOR YEARS, about exploring the the practice of Tantra in our sex lives, but up until that moment we had not actually done anything to make it happen. But when he told me who was teaching the workshop in New York the next weekend, I knew we were about to stop talking, and start well, breathing..or whatever you do in Tantric sex.

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Me. Enjoying a pre-theater snack.

*If you decide to come at the theater, please do it quietly, in a private bathroom stall, as not to upset your fellow patrons.

A few weeks back, I went to see my friend Mike Daisey perform his latest monologue, “How Theater Failed America.” Truth be told, I was expecting to enjoy it a little, but I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed it. And I enjoyed it a whole bunch. If you’ve never seen a storyteller weave a tale (one with a whole story on masturbation, and references to anal sex and mounds), you should really check out this ancient art form. I’ve always loved theater, and every time I go to see a show, I find myself wishing I had pursued the art of acting - something I did pursue until I stopped pursuing it years back, pretty much after college and at the beginning of my radio career. I just couldn’t compete with those other actors, the ones who could possibly die if they didn’t get cast. I was told if I couldn’t live, breathe and fuck acting, then I probably wasn’t cut out to be an actor.

That’s not the point of this though. The point is, this is the second to last weekend to see Mike Daisey, a serial monologist, do what he has gotten rave reviews for doing best. Weaving an intricate story of his life, in and out of the theater, and keeping you on the edge of your seat, or at least in your seat, for the course of the ride.

Of course, since this blog is about sex, I want to ensure you that there is lots of sexy talk in Mike Daisey’s monologue. He’s got this story about his commitment to having his character masturbate, in the most disgusting way possible, on stage, in front of a live audience. Ever since I saw, and heard, Mike Daisey masturbate (fully clothed this time), I can’t get both the sight or the sound out of my head. There are sexual innuendos ladened throughout the piece, and while I wrote some of them down, I think the best way to hear them is to see him perform them live.

If you appreciate theater and you can appreciate an elaborate story sans an elaborate set, please go see Mike Daisey before its too late.

Buy tickets.

When other countries are “in bed” with our country, in the sense that our country gives their country money for sex -  education programs, they literally get fucked hard. Holy shit, are we for real? I don’t want to believe this is happening, but according to the Planned Parenthood newsletter and its president, Cecile Richards:

there is a global gag rule, which prevents health clinics that receive U.S. funding from counseling about or providing abortion services. Talk about impact — it’s difficult to run a family planning clinic at all in South Africa, let alone doing it without financial help from abroad. And in case you haven’t heard, the Bush administration is, right now, considering applying those same rules here in the states.

All I can say is nothing. I can’t say anything. I’m speechless.

I have much respect for Yvonne Fulbright, a sexpert who has found her place as one of the media’s biggest talking heads on the subject. I’ve known her for years, and think she is one of the sweetest, most down to earth and least controversial people speaking on the subject of S-E-X. However, after recently reading her latest Fox News Column (yes even Fox News knows that sex sells), I have found some controversy.

For starters, Fulbright says that watching porn is the equivalent of actually cheating on your partner. By cheating I assume she means cheating with another person. I don’t understand, or maybe I’ve just lost too many brain cells after spending all weekend at Erotica LA, but how is watching porn the same as going out and sticking your penis, or getting stuck with someone else’s penis (or dildo)? How is watching porn the same as fucking someone else? I mean, unless your husband or wife is going out and bringing home somebody else to bang while watching porn, how exactly is it the same as having an affair?

Here’s what Fulbright says:

Many people are completely in the dark that their partner likes porn, much less has a serious relationship with it. Ignorant as to any issue, they trust their lover unconditionally. They assume their partner understands that using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair. This ignorance, combined with the great lengths to which a porn enthusiast will go to hide erotica, can leave a partner in the dark for months or even years.

Then Fulbright goes into the 8 signs of porn addiction, and after reading them all one could argue, that this is a general, generic list of signs that means something is wrong with your partner or your relationship. It could mean your partner is addicted to alcohol, drugs or reading books. I mean if your partner would rather get lost in a sci-fi novel than have sex with you, is that cheating? Is that a problem that people freak out about?

Here are the 8 signs, and anything in bold or italics comes directly from the Fox News article.

1. Your partner is not as social as he used to be.
There are plenty of reasons a partner may not be social anymore. For starters, (s)he might be depressed, might be stressed, maybe (s)he has a nasty drug habit, (s)he might prefer to chat online with newfound friends (which I believe would lead to a higher likelihood of cheating) or perhaps your relationship is just naturally changing, and the “in-love” factor isn’t there anymore. Relationships change. People change. Change is the only constant in life.

2. Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.
Fulbright says: You’re noticing a decrease in physical affection and non-sexual touch. If you have sex, it’s because you are the one initiating it. Your partner is having trouble becoming sexually aroused (for example, achieving erection or having an orgasm).

Ever heard of whiskey dick? Or how hard it is to get it up after a night of blowing cocaine up your nose? Again anti-depressants, lack of communication and other “non-porn” factors can lead to this same problem.

3. Your partner is being uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex.
Doesn’t alcohol also do this to people? Or maybe all the crime we see on TV leads us to believe that force is an acceptable way to handle emotion. Or maybe (s)he grew up and porn was the source of sex education, and nobody bothered to show her or him how to love in a different way. I’m not saying there’s not bad porn out there, there is, I’m just saying that we can’t blame all our problems on porn. Right Pamela Paul?

4. Your partner does not seem “present.”
Yep, that must mean (s)he has a porn addiction. Number one reason a partner isn’t present in a relationship. Can’t argue with this one (actually just getting tired of saying the same old, same old).

5. Your partner has started to nit-pick your appearance.
Maybe you’ve lost interest in being sexy. Yes, nit-picking is ugly, but we all want to be attractive to our partners and vice versa. Is that so wrong?

He’s also making insensitive sexual comments, which make you feel like a sex object. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I want to feel like a sex object.

6. You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers from your lover.
Yet you are finding evidence of hiding, lying, and secretive behavior, including porn materials…Is it okay if you find empty alcohol bottles, empty dime bags, hundreds of dollars of items bought straight from the Home Shopping Network or that your partner has a huge gambling debt? People don’t give straight answers about things they don’t know how to talk to people about, are embarrassed about or feel that their partner will judge them for.

7. Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.
Yes, this could mean your partner is watching porn. But it can also mean your partner is addicted to twitter, blogging, gambling, working on a top secret project or chatting with people that you don’t know. Fulbright says, As a result, he has eye problems from spending long hours on the computer. He may also complain of back, wrist, neck or shoulder pain. Yeah, I have all the above problems. But it’s because I’m a writer. I write at my computer all day. I must have a problem.

8. You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s demeanor.
Fulbright says, Feeling like a “sex pervert” can lead him to negative emotional outbursts such as picking fights and holding grudges in order to justify his secret porn use. So can always getting on your partners case about not cleaning up the house, being pissed that your partner works all day, drinking too much and whatever else it is that makes you feel shitty.

Fulbright does use her common sense here to warn:

Now it’s important to not put too much weight on any one of these standing alone. There are many people who have trouble getting aroused and it has nothing to do with explicit materials. But if you’re noticing patterns or a collection of the aforementioned, your partner likely has some major explaining to do.

But it’s at the end of the article, and so by the time people get to this paragraph, panic has most likely set in. The thing is while your partner likely has some major explaining to do you have NO IDEA what exactly (s)he has to explain until you COMMUNICATE with each other.

Why do we blame porn, or anything else really, for lack of communication? It’s like we always need that scape goat, that thing to point out finger at, that tsk-tsk-tsk factor, and so we turn to porn. For many porn is, in both good and not so good ways, a part of life. I watched a lot of fans of this low art walk through the LA Convention Center this weekend, and for a lot of couples there, and yes, there were a large number of women and couples in attendance, porn was an aid to their relationship. If porn, or anything else, is ruining your relationship you need to talk, get help, figure out how to change that element of your life. But blame makes me tired, cranky and I think it’s a lame excuse for not taking action.

Not as in the red, sweet, fake blood sort of way…

1 matta of bizness: I’ll be at Erotica-LA this weekend. Hope you can come!

Mobile Female Monument.

Been off this blog for a few days too long, and a lot has gone down, or gone up, depending on if you’re a glass half-full or half-empty kind of person.

Even Nevada brothels are stumbling upon hard times. Yep, Xbiz reports that the brothels are turning to advertising to attract more customers. Apparently, the high price of gas (it can cost up to $1,000 to fill a large truck) is keeping their best customers from stopping by.

There’s a teacher in Salt Lake City, Utah who might lose her job after sending her eighth grade students home with a pamphlet entitled “101 Ways to Make Love Without Ever Doing It.” ABC News says that the fate of the teacher lays in a purgatory like state, even though the one angry parents had to sign a waiver to let their children into the class in the first place. C’mon, we’ve all been kids, we all know what it’s like to be a teenager, and we all know that most teenagers are going to do the sexy, whether or not they have sex.

In other Xbiz news - porn, uhm, entrepreneur Max Hardcore was just found guilty of distributing porn. Yep, the pornmeister (who is vulgar and gross and not my taste at all) was found guilty on a number of counts of “delivering obscene material through the internet and the mail.” I’m not a Max Hardcore fan, but this has the potential to get really blown out of portion. Like what is considered obscene? And how do we draw that line, and who gets to draw it?

The Mobile Female Monument has been around the block (literally), but I’m only seeing this vulva bicycle for this first time now. I know what it’s like to wear a vulva because I’ve worn a Vulva Puppet costume on occasion, and so I have a soft spot for this vulva bicycle, with her large flappy lips. Yeah, I just love her.

And lastly, the Orgasalarm:
What I don’t get is why so many people seem offended by the moans? I mean sure, they might not be how every woman moans, but still, this is the sound of some woman somewhere faking experiencing pleasure and this is not something to make an ugly face about. Or is it?

Read my masturbation interview with sexuality guru Cory Silverberg at about.com. I know today is the first day of June, and that means Masturbation May is over, but that doesn’t mean you should stop masturbating.

Speaking of mental masturbation, right now I can’t put down Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach. I’m seriously inspired by the book, and although I’m a few months passed the hype, it’s made me think really long and hard - long and hard, yeah, and fat and thick and warm - about the amount of sex research that’s out there, and the depths people will go to simulate, and stimulate, sex in a whole host of ways. From making love in an MRI machine to famous sex doctors who stuck things in their own urethral openings, how far we’ll go to understand sex, or how far we still need to go to understand our own sexual function, is a fascinating, funny, sad and outrageous story. And sometimes when we go the distance to make sex, we also go the distance to fake sex, for the sake of making fake sex look real.

I know you’ll probably be totally surprised by what I’m about to type, and I hope that I don’t ruin the illusion you have of adult cinema, but, drumroll please….even in porn you’ve got to fake it to make it every once in a while (and I’m not talking about the women being the one to fake it here - that happens more than every once in a while). While dudes often produce duds for what’s called a FIP, (Fake Internal Pop), they generally get it on and get it off, in a second pop, one that maybe should be called a REP (Real External Pop). However, sometimes when they’ve got to let one blow, and they can’t get ‘im to let out some steam, they concoct a variety of store-bought items to make the pop shot pop. Things that to the naked eye, will look, but not often taste, like the real deal.

Whence shooting porn in LA, I was asked if I wanted to fake a pop shot (I didn’t). Fake real pops are done for saving time, especially for the sake of still photos (because the photographer has to come back after all the other shots are done, just to get a pop shot). I would never, and will never, do a fake pop just to save a few minutes of time for the photographer, but I would do it if, and only if, I had to save face. Still that day I was semi-schooled in the ways one could recreate a man’s ejaculate for the camera. I’m sure for the non-semen enthusiasts out there, these fake pop shots are “even better than the real thing.” Especially if they are on the verge of having to deal with the real thing in their real lives.

So here’s a short list of household items that can replace semen in a pinch. For the time when semen is asked to show its tail, but for some reason it can’t make it to the main event.

• Cetaphil - yes, the moisturizing soap that’s soft on sensitive skin is a big crowd pleaser when it comes to faking the pop shot. I guess if you’ve got to get a facial, might as well get one that you can use to wash your face with afterwards.
• 7 milliliters room-temperature water mixed with 7.16 grams of cornstarch. Stir for five minutes, and voila, it’s warm, thick and uhm, semeny I suppose. *
• Powdered sugar mixed with water. For the times when it’s got to be sticky, sweet.
• Hair Conditioner. Depending on where he fakes the hair conditioner pop shot, one may have the opportunity to jump in the shower and condition one’s pubic hair.
• Pina Colada Mix - it might look a little bit less like the real deal than some of the other options, but it’s white, thick and creamy, and you can mix it with alcohol afterwards and continue to party.

*From Bonk, p. 127

I prefer the real thing myself, as long as it’s not in my eyes, but now that I’ve been thinking about the fake deal, I may have to go home and try these other methods out on my main man. In the name of sex research of course, and to see which ones taste best (I think I’ll skip tasting the soap and the conditioner). Actually, I feel quite fascinated with fake come right now, and outside of the fact that I think it’s strange and I like strange things, I think it’s because I see the potential for this bit of information in my next book project.

So when I get home tomorrow (I’m in North Carolina today) I’ll go straight for the man-made real deal and then, after we’ve had a go of that, I’ll go straight for the soap, the shampoo and the sugar. And if you have a fake come recipe you’d like to share, don’t be shy. Share away, and I’ll let you know if it’s a winner.