Aside 01:
Inauguration Day ‘05: Four more years of Bush!!!! Isn’t that exciting…
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“Relationships”
I know I shouldn’t want one (see title), at least not right now, in the midst of the craziest career time(s) of my life, but still I sort of do. Okay, I maybe more than sort of do, but admitting that yeah, I want a relationship right now, is enough to scare off any of the non-existant potential relationships that have or will pop up in my life. I’m sick of over-dating, or first conversations (although I really do like those first few get-to-know-you-moments), tired of the endless “did I say something wrong” that comes with not really knowing someone right.
It’s not that I want to be married, or have Jamye Jr. growing in my uterus any time soon. I don’t feel a biological clock ticking away, and I don’t feel like at 30, I should be wearing some rock that signifies I “belong” to someone else. I don’t know that I ever want any of that, but I do want something now, something more; a growing experience that involves sex, laughs and intelligent conversation. I want to wake up in a man’s arms more than just once in a while. I want to know I have someone to share the good times, and bad, and that I have someone to call when I’m feeling a little off *which I have decided is how I always feel the week before my period. I want to experience an emotional bond that I can’t find with anyone else, even if physically we still mess around. And while I should be focusing more on certain other things, I keep going back to wanting this now.
Maybe it’s because it’s the winter, and it’s always nice to cuddle when it’s cold…
It would be nice to have someone to share parts of my life with. At least I think it would be, seeing that it’s been more than a little while since I’ve had that whole experience. I’m always involved with those boys who want to be a little less than involved. And while I enjoy the time that we share, I know that it’s more limited than say someone who can committ to even six months. I want to be able to say I love you, and mean it, and feel it again, because the last time I know I felt it and meant it, it was almost a decade ago. *Note: I have fallen “in love” since I was 20, but due to outside circumstances it could never be a fully acknowledged sort of love.
I don’t want a relationship that takes up all of my time, because having a life is just as important as having a relationship, but it would be nice to find an emotionally available, geographically desirable, easy on the eyes, sort of guy who wants me for a while. And putting it out there like this isn’t going to help me any, I know, and still I don’t care if it just makes me sound more desperate. I’m not desperate. I’m not even dating enough to find what I’m looking for. I don’t want to make any effort, because I don’t have the time to make that sort of committment *yes this may sound crazy, when all I’ve been talking about is finding committment.
Still it would be nice if someone, outside of my family, could just say I love you and mean it for a while.
That’s all.
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February 12th, 2005 at 6:52 pm
Interesting. Have any of you checked out the prescription information on Medicare? In case you need any no prescription needed medication, I recently got mine through this site http://www.noprescriptioneeded.com/ and I have already received my no prescription needed meds. Or you can find more information on no prescription needed pharmacies here. Again, awesome point.
February 16th, 2005 at 7:23 pm
Ok…just discovered the “Comments?” feature today, after emailing your hotmail account….man, are you getting spammed here or what? It sucks.
Jamye, it’s so strange to hear you aching over this relationship thing! I mean, I can see why you’re having trouble; it’s the curse of being intelligent and open- I doubt very many people would have the self-confidence to HOPE they could keep you interested, so probably almost no one ever tries, right?
Still, you gotta do it- you gotta hook up AT LEAST to the point you can mean it when you say “I Love You”….
…but Jamye….that’s the EASY part.
Look, I KNOW you regularly tell people you love them, right? You have friends; you hang out, it feels good, and you SAY it, right? And you DO love them…it’s real.
But Saul Bellow said it: loving someone is the easy part. The FEAR comes that they might actually love you BACK, because the HARD part is ALLOWING someone to love YOU.
Because then you become RESPONSIBLE. You are agreeing, if even by default, to let them get their hopes up. If you insist on keeping things one-sided, so you can walk away and claim “I loved them, so why should they complain that it’s over?”…well, then….you were never really REAL.
Jeez…I can see that this isn’t going to help, is it?
You want a relationship you can neglect? That doesn’t tie you down inconveniently? Well, they DO exist, but I get the feeling that you have some guilt about how much the other person is going to be getting out of it, and I’m wondering if you aren’t running the risk of opting out even before it starts….
(*sigh*) Where are the communes when you need them….