I have much respect for Yvonne Fulbright, a sexpert who has found her place as one of the media’s biggest talking heads on the subject. I’ve known her for years, and think she is one of the sweetest, most down to earth and least controversial people speaking on the subject of S-E-X. However, after recently reading her latest Fox News Column (yes even Fox News knows that sex sells), I have found some controversy.
For starters, Fulbright says that watching porn is the equivalent of actually cheating on your partner. By cheating I assume she means cheating with another person. I don’t understand, or maybe I’ve just lost too many brain cells after spending all weekend at Erotica LA, but how is watching porn the same as going out and sticking your penis, or getting stuck with someone else’s penis (or dildo)? How is watching porn the same as fucking someone else? I mean, unless your husband or wife is going out and bringing home somebody else to bang while watching porn, how exactly is it the same as having an affair?
Here’s what Fulbright says:
Many people are completely in the dark that their partner likes porn, much less has a serious relationship with it. Ignorant as to any issue, they trust their lover unconditionally. They assume their partner understands that using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair. This ignorance, combined with the great lengths to which a porn enthusiast will go to hide erotica, can leave a partner in the dark for months or even years.
Then Fulbright goes into the 8 signs of porn addiction, and after reading them all one could argue, that this is a general, generic list of signs that means something is wrong with your partner or your relationship. It could mean your partner is addicted to alcohol, drugs or reading books. I mean if your partner would rather get lost in a sci-fi novel than have sex with you, is that cheating? Is that a problem that people freak out about?
Here are the 8 signs, and anything in bold or italics comes directly from the Fox News article.
1. Your partner is not as social as he used to be.
There are plenty of reasons a partner may not be social anymore. For starters, (s)he might be depressed, might be stressed, maybe (s)he has a nasty drug habit, (s)he might prefer to chat online with newfound friends (which I believe would lead to a higher likelihood of cheating) or perhaps your relationship is just naturally changing, and the “in-love” factor isn’t there anymore. Relationships change. People change. Change is the only constant in life.
2. Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.
Fulbright says: You’re noticing a decrease in physical affection and non-sexual touch. If you have sex, it’s because you are the one initiating it. Your partner is having trouble becoming sexually aroused (for example, achieving erection or having an orgasm).
Ever heard of whiskey dick? Or how hard it is to get it up after a night of blowing cocaine up your nose? Again anti-depressants, lack of communication and other “non-porn” factors can lead to this same problem.
3. Your partner is being uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex.
Doesn’t alcohol also do this to people? Or maybe all the crime we see on TV leads us to believe that force is an acceptable way to handle emotion. Or maybe (s)he grew up and porn was the source of sex education, and nobody bothered to show her or him how to love in a different way. I’m not saying there’s not bad porn out there, there is, I’m just saying that we can’t blame all our problems on porn. Right Pamela Paul?
4. Your partner does not seem “present.”
Yep, that must mean (s)he has a porn addiction. Number one reason a partner isn’t present in a relationship. Can’t argue with this one (actually just getting tired of saying the same old, same old).
5. Your partner has started to nit-pick your appearance.
Maybe you’ve lost interest in being sexy. Yes, nit-picking is ugly, but we all want to be attractive to our partners and vice versa. Is that so wrong?
He’s also making insensitive sexual comments, which make you feel like a sex object. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I want to feel like a sex object.
6. You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers from your lover.
Yet you are finding evidence of hiding, lying, and secretive behavior, including porn materials…Is it okay if you find empty alcohol bottles, empty dime bags, hundreds of dollars of items bought straight from the Home Shopping Network or that your partner has a huge gambling debt? People don’t give straight answers about things they don’t know how to talk to people about, are embarrassed about or feel that their partner will judge them for.
7. Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.
Yes, this could mean your partner is watching porn. But it can also mean your partner is addicted to twitter, blogging, gambling, working on a top secret project or chatting with people that you don’t know. Fulbright says, As a result, he has eye problems from spending long hours on the computer. He may also complain of back, wrist, neck or shoulder pain. Yeah, I have all the above problems. But it’s because I’m a writer. I write at my computer all day. I must have a problem.
8. You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s demeanor.
Fulbright says, Feeling like a “sex pervert” can lead him to negative emotional outbursts such as picking fights and holding grudges in order to justify his secret porn use. So can always getting on your partners case about not cleaning up the house, being pissed that your partner works all day, drinking too much and whatever else it is that makes you feel shitty.
Fulbright does use her common sense here to warn:
Now it’s important to not put too much weight on any one of these standing alone. There are many people who have trouble getting aroused and it has nothing to do with explicit materials. But if you’re noticing patterns or a collection of the aforementioned, your partner likely has some major explaining to do.
But it’s at the end of the article, and so by the time people get to this paragraph, panic has most likely set in. The thing is while your partner likely has some major explaining to do you have NO IDEA what exactly (s)he has to explain until you COMMUNICATE with each other.
Why do we blame porn, or anything else really, for lack of communication? It’s like we always need that scape goat, that thing to point out finger at, that tsk-tsk-tsk factor, and so we turn to porn. For many porn is, in both good and not so good ways, a part of life. I watched a lot of fans of this low art walk through the LA Convention Center this weekend, and for a lot of couples there, and yes, there were a large number of women and couples in attendance, porn was an aid to their relationship. If porn, or anything else, is ruining your relationship you need to talk, get help, figure out how to change that element of your life. But blame makes me tired, cranky and I think it’s a lame excuse for not taking action.
Posted by jamye
