Secondary Virginity

There are some “take-back-the-hymen” and “my-erection-meant-something-then-but-nothing-now” type virginity folk who are willing to believe that their sexual experiences weren’t worth the load and now won’t shoot their load, or have a load shot in them, until they’re really ready. These people place a hunk of value on the act of sex (and yes, I believe all sex should be valued, which is different than placing a heap of value on all sex), and what it must mean and what it must do to/for/in them. They want to reclaim their sexual celibacy. Reclaiming their sexual celibacy, they hope, will lead to a more meaningful connection as they ease-on down the road.

I am not one of those people, but the reclaiming part fascinates me.

Even now, as the BBC reports that no-sex programs are not working, and as our government continues to wake up and smell the sex (it is, after all, happening in high schools all around them) women and men contemplate how to infuse meaning into all of their sexual relationships, even if they were never taught how to deal with sex growing up. Yes, the wheels are turning - can you hear them squeak? - as the United States contemplates what to do about what we teach when it comes to sex ed. And as we contemplate the struggle that always evolves, and revolves, around sex - people, both young and old, who want their virginity back are reclaiming the born-again status. Again and again.

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Keep it coming

Men, want a good reason to wank and wank and wank some more?

According to another recent study of 1,000 men (this one by the Cancer Council of Victoria), masturbation may lower the risk of developing prostate cancer, especially if you do it a lot LOT. Like more than five times a week. Apparently MORE than five times a week means reducing your risk of prostate cancer by one-third.

What is the prostate you (may) ask? Well, the prostate plays an important role in both semen production and ejaculation. And since, not to be a downer here, but I am, lots of men will develop prostate cancer in their lifetime, survey says choking the chicken may rid the cock of carcinogens. So next time your partner is jealous of your jacking off, tell them that you’re doing it so you can live longer and spend more time loving them.

Women, looking for a reason to double click the mouse? Another study, done way before this last one, showed that women who masturbated had higher levels of estrogen (aka oestrogen outside of the USA) in their blood. Higher levels of estrogen lead to healthier cardiovascular systems, lower bad cholesterol, and more beautiful skin. Added bonus: regular orgasms may help regulate your menstrual cycle, as well as relieve menstrual crampage. Can you say “oh yeah, that feels good” with me.

So… step away from the computer now and wank one out for your health.

Earth Day Sexy

I’m in Florida, Key Largo to be exact, on a top secret mission to keep sex alive in bedrooms across America. Seriously. If I told you more about it then it wouldn’t be top secret, would it? Okay, I can tell you this…

Are you ready?

I now know why the Beach boys sang about this place (Bermuda, Bahamas….baby why don’t we go to the Florida Keys..).Yep that song. That’s what I had to tell you. Riveting stuff isn’t it? I can’t get that song out of my head. No matter how much I talk about sex, I can’t stop singing a cheesy Beach Boys song.

Yes, I’m disgusted with myself. No, not really disgusted, more annoyed actually.

Speaking of beach, today’s Earth Day, no? (and yes, you can file this under better late than never because I know today’s almost over, but like I said I’ve been working on a top secret mission all day and I haven’t had time to remind you). In case you missed earth day, or my blog, you can always celebrate Earth Day tomorrow, and for the rest of your life.

So what can you do to sexify your day after Earth Day?

1. Get the Little Chroma vibe from Jimmy Jane and have it 4eva. (or so they say). See, you can change the motor on this wonderous work of vibrational art, so every time the motor dies, you replace it without having to replace your buzz. And it only takes one AA battery, which makes it much more environmental, and economical, than your average 2 battery toy. Or buy a rechargeable vibrator from Lelo. All the Lelo vibe are gorgeous dahling and no batteries to waste. BONUS: Both of these toys can be kept outside of their boxes, cause they’re just that cool.

2. Shower Power. Live with someone you love? Love someone who sleeps over and showers at your place? Do it in double time by showering together. You’ll not only save water, but you can also give an orgasm (or get one). Sharing is caring. Caring is coming. Or something like that.

3. Good Clean Love. It’s not just a statement, it’s a paraben and pthalate-free lube. So get naked (yes, that’s the actual lube I like in the GCL family) and slip and slide. NOTE: GCL lubes are great for intercourse, but not so great for handjobs. If you’re looking for a good hj lube or even a good massage oil, try the GCL love oils, just remember oil and latex are like oil and water. They don’t mix, and they are the opposite of two great tastes that taste great together. Meaning, don’t use oil-based lubes if you’re planning on using a latex type condom. If that’s the case, see suggestion 2.

4. Read an online erotic magazine. Yeah, I’m a fan of paper, but in order to reduce your waste this Earth Day season - read online. It doesn’t work for me all the time, especially since sometimes it makes me nauseous to be online too long, seriously, does that ever happen to you?, but when I’m looking for an erotic pick me up, I can go to Playgirl online (the entire magazine is available online) and look at hot! studs! naked!

5. Adopt a Clitoris. You should totally donate what you can (time, money, a blog post) to a good cause this Earth Day, so why not donate to the topography of a woman’s body? Help a Burkinabe woman rebuild her clitoris, and you’ll be contributing to a more pleasure-filled world. And pleasure is a positive thing. And positive people can make positive changes. On Earth Day and beyond.

Opening Up

Sometime after the second year of a relationship, you might start to question if this - meaning the relationship - is the end of the path you’re on when it comes to sex and dating. Even if things are good, you’ll probably still think about it, at least for a second, since you realize now you’ve committed a lot of time to one person. You might wonder if the person you’ve spent, say the last 24 months with, is really the person you want to spend the next 24 plus years with. At some point you will think about this. About committing (which is different than getting committed). You’ll contemplate “settling down” verses making sexy love with someone new and exciting.

But I don’t think it has to be one way or the other. I don’t think being in a relationship with one person means you can’t sample other dessert options too. At least sometimes. And I know of a lot of people who think like me, even if we don’t all think this way all of the time. See, I’m at that 3.5 year point in my relationship, and over the last few months we both decided that we need to change things up a bit. We both need to find ways to balance the love of, or in, our lives as well as the sex our bodies still want with other people.

My friend, and sex-memoir writer, Suzanne Portnoy, in her fun new book The Not So Invisible Woman writes about having a monogamous heart, but not a monogamous groin. I can relate to that. I’m a horny girl, who has, since getting with her boyfriend, also gotten back into good shape, and now I want more men, and occasionally women, to worship my ass (and my brain too).

Does that make me more selfish than you, or just more honest?

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Body of war - body for sex?

I promise, there’s talk of sex in this blog, just go with it for a minute.

Last night Jonny and I watched the documentary Body of War. The movie, which is seriously one of the most inspirational and bestest documentaries I’ve ever seen, follows the story of Tomas Young, a 25 year old fresh-faced soldier who’s desire to fight for his country goes from itch to scratch, after watching our lame excuse for a President Bush, complete with bullhorn to mouth, standing on top of the rubble at Ground Zero, promising revenge on whoever he wanted to go to war with did this to us!!!

Tomas wanted to go to Afghanistan to help in plotting said revenge, but gets shipped (surprise!, surprise!) to Iraq instead. And even though Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, it’s where the United States wants to fight, dammit, and so they fight. Back in the states Tomas is trained in the woods, which he realizes is really helpful when it comes to fighting in the desert. Yeah, it’s about as helpful as giving a man with no hands a pair of gloves.

When he gets to Iraq, things go from bad to badder.

On Day 5 in Iraq, Tomas gets hit. Compliments of a bullet to the spine, Tomas is paralyzed from the chest down. He then comes home, where he will need to learn to live again, and what he goes through would make me want to die if I were in his situation. Tomas is obviously a lot stronger than I am.

One more personal aside: There’s lots of amazing footage from the Senate floor, and I now have a major crush on Senator Robert Byrd (not your “typical” crush material, mind you) because he was the most impassioned, eloquent and psychic of all the Senators as to what would, and did, happen. He calls himself one of the Immortal 23 - which is the group of 23 senators who voted against going to war (Clinton, fyi, voted for war - but you probably already know that).

Okay, this blog is about sex, so how come I’m writing about Body of War?

How would you feel if you could never have an orgasm again?

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Rape isn’t just a four letter word

In reading Jenny Block‘s Huffington Post piece on feeling “lucky” to have come into her sexuality on her own, I had to concur. It’s weird to have to say I’m lucky; lucky that I wasn’t forced into a sexual situation I didn’t want to endure, lucky to have been confused and awkward and sexual without it ever having been shoved upon me. I was lucky that my parents loved me from a distance, and that I got to make my own choices when it came to sex. Still, like Jenny, I hate to use the word lucky, because everyone deserves to take the same path I took. But so many women, and men, aren’t lucky like me. Even though by age 12 I was questioning my own sexuality (if I kiss, and fondle, women, or more specifically one girl my age, A LOT - am I gay?) I wanted to kiss her, I just didn’t know if I wanted to be a lesbian. My sexual preference was a choice. Our decision to be together was a choice. Even who I am today is a choice. A conscious choice.

I’m lucky I guess.

I have friends who aren’t/weren’t so lucky, but maybe now they think of themselves as lucky because without surviving those experiences, they may not have been as brave and open as they are now. Friends like Carly Milne who spit it all out in her memoir, Sexography. I’ve known Carly for almost ten years now and I’ve always admired her. She’s not afraid to talk about where she comes from, and put it all out on the table for everyone to read. She’s not afraid to help other women in similar situations get beyond where they once were as well. She even came up with this way to get the word out.

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I’m in Glamour

…talking about orgasms.

Which is, of course, one of my favorite subjects.

Read it here.

Keeping it in the family

Handy. My choice for smurf sex.

New order of business. Let’s give a hearty (warm and moist were other adjectives that came to mind) welcome to Naked City. A new blog by Village Voice Media - written and edited by the talented and loquacious Audacia Ray. And when you watch the (NSFW) Porno Jim video that Ray shot and edited, you’ll get to see smurf sex too. I like smurf sex. Too bad we didn’t get to see much of it in the animated form. But it got me thinking, how often do you think Smurfette got laid? And who was the best smurf f*ck? Brainy Smurf seemed to uptight, and Vanity liked himself too much. I’m trying to think which Smurf I’d even do, if I had to do a Smurf. I think it’d be Handy. I like the overalls, and he’s obviously very handy (buddumpbump), which is a fabulous skill. He’s my choice. Who’s yours?

Now file this under total grossness. Or it’s more like if Papa Smurf did it with Smurfette.

Via Boinkology - Father, daughter have child together.

There are a lot of things I’m cool with, but having sex with my dad is absolutely, definitely, without a sliver of a doubt NOT one of them. Apparently Jenny and John Deaves wouldn’t agree with me. 30 years after her dad left her ass back in Australia, she reunited with her father and thought he’s not so bad (looking) and eventually she might have said, “Daddy, will you do me?” and then Daddy might have answered “Hells, yeah, I was hoping you’d ask” because the two of them began to have a sexual relationship with each other. A consenting adult sexual relationship, perhaps, but does that really matter when you’re doing your daddy? Even if you haven’t spoken in thirty years?

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Sex in under 14

According to research reported in Science Daily, satisfactory sex (as in intercourse) lasts somewhere between 3 and 13 minutes. While guys all over the world are now patting themselves on the back for long(ish) lasting performances, women of the world are sighing. See, the confusing thing here is that it’s only SEX these researchers are talking about, as in insert your dong in my ding (or your dong in my dunghole, or your dong in both my ding and my dunghole - impossible, yes, at the same time, but not in the same night - but never go from dunghole to ding without washing that shit off).

I can hear it now. The screams of angry men who were told that women want sexual excitement for at least 20 minutes before they’re satisfied, or even starting to feel satisfied. I can hear the rattling of bedposts everywhere demanding time…lots of time…time back…time moving forward…less time for sex…more time for sexless acts…but women still need time, sometimes, to get aroused…more than 13 minutes of time…

WHY?! Why do we keep putting numbers on our time in bed, out of bed, inside another person, with another person inside of us? Is it because we’re a numbers oriented society? Is it because we looooove numbers?

Penn State Erie researchers Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani conducted a survey of 50 (NUMBER) full members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and found that thirty-four (ANOTHER NUMBER), or 68 (THERE’S THAT NUMBER THING AGAIN) percent, of the group responded and rated a range of time amounts for sexual intercourse, from penetration of the vagina by the penis until ejaculation, that they considered adequate, desirable, too short and too long.

MORE NUMBERS!!! The average therapists’ responses defined the ranges of intercourse activity times: “adequate,” from 3-7 minutes; “desirable,” from 7-13 minutes; “too short” from 1-2 minutes; and “too long” from 10-30 minutes.

For me, the biggest problem with this study is that now that they define a “longee” as anything over 13 minutes, when you want more loving, and your partner doesn’t, then they can claim that research says you should be adequately satisfied. 50 people research that is.

Maybe sex will last longer if we all keep our socks on. According to (more) research out of the University of Groningen cold feet cause women to fake orgasm, or make it harder for women to achieve orgasm. The BBC reports:

When they gave the couples socks to wear, about 80% of the couples were able to achieve orgasm compared with 50% previously in this staged environment.

So much research when the fun part is in the experimenting.

© Copyright Jamye Waxman M.Ed.