January 25, 2021

Nothing Personal

IMG_1218.jpg Me, not being gay (with Chaunce Hayden)

I wanted to blog a bit more about my experience on Sirius Out Q 106 since now itís officially over. See, I was the only one of the four of us asked not to return to the soon-to-be-new-late-night-show on this Satellite Radioís ďall queer, all the timeĒ channel. And this makes complete sense, and quite honestly, I knew I had no shot from a long time before it began.

Iím not a lesbian and Iím not trans. I prefer not to label my sexuality, and I donít identify in any particular way. I donít limit my sexual experiences to that of only being with a man (I have been with my fair share of women) but quite frankly I like warm penis in my wet pussy on a regular basis. And so, when we were told to queer it up on the air, I knew it would be hard for me to speak honestly and openly.

But that didnít stop me from trying, because I LOVE RADIO, and I believe that I deserve to have a voice on the airwaves somewhere out there in satellite land. And I still believe that if I want that voice, I will find it, but it canít and wonít be on a lesbian or gay channel. Itís just not me.

So when the program director called yesterday and said lots of nice things about me and the show, he also said one thing that struck me as odd. ďAll the other women,Ē he said, ďwere personal. They were letting us get to know them. You, it seems, are more of a journalist, which is not a bad thing, but itís not the thing weíre looking for on this show.Ē

And I took a lot of what he said to heart. I processed it all, and I thought long and hard about each and every word. And while heís inspired me to start a new project that I canít wait to share (NOTE: It will be months before I can share it though) I found it rather bizarre that he told me Iím not personal.

He obviously didnít get to know me at all, because, WOW, sometimes Iím like way too the other way. And that brought up a lot of other questions as well. Like, how personal do I want to get anyway? Do I need to tell everyone that I got laid last night, first in missionary and then in doggie style, and that he came on my back instead of inside me because I didnít want to have semen dripping out from between my thighs all night long? Is that the kind of personal Iím supposed to be? Is that the kind of personal that will get me the attention I want? (Answer: NO)

No matter how public a figure I become, there are always some things that will remain private. And no matter how private a person I am (which Iím not) I will always tell too much to the public. And Iíve been there, done that, and honestly I donít want to be known for only being the girl who talks constantly about herself and her sex life. Like how interesting is that after a while?

Iíve chosen to back away from being so personal because I think that it works at times, and it doesnít work at others. Like I said, Iíve been there, and done that, and Howard Sternís been doing that shtick since the dawn of shock radio. And Iíd do it again, at least my own way, but not on a show where I felt bad for being in a relationship with a man. And on OUTQ I felt bad about that. And some lesbians (Iím thinking of one in particular) think itís okay, because theyíre gay, to say shit about everyone who isnít. I always find this ironic, because a lot of gay people hate feeling isolated from the rest of society, and so therefore they isolate themselves instead. I donít understand why itís not okay to just be. I donít judge people for their sexual preferences, and I donít question peopleís choices. I know that itís not easy being different, because for fuckís sake, Iím not ďnormalĒ by any means, and I wanted to kill myself when I was younger because I fell in love with a woman, but I am who I am. And I donít think that anyone should be made to feel bad for who they are, no matter who they fuck.

So, see, I wasnít the right fit for that show anyway. But I loved the experience and I learned a lot, and I grew so much more. And now, moving forward is all I can do.

Posted by jamye at January 25, 2021 05:09 PM