November 27, 2021

Do you ever think you're crazy?

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Once again it's confessions of a woman who thinks to much, sponsored by me.

It's a question I've been wondering ever since my last slip up this past Saturday. Being in love is tough for me, and I don't understand why I don't just continuously enjoy this experience. I've learned a lot about myself by being in love, and I'm learning about a side of myself that I haven't really had the chance to get to know. It's a totally young side of me that isn't used to learning to grow up and share, and while it's a skin I'm excited to slip into, I haven't fully adjusted to how it looks.

In other words there are still bumps, or, more accurately, sometimes the sailing isn't as smooth as it should be, and usually it's because I'm creating waves.

Before I found love I was definitely on the prowl, constantly looking for the next best thing. And then I found "the best thing" instead, and he rocks my world (a phrase I once uttered to Ben Harper after grabbing his hand at a Horde Festival show in New Jersey where he was doing a meet and greet and I had to meet him because he did rock my world)...and still I have moments when I'm feeling sad, lonely or insecure.

And then I read in The Kite Runner, and it's truly a small part of the novel, a phrase that I've allowed myself some time to think about and it makes being happy a bit scary to me because if I'm getting everything I want, does something bad have to happen to counterbalance the good? Or can I just enjoy this relationship without having to worry?

I konw I'm making the situation "less good" by worrying. And in this craziness I try to forget that he's the man who's reminded me about living, and the reasons I love myself and the reasons other people love me. And even though I can't forget that he's the man who's made me believe in myself once again, and the man who has opened my heart once more, I still try to shut myself down every once in a while. And before I met him I was constantly letting myself forget, meeting people who didn't value me the way I needed to value myself. I haven't had a partner who was capable of completely loving me (well, one that I loved back) since I was 24, and trust me, that wasn't a very healthy love.

So, I've been pondering if I'm crazy.

I love him more than I've ever loved anybody else in my life. I want to spend as much time with him as he'll spend with me, and I want to live with him possibly for the rest of my life. And then I get four nights alone with him, nights we spend in a town far enough away from obligation, and on the third day, I become crabby and I close up like an oyster protecting it's pearl.

I can acknowledge these feelings, even talk to him about them, tell him I feel cranky, but I can't explain why. Perhaps it's because I've ingested the last of my little white birth control pills, and now I'm onto the placebos for a week. Perhaps its because I haven't written in a while. But since I can't explain why I'm cranky, I get more upset. I mean I'm in the place I want to be with the man I want to be in that place with, and still I'm not happy enough?! What gives?

By mid afternoon Saturday I'm a wreck. I can't figure it out, it's not like he's done anything wrong, in fact he hasn't, and it's not like we're fighting, we're not, and it's not like we're annoying the f**k out of each other, because that's not happening either. It's just that I'm really cranky. As in "I need to go sit in a corner by myself" cranky.

But I don't want to be alone, so why the sudden urge to be alone?

He tries everything he knows I love (the list starts with sex and surprisingly ends there as well) to get me to come around, but I won't budge. I try everything I can not to be happy, and that works better than his plan (well, since I get to control how I feel). He gives me my space and I don't really want it, but I don't want him in my space either. I don't know what I want, I still don't understand it. And all the while I know that I'm sad about the fact that we won't be sleeping in the same bed on Sunday night. But it's Saturday night now, and I've made myself sad a day early, and finally at 2AM I crawl into bed with him because I don't want to sulk by myself on the couch anymore. And even though part of me doesn't want to sleep, like some little rebel girl who feels that by staying awake she's making some point, I know that being in his arms is the only place I want to be. So why am I fighting it, especially since I know that tomorrow I'll be sad about sleeping alone?

And now I'm alone in my apartment in Williamsburg and I want to know if I'm crazy? I mean when I'm with him, I get myself all worked up about the times I won't be with him and then afterwards I get all worked up about the fact that I got worked up in front of him and maybe this will make him see me differently and never want to live with me, or be with me, again. And then I hate when we aren't sleeping together. And I know things are fine between us, but am I fine?

Posted by jamye at November 27, 2021 09:15 PM