jamYe waXman. seX matters.

Letter to my Ex

Do I look like Trouble?

I had this epiphany last night and took action on it this morning. See, ever since my ex wrote me that little note, that "very angry, hurt, you attacked me so I'm going to attack you" email, I haven't felt right about what I posted. It's true that my ex, Jak, and I would have never made it in this world, and by now both of us would have been miserable and hateful and perhaps we would have even gotten married and divorced, but that's not the point. Like I said in an earlier pontification, I'm not sure why I even wrote anything on my blog, but I did, and I won't take it off, and so now I have to find another way to make it right - yes, sometimes I am t.r.o.u.b.l.e. - and last night, after a strange dream, I realized that what I had to do was be a BIG GIRL and apologize. So here's a snippet of what i wrote.

I had no intention of writing you back when you first responded to one of the posts on my blog, but after giving it much thought, and realizing that this might be my best opportunity I have, I've decided to respond with a couple of my own thoughts.

I apologize if what I wrote did in any way make you feel bad or angry. It wasn't my intention. Sometimes I'm amazed at how our relationship sustained itself over so many years, especially because I do agree with you, we aren't the type of person either of us would ultimately end up with (and truth is we fought an awful lot). I guess for me I still find it fascinating that the person I have had the longest relationship of my life with is someone I don't know at all anymore. I am not saying we should know each other, or be friends, I'm way over that, but when I look at pictures of you - I see a stranger, and to me that just feels strange. That's all. I do also remember that you were a good person, a funny guy and a very devoted boyfriend. But it just doesnt seem real. Anyway. I don't want to continue to rehash this because it isn't necessary, and the truth is we have both long moved on, but still, my intention in writing that was never to hurt you. I don't know what my intention was, but it def. wasn't that.

I didn't really expect you to be reading my blog since i didnt think i was a topic that you had any interest in remembering. all i know is that we are both happy now,and I am finally in love myself. He is wonderful,and he's taught me a lot about having a relationship, and I see how what we went through was unhealthy for the both of us.

So that's it.

I am happy, and I feel like I too am doing what I wanted to do with my life. I'm sorry again for the post if it upset you and I do hope that if and when our paths do cross, we will be able to say hello and enjoy a few minutes of conversation.

Be well.

There. That's the end of it. Tonight, I'm supposed to fast, and I will fast, but probably way past sunset, which is when good Jews start fasting. But that's okay too. It's not like I'm a good Jew most of the year. At least I'm fasting. And going to temple. And I'm taking the boyfriend. It'll be his first time there. Should be interesting.