October 13, 2021

Inner Goddess

It's the Jewish Day of Atonement. Oy vey.


Here's this week's Hot Wax:

I found my inner goddess at a rave on a Friday night in Manhattan. And while that sounds so “not from this planet” it’s one of the most grounding truths I am learning to accept. She (this inner goddess) wasn’t something I was all that interested in finding, especially since I didn’t believe that she could exist, at least not in me, but for the first time in my entire life, I can’t deny her presence.

My boyfriend, the cowboy, has been talking about the goddess since the day we first met. He’s even said that one of his goals in this lifetime was to “make the goddess rise.” I never asked him what he meant by this statement, even though I didn’t really understand it myself, but now it’s obvious that I never had to ask. Once you know, you just know, and that’s how it goes.

The goddess is everything. It’s how you dress, it’s how you act, it’s how you feel. I was dressed in short, black, frilly panties with a black shirt with long, flowing sleeves. Around my waist was a rather cheesy, but sort of cute, gold and silver studded belt with an eagles head in the front. My grandmother had bought it for me, and had been talking about the belt for months before I actually got to see it. “It’s a $150 dollar belt, that I got for $15 dollars,” she said, “I think you’ll really like it.” My mother didn’t feel the same way, “wait until you see this thing,” she said, “your sister and I had a good laugh when I tried it on.”

But my mother was wrong, the belt worked, it was part of the outfit, and it was part of the night. It was part of the goddess.

So, what exactly does finding your inner goddess mean? It’s about empowerment and confidence and beauty. It’s about being comfortable in your skin, and understanding the power of your presence. It’s about being wherever you are, and making the most of that moment and that situation. For me, it was about learning to be in my body.

I’m not a dancer, but that Friday night, I danced all night long. At first I was part of the crowd, moving in motion with my boyfriend, with strangers, with anyone who rubbed up against me. And then I saw a group of beautiful women emerge above the crowd. These women were confident and strong and super, super sexy. They were dancing on the speakers above the crowd. I turned to the cowboy and said “I think I’m supposed to go up there,” but I immediately decided that that was a stupid idea. “I think you’re right,” he said, and grabbed my hand and moved me towards the stage. It took a few minutes of contemplation and a giant “fuck it” to get my body up above the crowd. But once I was up there, there was no coming down. I moved with the music for a long while, at least an hour, on that speaker. And when I came down, I was approached by a number of strangers. “I love how you move,” they would say. Some of them told me how beautiful I was. But no matter what these strangers said, they all saw in me what I hadn’t noticed in so long. I was a goddess.

For the rest of the night, I needed no encouragement. Every place I went, I felt my presence and the presence of the other strong women around me. Every move I made was noticed by somebody else. But what was most important was that I noticed me too. For the first time, I understood the goddess. And now, I’m all about making her rise.

Posted by jamye at October 13, 2021 08:23 AM