April 09, 2021

Not so Sweet Dreams

henry_ears.jpg baby's first brithday?

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep because of bad Chinese food. Well, because my stomach was feeling all full and funny because of bad Chinese food. Last night I slept, like a baby in fact, and was in bed by 10:45...how's that for Friday night fun? but this morning I couldn't go back to sleep because of another "belly" issue. Thankfully, it was all in a dream.

So, I'm having these really bizarro dreams these days. First it was the dead lady in the Wonton Soup one, and last night, last night was another hell of a doozy. It started out that I was pregnant, only I didn't know I was pregnant until I was about to give birth. That means I was partying my ass off (at times) and doing all sorts of things you aren't supposed to do when you're carrying a fetus to term. I thought about my friend H. who is really pregnant and how her lifestyle drastically changed when she knew she was carrying a bun in the oven, and how mine hadn't at all. I began to panic. Before the fetus was born, I decided that I'd probably give it up for adoption. I hadn't prepared myself for motherhood at all. My friend T. was pregnant with me (in "real" life she's not) and she had been seeing her OBGYN every week for the last few months. I had never gone to the doctor and therefore I didn't know anything about my fetus. T. and I both went into the hospital together. We were both supposed to give birth around the same time.

I went into labor first. I was really nervous and asked if they'd just cut my stomach open. I didn't want to lose elasticitiy in my vagina or have to deal with stitches. I thought of my cousin M. who had a really hard first delivery and I was afraid of the pain childbirth would cause. They told me not to worry and to continue breathing. I also thought, for sure, if this fetus came out alive, it would most probably be retarded. After all, like I said, it's not like the past nine months had been about healthy living.

So, T. is still in labor and I give birth. A rather painless birth and the small animal of a child gets out the natural way. Only, it's not a small baby once it emerges from between my legs. It's a cat. It's a cat. Holy shit, I've given birth to a cat!!! A cat that has my face, my eyes, my nose, my smile. Not literally, but like a child resembles his mother, this cat looks like me. I think back to whom I'd had sex with nine months before, and who could possibly be the father, because have I mentioned, I have no idea who the daddy is, and I know I never had sex with a cat. And I don't know who the fuck I had sex with that got me pregnant. I'm getting visibly upset. I decide that I'm going to give the cat up for adoption, that I don't want to ever be reminded that I gave birth to such a thing.

And as I get sad, I remember a pyschic once told me that she saw I'd have a son, only she wasn't sure if he would actually be my son, and I start to pray to some Goddess that this isn't what she meant. A cat?! No way! What human gives birth to a cat? For some reason my breasts aren't producing milk, and I have no stitches from childbirth so giving up this "baby" won't be as painful as it could have been.

I woke up before I gave him away. I couldn't go back to sleep. And now I've been up for a few hours and still, I'm freaked out about giving birth to a cat.

Posted by jamye at April 9, 2021 01:28 PM