February 15, 2021

Thee Pill

I write this as if there's only one pill, because whenever someones says they're on the pill, you know exactly what pill they're talking about, even if there are hundreds of thousands of pills out there. Although it reminds me of a time, back when I was 15, when someone asked me where I lived and I said the island. I was in LA with my Aunt and some very famous friends, and she looked at me as if I said "I like to kill little animals and fry up their eyeballs."

For the record, I would never eat a fried eyeball, or kill a small animal unless it was a cockroach, but still, when I said "thee island" my Aunt pulled me aside and said, "Don't ever say the island. It's not the only island in this world, and it's most definitely not the center of the universe."

I understood what she meant. My small bubble had been burst. Which wasn't a bad thing. It allowed me to realize there was so much more to life than Plainview. And once I realized this, it actually allowed for my built up teenage angst to froth over. I've found some of the darkest writing I ever did back when I was 15. I didn't want to go back to high school on Lawn Guyland after that summer. I wanted to find a new center of my universe.

But that's not my point. Not tonight. Tonight it's about the pill. The birth control pill. The pill I was on by the age of 16, when I first became sexually active in a penetrative sort of way. I stayed on that pill until I was 24. Until that first, and practically only relationship fizzled away, I kept popping my one a day baby prevention. At 24 I decided I didn't want to do it anymore, put this artificial hormone in my body. At 24 I said goodbye to the pill.

It took me over a year to get my period back. The doctors told me that if I ever wanted to have babies, I would most likely need help getting pregnant. It took three more years to get a more typical flow. I've only been "normal" since this past summer. Before that, my period was touch and go. I've always blamed it on the pill.

I have a lot of cancer in my family. If I go into my history I'll just get depressed, but let's just say that today, at my gynecological visit, the doctor said "The cancer history in your family is really scary. Have you ever thought about going on the pill?"

She was the second person in less than a month that had mentioned the word. We talked about it. How the pill helps cut the risk of ovarian cancer. How nothing can protect you from the risk of breast cancer. We thought about it together. I thought about it alone. I've decided to go back on the pill.

So, within the next week, I am returning to a place that I haven't been back to since I was having regular intercourse with a boy that I loved. And while that was my reasoning for being on it at the time, this time it's taking on a whole other meaning.

And I'm nervous, for the possible weight gain, the first week of nauseous, the idea that once again I am chemically altering my body. But I guess if it helps me stick it out here, on this Earth, a little bit longer than I'll do what I can.

After all, it is thee pill.

Posted by jamye at February 15, 2021 07:46 PM