December 07, 2021

Miracles do happen

I came home last night, reattached the watered down cell phone and crossed my fingers. It'll never work, I thought, it's a crappy phone. That's the last time I won't believe in crappy phones. It's all there, the too many random numbers I thought I'd lost, the text messages - as if they had never gone for a swim at chez dirty sink water the other night. As if they had never really disappeared, they just forgot to tell me they needed a nap.

Ironically, I never stressed about the fact that I didn't have a phone. I figured I'd get all my important numbers back. I had a friend who had an extra phone so I knew I didn't need to buy a new one. I never expected my phone to work. The last time this happened, with a "better" phone, the zero never came back to life, and what good is a phone if you can't dial zero? So after two weeks I resigned myself to a new phone. This crapola phone started working in less than 2 days!

Now I know that it really was a sign that I needed a night with a world I didn't remember. A world without cell phones. A night of limited communication, a night with boys who resemble superheros, which again is another story in the "that's all the information you're gonna get" book. It's nice to be reconnected. Nice to know that I have a chance to back up all my numbers before I pour water on my phone again. Nice to meet real superheros.

I'm trying to design this blog into a website, as well as work on a site for another upcoming project. I spoke to the boy I'm using to help me design all this, he lives in Georgia, and he doesn't know me at all. Today we talk, he says, "how is it that you're the busiest girl in New York?" I pause. Stop. Think. Realize that I am really busy but who the fuck am I to be as busy as I am? "I don't think I'd be alive if I didn't keep myself constantly busy," I retort, not sure what else to say. And now I can't stop thinking, "why am I so busy?"

It's all about living life. Not just living it, but actually being it. I spoke to an ex last night. I guess he was never really an ex as I was always the other woman in the situation, but we did develop a very monogamous relationship of sorts. We haven't seen each other in months, and it's only now, after months of figuring out how to move on, and then actually doing it, that I can and want to be his friend. He lives on the east coast in a country far more liberal than ours, and the girlfriend that he was with the whole time he was with me, lives out west, here, in the Un-ited States. He's thinking of dropping out of school and moving out west. Finishing up his life out there, being with her, and living that ever after. But he's not ready, he knows this and I know this. It's a comfort thing for him, at least that's how I see it, and in the 30 minutes that we talked last night, I was reminded of how easy it is to skip out on being present in your own life.

"Do you really want to watch as life passes you by?" I asked him. "Do you really want to live her life, her family, her ways, for the rest of yours?" At 28, some of his family thinks he's getting too old. At 28, I told him he's just starting to live.

I am present in this life. I am so present that I don't have time to be so present anywhere else. And I want that for all the people I care about. A belief in their ideas, in themselves, a sense that the first person they have to take care of is them.

There's a saying that's very close to me these days. It isn't exactly about living and being, but it reminds me about truth every day. I read it at the end of a Madonna video, and it will be with me forever.

"Poor is the (wo)man whose pleasure depends upon the permission of others."

I hope your phone dies for a day. I hope it turns on after that. I hope you get a chance to think and learn and be. I hope you remember that it's not that long a ride.

Sorry for the preachiness, but my phone turned back on, life continues and miracles do happen.

Posted by jamye at December 7, 2021 01:08 PM