This week’s so last week celebrates whining and dining. From the right wing fundamentalists who’ll continue to whine over the Obama Administration’s (about time) strike down of DOMA, to dining on breast milk ice cream (donors needed), it’s the 69th posting of SLW: Sex News You May Have Missed.
Obama stops defending the Defense of Marriage Act. (WashingtonPost)
Help Wanted: Nursing mothers needed for breast milk ice cream. (GlobalPost)
Mate Guarding. Relationship Maintenance. Evolutionary Psychology studies sex, and the results may surprise you. (NYT)
Sex after cancer: From vaginal atrophy to radiation burns, how to bring healthy back to her sex life. (ABC)
Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange to face questioning over sex crimes allegations. (thelocal)
Anti-abortion billboard in NY claims “the most dangerous place for an African American is in the womb.” (Liberaland)
This week’s Hot Sox podcast was actually supposed to be posted last week, but computer sabotage (meaning my computer controlled my ability to edit the podcast) stopped me from putting it up.
So now I present to you, with limited interruption, the podcast run-through for last week’s Mindshare event. I recorded this just hours (more like a half-hour) before I went to do the real thing in front of actual living, breathing human beings and one Sinthetic doll named Celeste.
The date was 2.17.11. The event: Mindshare LA. The talk was on masturbation, from the history to the hysterical, or from obscure vice to sexual superstore (a Thomas Laqueur quote, he wrote Solitary Sex : A Cultural History of Masturbation). It’s quite interesting the whole hysterical build-up around the subject of solo sex. Masturbation didn’t become a sexual vice until 1712, when it went from a solitary sex act to a physical ailment. It was a result of the publication of an anonymous pamphlet called (long breath), Onania, or the Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution and All it’s Frightful Consequences (in Both Sexes) Considered: With Spiritual and Physical Advice to Those Who Have Already Injured Themselves by this abominable Practice.
Fast forward.
I also talk about Pee Wee Herman, who in a 2010 interview with Playboy tried to prove he didn’t masturbate in a theater because sex researchers Masters and Johnson say that people masturbate with their dominant hand, and the police report said that Pee Wee was caught masturbating with his left hand when he’s clearly right handed. And don’t forget A FEW MONTHS BACK, when Taylor Momsen was quoted as saying that her best friend is her vibrator, because that freaked people out too.
There’s more. From Seinfeld to Jocelyn Elders, whether you’re the master of your domain or not, this masturbatory run-through delves into the history as well as the positive (and negative) effects of masturbation, toys for boys, toys for girls and how doctors alleviated anxiety through medicinal vibration.
Question: After having my first baby, I can’t seem to get my sex drive back. I feel unattractive and my body looks different. I don’t want my husband to touch me, let alone look at me. It’s been three months now, and I can’t figure out what to do. I’m afraid this will ruin my marriage.
Answer: While I can’t say I feel your pain, having never birthed a child, I can tell you that you are not alone in feeling pain/ed. According to the experts at babycenter.com, losing your sex drive is typical and, unfortunately, the feeling can last for months.
There are studies, although I haven’t found the source of them, that say postpartum women (at least 20 percent of them) have little or no desire for sex three months after delivery, and another 21 percent have a complete loss of desire or aversion to sexual activity. In an Australian study (again no source here), six weeks was the median time for women to begin to have sex again, but half of those women (and remember that’s median) had initial and persistent problems after they started having intercourse. Another mysterious study found that 20 percent of first time mothers took six months to feel physically comfortable during sex, and still another study revealed that 57 percent of women continued to have less frequent sex a year after their baby was born. Regardless of the origin of these studies, what it points to is that what you’re going through is totally normal (even if I hate the word normal).
On a more personal note, when my friend and fellow sex educator Jaiya Ma gave birth to her son, she lost her desire for sex. If you know anything about Jaiya then you know that this woman has always had more desire than most women for sex, as well as not one, but two loving partners. She says she wasn’t used to her postpartum curves, and sex became painful as a result of scar tissue build up and vaginal dryness. The good news is that after working with another hands-on healer, Ellen Heed, she’s gotten rid of the scar tissue and vaginal dryness, and now claims to be having the best, most pleasurable, deepest orgasmic sex of her life.
You can learn more about her amazing recovery, and the sexual vitality program it inspired here. All I can add is good luck and get rest because sooner or later (or after RSVP), you may need it!
I love music. To dance to, to hoop to, to listen to, so my only question about the Freestyle rechargeable, wireless vibrator from OhMiBod is why did it take me so long to review this?! This one-of-a-kind vibrator gets you off TO your music, and WITH your music because it plugs into your MP3 player to work with the sounds you want to hear. The peeps (and I love the peeps) behind OhMiBod thought of everything, from traveling with your toy, to how to listen, to the 8 various ways you can enjoy this rechargeable vibe.
The Freestyle brings music to the nexxxt level and who can’t jive with that?!
“We” (by we, I mean I) interrupt your regularly scheduled sex toy review (back tomorrow) to bring you this post, which is actually brought to you by the fantastic RabbitWrite. It should be titled “why I do what I do” because it’s going to be that kind of personal/confessional post, but in celebration of Lady Porn Day, and because I live in Los Angeles, it is what it is.
Confession 1: I don’t watch much porn in my personal life. In my professional life I watch porn, but still, not as much as some of my other friends, both sex ed types and “civilians” (as the porn world likes to call you when you’re not in “the” industry). One of my closest friends started the revolution to make the kind of porn that couples can choose to watch, and she doesn’t even like the word porn. In fact, she make a conscious choice to avoid the word, calling it erotica, which makes it feel all warm, fuzzy, soft and pretty. While I appreciate that, I also know that not all women like warm, fuzzy, soft and pretty, so I use porn, embrace it, hug it, kiss it, make love to it, but I generally don’t make love with it. Porn is part of my workload, and that makes me less likely to shoot a load when watching it alone.
I don’t think this makes me a hypocrite. I got in to the industry as a result of radio, producing a show called LoveBytes with Bob Berkowitz. That’s where I met Candida Royalle. She was charming, intelligent, alive and in charge. I loved all those things about her. She was a lady and a businesswoman, an independent free-thinker who had pioneered her place in sexual history. And, she happened to think I was swell.
The first movie I worked on was Stud Hunters: A Hard Man is Good to Find. I even have a cameo in it (look for the women with the picket signs. That’s me, Veronica Vera and Candida). I then wrote a second film with her, Under the Covers, and took a non-sex role in the movie. By non-sex I mean I get caned by the porn actress Syren. I gave my parents a copy of the movie and warned them that they’d see my ass. They’d already seen it millions of times growing up as I was the child getting punished the most, and most often my punishment came in the form of a good ass smack. Getting my ass caned was a more difficult task than I had imagined, especially since getting down on all fours and allowing myself to feel vulnerable around a cast and crew I helped compile made me feel like I was losing my power. Since then I’ve gone on to make four of my own movies, all with an educational slant. The Personal Touch series left me feeling slightly less than stellar, and I learned a lot about taking charge (especially since I can own up to the fact now that I didn’t). My last film, 101 Positions for Lovers (support me, if you’re going to buy it, and do it here, was the film I feel best about making, and more along the lines of the types of movies I will continue to make.
In this week’s so last week, sex news you may have missed you will not believe the logic of a South Dakota bill on abortion. Porn - who’s problem is his porn, and a New York Times op-ed piece on marriage for one and for all. A dark week indeed, but an interesting one too.
South Dakota: Kill the doctor, save the fetus. (Yahoo)
Question: I’ve been working at a job for over six months now and flirting with one of my co-workers the whole time. He’s single and so am I, and recently, at an office happy hour we finally made out. I really like him, and I know the feeling is mutual. How can we date and make sure it doesn’t affect our work or our working relationship?
Answer: You can’t make sure of anything, but you can rest assured that if this doesn’t work out, it could mean a new job for one of you. You should seriously understand (and accept) this if you’re going to proceed with, or without, caution. The good thing is, you’ve been getting to know each other for the past six months, so it’s not like you’re jumping into something brand new, but six months can be, depending on your age and your biological clock, long enough, or not so long.
According to a 2011 survey on office romance conducted by Vault, you aren’t along in your office love. In fact, 59% of worker bee’s have been involved in an office romance and 63% would do it again. So what can you do to keep your office life and your love life separate?
Keep them separate. For starters, don’t engage in PDA’s in front of the copy machine, printer or water cooler. Avoid using company email to make dates or to discuss how and when you’re going to peg him. Conversation with your office boyfriend should remain casual at work, unless you report to him, or he reports to you, and if that’s the case, stop the romance now. Power dynamics can make things messy, especially when one of you is the boss of the other one.
When it comes to sexual relations, don’t do it during office hours. Best not to do it in the office, but if that’s your thing, come back at a time when nobody is around - like 1am or on a weekend. Even try to limit your contact at the office. Jealousy can be a bitch, and if you start to deconstruct his every move (or he yours) then you will go mad over time. Try to keep your contact to out-of-office activities as much as possible and enjoy the bonus of lunch dates (once a week) since you do work together. You might also want to avoid too much work talk, keeping the gossip about Luke’s bad breathe, or Marsha’s crush on Jan, to a minimum. It’s fine to have this connection and talk about everything, but make sure office talk doesn’t saturate your relationship.
The thing is, if you’re going to have this office romance, have fun, but without being too morbid, think about how you will handle it if, and when, it’s over. I’ve had at least three office romances (yep, I’m right there with you) and all of them ended quite differently. In the first one, I watched him start to flirt with another co-worker and decided this could get messy, so I ended it then. The next was casual and fun at first, and then when feelings got highly aroused we both agreed it wasn’t the right time. And the third, well, he wouldn’t look at me after it was over, and he got some people to think I was the devil. In that last one, work did get awkward, but we worked in the kind of place (a radio station) where we could talk it out, literally and on-air. At times it felt like there were two teams, but the truth is, we didn’t work on the same projects, so it didn’t matter to me. I had my life and he had his, but still, I won’t lie and say it wasn’t weird.
So be safe and plot the out. Are you wiling to leave your job if things go sour? Is he? I’m asking, because even at the beginning of an office romance, you need to see the end.
While doing research for tomorrow night’s Mindshare LA talk on masturbation, I came across a slew of old 1920′s ads for Lysol, and all I can say is I’m so glad I wasn’t alive (at least not that I remember) during these Lysol days. Not only was Lysol intended to go up into the vagina to clean it out, but the ads were so misogynistic, it’s a wonder any woman still buys the darn products.
From 1930 to 1960, vaginal douching with Lysol was the most popular form of birth control in the United States. And not only was it a method of contraception, Lysol encouraged women to douche with their products to keep their husbands happy. As if a woman who doesn’t douche with Lysol would lose her husband to a woman who did.
For those who are thinking of giving this a go in modern times, let me just remind you that the vagina is a self cleaning oven, and that there’s no need to use Lysol for birth control or to save your marriage. Besides, it won’t work.
Live on location from a “secret” windy roof top location in Venice, California, this week’s sex product review is The Screaming O‘s Bang O vibrating cock ring. What makes the Bang O different is the three weighted balls that dangle low for extra bangin’ stimulation. Used during intercourse, the vibrating bullet is designed to stimulate her clitoris, but I prefer vibrating pleasure rings to use during oral sex (think about using it when you’re going down on him or a dildo). Or, use it over a few fingers for vibrating, finger-licking masturbation of her clitoris. Watch the short sex toy review to learn more about the waterproof, battery-operated Bang O!
Yeah, it’s Valentines Day, but that doesn’t stop regular production of so last week, sex news you may have missed. Of course it does change up a little of what you may be reading here today. Even if you aren’t in love, why not make today about the New Year for, and of, love - whether or not it has anything to do with sexy times or the state of affairs.
Ashley Madison and the state of affairs. (LVWeekly)
Lessons on love and life from the wild. (HuffPost)
So 2 weeks ago: How tech tools transformed NYC sex trade. (Wired)
Italian women protest over Berlusconi sex scandal. (Reuters)
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