I just finished shooting what should be a fun educational video for the new glove harness, La Palma, from SpareParts HardWear. It’s a cool project, one I don’t think I can disclose anything about until the video is done, but the fact that a sex toy company is dealing with one of my biggest pet peeves, which is lack of instructional materials when it comes to what comes with sex toys, this makes me super happy. However, the production itself was a little stressful. For starters, I was afraid I’d have a lot to memorize, but that fear was eradicated with the help of my new favorite website, cueprompter.

However, once we got on set, the makeup artist, who is also about to become a porn star (ya gotta love LA) made my eyes so black that I looked like I had just lost a fight after 36 hours without sleep. When I asked her to remove the excess darkness, or what I am now referring to the ring-o-not-so-rosy-around-the-eyes, she did so by placing lotion on a Q-tip and then proceeded to put that in my eyes! IN MY  EYES! Like seriously, the lotion touched the actual whites of my eyes. I was so afraid of the redness that would ensue, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep my contacts in, and I had no glasses with me. My eyes hurt all day. They were tired. Slightly blurry and heavy. The girl was nice, but really, who puts scented lotion in someone’s eyes?! It took me a moment to realize what was happening, I was so shocked that I didn’t do anything at first. And finally I said something fairly obvious. I asked “did you just put lotion in my eyes?” When she said yes, I told her I don’t think you should do that. I mean, I thought that was common sense, but maybe I’m just picky. I don’t think I’ll be letting her near my eyes again. Ever.

Then there was the set. When you only have four hours to film A LOT of dialogue, things can get tense. I’m trying to learn to control my control issues, but sometimes they get the best of me, and while I think Morty Diamond is the bomb and I think the world of him, we got into it (meaning brawled) a bit too much at times. He was the one who helped write the script and co-hosted with me. We spent years selling dildos together, but by the end of the shoot we weren’t truly getting along, not in the nice sense of the word.

Also, we thought we’d have a model there, at least one, to help us demonstrate positions, but when we realized we’d be the ones simulating sex, and we were already simulating friendship at that point, it got more than just a little uncomfortable. So I wound up having sex for the camera, but not the kind of sex you see in adult movies. I was fully clothed and sort of acting like a dead fish when I wasn’t laughing really hard at the whole shebang.

But that’s just TMI. I can’t wait for you to see the clips, and the final product. Until we get into editing, one never knows how it’ll look, but I now know more about glove harnesses than I ever thought I could. And I learned a neat trick, involving a plastic bag, to help insert big harnesses into dildos. All you need to do is place the plastic bag so that it’s about an inch and a half above the base of the toy. That will help slide it through the hole, and then with the space at the bottom designed to allow the harness to fit all the way down, you can easily remove the bag.