Shopping does not get me off on Black Friday. I’m not big into lines and traffic and wheeling carts into aisles filled with thousands of eager beavers all looking for the best “dam” deal. I don’t need anything else in my life right now, except maybe a sewing machine so I can learn to make more of what I want, but I don’t even really need that (and I’ve got friends and family willing to give me the ones they aren’t using anyway). Still if you’re brave, dumb, or wild enough (you decide) to head out on Black Friday, I’ve got some sexy suggestions for how to make it more interesting.
Wear a vibrating egg (either so that it hits your clit or guys, try it under the balls) and play with the knobs as you wait in line to pay for your bargains.
Spend a little extra time checking out your bits in the dressing room. Who cares if others have to wait, isn’t that what Black Friday’s all about?
Play a kissing game with your shopping buddies. Every time two people grab for the same item, you have to kiss your lovers or friends on a different part of their epidermis.
Listen to some form of audible erotica (like this one, but I’ve never heard this one) while you shop around. After you’re done buying all your wares, get home and take care of business.
Just stay in. Sleep late. If you’ve got a partner, bang all day and screw (on) Black Friday instead of going out and feeling screwed. Trust me, you’ll be able to shop til you drop any other day of the year so play with a friend, play with yourself just stay in bed longer and avoid those long lines.
Thinking about stuffing the turkey has me think back to Portnoy’s Complaint, when Alexander Portnoy, the mentally anguished hero of the book that is seemingly only one chapter long and whines on and on, says:
So now you know the worst thing I have ever done. I fucked my own family’s dinner.
Something about that reminds me of turkey, but I can’t quite say what it is. He does fuck a piece of meat, and it ain’t turkey, and it’s not Thanksgiving, but still, can you imagine if it were? And then I’m reminded of another holiday…Halloween, and all those sexy Halloween costumes for the lad-eez. Is there (there must be) a sexy turkey outfit to compliment the handsome pilgrim? If there is, it mustn’t be a big seller, as I’ve yet to actually meet a turkey at any Halloween party I’ve ever attended. Or if I have met I turkey, let me apologize now, for your turkey costume did not impress me long enough to leave a lasting impression.
It don’t matter. It’s Thanksgiving, I’m mixed on the holiday, but big on giving thanks - and I think that’s something we should give not just today, but blah..blah..blah..it’s been said before. So here’s some stuff(ing) I’m thankful for this year:
For living life and not just being alive.
For people who strive to recreate the human experience so we can all experience.
For connections, deep and shallow (but I like the deep ones better unless I’m trying to come, then go shallow).
For love. For being it, seeing it and having it. And for realizing that everything is love this year. Not sure what that completely means yet (besides the fact that it sounds like I’m drinking too much kool aid) but really love is amazing. Not just loving others but loving yourself AND even more than just those two things, sending out love to everyone. Seriously, try it..it feels awesome. Just look at the gal in the car next to you, or the homeless man sleeping in the corner under some heavy duty bag and radiate love. And then keep going..walking that is, and smiling and projecting love..it’s rad. And I do mean rad, even though it’s a word I haven’t used in years, but I’m using rad because it’s Thanksgiving and I’m thankful for words like rad and bag (as in “under some heavy duty bag” and “it’s my bag baby”) and T-minus-T-day is not only a time to give thanks, but I’m declaring it a time to switch shit up. That’s why I’m cursing a lot too. I used to do it more than I do it now and I’ll go back to doing it a lot less tomorrow. I’m making my own rules now. I hope you’ll understand.
There’s no way to guarantee perfection in a condom, especially since it all depends on the machine known as human being who’s controlling its fit, form and function, but earlier this month Consumer Reports beat up, and blew up, 20 different models (and bought 15,000 condoms) to see how strong they actually are. One Durex, Two Lifestyles and Four Trojan Condoms topped the list while Night Light’s Glow in the Dark condom should be avoided lest you want to be someone called mommy or daddy in the not-to-distant future.
The video, while cheesy (my favorite way to be!) shows you just what goes on when testing condoms. No condoms are actually physically tested by two human bodies in the heat of the moment, but the things that machines can do to condoms are pretty impressive. Since I hate the sound of popping balloons, I can’t say I’ve ever blown up a condom until it has exploded, but now I’m sure that big packages can fit inside a little latex or polyurethane.
Boobs make boob recommendations. Vampire sex is kinky, and stir some perky into your relationship for added good times.
The United States Preventive Services Task Force is trying to cut costs on your health. Their new breast cancer screening guidelines are the so f-cked up I can’t even believe they would print this sh*%. (Bust)
Perkiness isn’t just for nipples and coffee, it helps relationships. Positivity oriented psychologists agree that positive couples (the do-bees and not the don’t bees) are together longer. Want one way to stay happy? (Psychology Today)
An ode to Twilight: Why non-vampires are obsessed with vampire sex. (Fox)
Levi Johnston poses for Playgirl. I know you know I know. (NYDailyNews)
Jenna Jameson does Oprah, and Oprah discovers that women watch porn. What type of women watch porn? “Women with vaginas,” says my friend Anne Hodder. One more question, wasn’t Jenna Jameson so 8 years ago? (Jezebel)
Mussolini and his 14 lovers (and that’s not necessarily one at a time here). (TimesOnline)
I hear my old acting coach discussing the finer points of character development as Meston says this. What’s your motivation? Who are you and why are you? And then I continue reading. Meston says some encouraging words about orgasm:
“With the exception of certain medical diseases — like diabetes, certain spinal cord injuries or prescription drugs like antidepressants — there is no evidence whatsoever that some women are incapable of having an orgasm.” I feel relief, and hope, and well, that anythings is possible. Oh, and if you’re looking to find out about how to have a whole myriad of orgasms, I recommend you check out the book I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide.
I learn too about mate poaching, a term that causes me anxiety at thirty-something-something, when I’m thinking that it would be nice to meet a mate with whom I may mate in the next few years. Mate poaching, according to Meston’s co-author/researcher David M. Buss (what’s with using the middle initials), is a term that came about because “men and women who are high in mate value tend to get snapped up. Not always, but they are often in relationships. What that means is that you often hear women complain there are no eligible men — all the men are either married, permanent bachelors or gay. There is some truth to that, in that guys who are commitment-oriented tend to get in relationships. It really does shrink the pool of desirable men who are out there for single women. What that means is that the truly desirable people, or a fraction of them, are already in mating relationships. So, mate poaching becomes an option.”
There’s more to explore in the book Why Women Have Sex I’m sure. I’m not into mate poaching, but I am into orgasms. And there’s talk of the rape fantasy, and other things that make me go hmmm. As soon as I get my copy, I’ll paw through it. And once I know why I have sex, or actually why I don’t have sex right now, there will be more to share.
I’ve often thought about having a penis, and not the detachable kind, but the kind that I could feel growing inches under my pants and the kind I could hold in my hands and write with while I peed. I’ve wanted one of those kinds of penises for a while, but it’s not going to happen, not in this lifetime. After reading Vice Magazine’s hilarious “investigative report” on how it all goes down, and comes out, at the urinal, I’m actually quite happy that I don’t have to worry about my non-existent penis, and that I get to take a whiz behind closed doors.
I had no idea about the quarter game. Really? Do guys sink so low as to find out if anyone would truly stick their hand in another man’s pee to grab a quarter?
I am intrigued that some urinal owners keep their urinals filled with ice, which I only learned from this quote: “I love urinals that have ice cubes (or sometimes crushed ice) in them—something about the sound of it melting feels productive, stirs up Proustian memories of your mommy cheering you on way back when you were first learning to go.”
Plus, who teaches you the unwritten rules of urinal decorum? “If you can, you always have one empty urinal between you and someone else. You never just sidle up to a urinal next to someone unless it’s crowded and you have to.” And splash back. Splash back seems like an anxiety laden term, and a major issue for the lower half of man. It’s like they should give you one of those long bibs you get at the hair salon for use in every stall. ”Splash-back can ruin an outfit. Often the angle of the stream and the ‘convex’ nature of the urinal can cause a fine mist that will pepper the lower half of your torso.”
I *heart* Will Phillips and other things that make me moan:
Ten year old Will Phillips won’t stand for the pledge of allegiance until there really is liberty and justice for all. The extraordinary boy wants equality for everyone, including the right for gays and lesbians to marry. (CNN)
Fake it until you make it? What role do moaning, groaning and “hysterical, continuous screaming” play in the quest for the female O? (Hint: none) (Independent.ie)
A womb with a view. Fatherhood explores the gender unbalance when it comes to what’s brewing in her belly. (Salon)
A Spanish region’s adolescent sex education lesson rocks more than the motto “pleasure is in your own hands.” (BBC)
Science is sexy. “Diary of London Call Girl” Belle du Jour reveals herself. (TimesOnline)
One man’s sexual exploration with a penguin, a duck and a fish. (NYPress)