(Michael Moore?)

Dear Life,

Hi! How are you today? I am fine, although I still haven’t moved from the couch since last night. What can I say, it’s a really comfortable couch. *Does your family say COMfortable or CUMfortable? Did you happen to catch Michael Moore on Jay Leno? I’m a bit concerned about his weight. He’s way too fat for his own good. The book he’s pushing looks interesting, it’s about letters from soldiers. But, getting back to how he looks, he reminded me of the dad from Family Guy. Or maybe Walter Hudson - at least I think that was his name? He was really fat. I think he’s dead now, but he was still alive when they chopped up parts of his house to airlift him and his bed. Now, that’s fat.

So. What else is new? I’m feeling rather homeless, which is not really new at all. What’s ironic about all this was I was sitting next to a homeless woman on the F train yesterday. She was definitely crazy, but I like talking to crazy people sometimes. She told me how hard it was to be homeless, and I wanted to tell her how I understood. Of course she was also pushing all of her wares on me, trying to sell me a hat for $6 and a ring for some other price. “C’mon, she said, I’m homeless.” Whatever. Then she told me about how all children are really instinctual killers. “Give them a toy gun,” she says, “and they’ll show you how to shoot it.” She says that she gets beat up every night by kids at Grand Central Station (I say change your location lady) and that the police are in on it. They steal her makeup, because that’s what’s most valuable to her. “I ain’t 21 anymore,” she says. *She does have a rather fine technique for the application of makeup. This, she states, is what makes her look as if she’s not homeless.

Oh, this subway ride was wild. Between the not so crazy, crazy, homeless lady telling me about the evils of small children, to the middle-aged, attractive, lesbian ladies across the way, who actually put on their glasses so they could appreciate my scarf, it was a fun trip. Then they proceeded to admire me and say things like “I love your use of color,” and “Look how bright you are!” Yes, I know, they were just trying to get in my pants. Or did I mean how I wanted them to want to get into my pants? Hmmm… Reminded me of how I walk through life in another dimension sometimes, one that allows me to have these types of experiences.

Uhm, I think I have a crush. I will admit when I have crushes because there’s no substantial foundation or substance to the relationship as of yet. A crush can just disappear, but it’s still fun, fresh and fantastic when nothing has happened. I do want to go out at least once with this boy. He has most definitely caught my attention. So, I’m enjoying this crush on a really interesting crushee. Then of course there’s Orange Crush. But, I’ve never been much good at changing a subject.

Today’s Nov. 30th. It’s one of those days where I know a lot of things going on. My sister turns 25. A significant person I once knew turns 28. Six years ago today I ended a nine year relationship. I lost an apartment (fine, that was yesterday, but still it’s only a day later) and tomorrow is December (yes, I’m stretching things now).

What’s new with you? Are you still working with that weird guy, what’s his name again, I think you said Death? How’s the family? Is your mother doing better? I’m sure you’re situation will improve, remember it is what you make of it. I think about you often, and wonder what’s in store for us now. Keep your energy going and remember to floss after you brush, but don’t practice what you preach.

Stay in touch always.

That’s what life is full of…and that’s apparently what the horoscope on my birthday warned me about. This year, it read, will be full of ups and downs.

The ups:
I am working on three fantabulous projects, two of which are, according to my gut feelings, going to be huge!!! I am going away for New Years, going to a better (head)space in New Mexico where I have been promised a very fun time. Then it’s off to Vegas, and once I return, I have a feeling things in my career will never be the same. I’m “lecturing” at Sexy Spirits on December 20th. Pay and support me. The lecture is called “The Sexth Sense: How to Incorporate Your Five Senses into Sex Play.”

Oh, and I have a new artistic crush. Julie Atlas Muz I think I love you.

the downs:
I have my period and I’m cramping like a whale harped on a beach left out to dry so they can use it’s blubber for oil. I slept on my brother’s couch last night, and although it wasn’t comfortable enough, it wasn’t uncomfortable. Still, it was and is a couch.

And then, my favorite part of the day:

9AM: I got a call from my mortgage broker. I thought it would be my decision about this apt., which has, in the last week, been nothing less than a series of roller coaster moments. But…I am NOT getting the apartment. NOT moving into my own space in NYC right now. I am NOT sure where I am going to live, or how I am going to live, but I can’t keep living the way I’m living now. This suitcase thing, this couch surfing thing, this not having my own blanket and my own sheet thing, is so last year. I want a refrigerator to put my own magnets on. I want my own space, a place that I don’t have to pack up every 24 hours. I am NOT happy about this right now.

I’ve cancelled all my plans for tonight because I feel like I’m in a period of mourning. I’m working in sweatpants right now, and I didn’t even feel like showering today. I have experienced a big loss and I’ll move forward. Only I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to move right now. I have spent the past two months getting this apartment. It’s not all that clear what really happened. Everyone who has been working on or through this with me thinks its the mortgage brokers fault, and not to believe what she’s been telling me (which is that the bank won’t accept the mortgage based on an appraisal glitch). While it may be her fault, I don’t care whose fault it is anymore, because it’s over. It’s like when someone dies, while it’s nice to know how they died, it doesn’t really matter…they’re dead and not coming back.

So this is me today. Not fun. Not happy. Not much to read about. But I haven’t blogged in days, and for fear that you might think I was dead, I wanted to write. I know I’ll be fine. I’m just not there right now.

Bush Seeks Funds for Abstinence Education
A breaking headline from last night at 11:34 PM, or at least that’s the first time I saw it.

Why doesn’t he get it?

Abstinence only education is not going to stop kids from having sex, but it is going to stop some of them from having safe sex. Let’s take condoms for example. If nobody talks to you about condoms and you are sexually curious, but you don’t know about bagging your boner, why would you shield your sword?

A majority of human beings are sexual by nature …sure, some may be sexual by nurture as well, but the point I’m trying to make is that MOST OF US are sexual beings. Of course we’d be sexual, because we’re animals for chrissakes. We want to have sex, even if it’s supposed to be, but isn’t always, to procreate. For animals, sex is a part of life. Just like breathing, eating, sleeping. It could even be self-love, it doesn’t matter, it’s still sex.

And although abstinence only tends to focus on intercourse, I don’t think any of the advocates for abstinence only education are screaming about the joys of masturbation. Self-love people, it’s an amazing way to get off and stay safe. But you still have the choice to engage in consensual sex at a consensual age in a consensual place. And you should be able to know your choices.

Schools need comprehensive sexuality education, not this abstinence only crap. This way children learn about abstinence, but they also learn about other things too. Why are we such a “one way street” society?

Hear it from another perspective:
“The only 100 percent way to avoid a car collision is not to drive, but the federal government sure does a lot of advocacy for safety belts,” said James Wagoner, president of Advocates for Youth.

If schools won’t teach comprehensive sexuality then I will. So here’s today’s lesson…

I’m calling it Condoms 101.

Don’t ever buy anything with Non-oxynol 9 in it. It’s off the market in a lot of places, but it’s really bad for you. It always numbed my mouth, and tasted rather detergenty, and it never made me feel good. Turns out, it may actually help spread HIV in women, by agitating the delicate membranes in our cunts. Surprise(d)! Not me.

A condom can effectively protect against pregnancy most of the time if used correctly. Part of the reason why I think condoms tend to break is not enough lube. Make sure you have lube (I love silicone lubes or Sensual Power) because dryness combined with friction is more likely to cause the latex to snap. A good tip is to put a little bit of lube on the head of his penis before you unroll the condom so that it feels nice and moist for him.

A condom can also prevent against most STI’s (Sexually Transmitted Infections). No condom can guarantee protection against HPV, (or genital warts/abnormal pap smears) because HPV is not always easy to detect and it could be on his balls, skin, etc. Statistics say that a lot of people are infected with HPV and don’t know it. Unless two virgins marry, chances that you’ll get HPV, remember you may never know it, are fairly high.

If you’re allergic to latex or your partner is - there are latex alternatives condoms. Avanti is a polyurethane condom made by Durex, and like latex, it helps prevent the spread of HIV. Apparently they break a little more often, at least according to gossip, but they’re larger, and a bit looser than latex. “The polyurethane transmits heat much better than latex, which further enhances the “it doesn’t feel like I’m wearing a condom” feeling. They don’t taste like anything, which is great for oral sex. And, for anal sex, they do not degrade in the presence of oil-based lubes, as would a latex condom”. (I got that last bit of info from a great site)

Lambskin is another alternative. I think lambskin look like sausage casing, which essentially it is, and that grosses me out. They don’t protect against any STI’s.

If he won’t wear a condom, you can, and if he won’t, then he’s an asshole by the way. There’s a “female” condom, which is also good for butts, and it’s called the Reality condom. It’s inserted like a diaphragm, and a piece of it sticks out of your hole. It’s really luby and made of polyurethane, so no other latex condoms should be worn in whatever act will follow.

Oh and another “unproven” fact. Conservative Republicans are having MORE and DIRTIER sex than most other Americans. They are the biggest hypocrites and I don’t understand why they are so dumb, and why 51% of this country let us elect a babboon (no offense to the babboon) as our President. This is what happens when the White House is run like a zoo. Fuck.

Is this our future?

These are a few of the things I’m thankful for this year - because while I think that parts of Thanksgiving suck..it is nice to have a national holiday in which we get to be thankful. I am lucky enough to have friends who are thankful on more than just the last Thursday in November, but that’s a whole other story.

Things I am thankful for 2004:

* Life’s experiences
* Individual Touches
* Feeling Alive
* Intelligent Conversation
* Some of the best friends money can’t buy
* The fact that my two favorite colors - pink and green - are super in right now, so that I can buy all of the stuff that doesn’t sell on sale and wear it even after pink and green go out of style.
* The energy of New York
* Drive, desire and determination
* Getting “it” (finally) - and as I type this I realize that that statement is so open to interpretation
* Self Love and The Pocket Rocket
* Flannel Sheets
* Health Insurance
* Breathing and Stretching
* Larry (not that any of you know what this means, but let’s just say he’s my savior, the reason I don’t have to move my suitcase all around New York. And no, it’s not sexual)
* Anyone who has ever believed in me, and has given me the strength to believe in myself

There is so much more to be thankful for. We all have something. So today, make sure to take a second and remember something, acknowledge someone, think too much about what you’ve taken for granted. Because today isn’t about the pilgrims and Indians, well, yeah it is, but today is also about taking the time to appreciate life. So I hope you remember to appreciate it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I only like that title because I might have ringworm. Not that I should be admitting this either way, because it sounds like one of the grossest things that human skin can come in contact with, okay not grossest, but pretty gross, and I don’t know that it’s ringworm for sure. I have a doctor’s appointment today at 1:30 and then I will have an official diagnosis, but until then I can only say that I think I have ringworm…Actually, I can’t imagine what else it would be. But it’s on my beautiful knee, and at first, well, at first I thought it was a mosquito bite. Someone had recently told me that there were a lot of mosquitos in NY these days.

How does such a clean girl like me get ringworm? and how come it (ringworm) only hurts at night?

It may have been lying dormant in my body for the last few months, because at that time I had a friend with cats whose cats had ringworm. And now that I’m stressed - some of which I can’t talk about until after Monday - the ringworm has decided to rear it’s flat, circle like face. I’ve been putting a combo of clorox/water on the infected circle trying to kill it by bleaching it to death. That would be, in my opinion, a pretty unfun way to die. But I don’t know if it is indeed dying.

Speaking of unfun ways to die, I killed a bee at my parents house a couple of weeks back, in what I believe was a more unfun way to die. I drowned it in windex because it was flying around some glass, and I figured I might as well clean the window while I killed the bee. Of course it died a too slow, painful death, and I sort of felt guilty as I watched it gasp for air, so I tried to keep spraying it to put it out of it’s misery. A half a bottle of windex later and the damn thing finally stopped breathing.

I think the ringworm’s gonna have to dry up and scab off. That’s how I see it leaving my body. So, today, if you happen to read this, and then you happen to see me - call me your royal Fuq (pronounced like the curseword) cause I think it’s funny. Otherwise, don’t call me at all.

Let’s stop talking about ringworm, which isn’t even a worm at all, so why the name?…

Remember when Dear Abby, or was it Dear Ann, used to write those “personal notes” in their columns. The “confidential to” memos…
well, I want to copy them, cause coming up with my own ideas requires more brainpower than I care to emit right now.

Confidential to Andy: thanks for last night!

Confidential to everyone else: (It’s so not what you think)!

I’m up early and although I tried to convince myself to go back to sleep, I am sitting at a computer, watching porn and surfing the web. The porn is research of course, and the web, well, the web is the most reliable source I have for information…or maybe the most unreliable, but whatever, it’s my source.

So here’s some of the YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF THIS NEWS that I’ve received on the web the past few days:

“Addiction to porn destroying lives, Senate told. Experts compare effect on brain to that of heroin or crack cocaine”

In other sad news:
This is from the NY Times, and if I don’t give you the parts of the article that I want you to read, by the time you read this - you may have to actually pay their damn site to access it..so instead, I’ve given you the cake, the plate and the fork. In other words, it’s all here for you, and I have no idea why I decided to use that metaphor, except I seem to always use lame metaphors.

November 20, 2021
Negotiators Add Abortion Clause to Spending Bill
By SHERYL GAY STOLBERG and CARL HULSE

WASHINGTON, Saturday, Nov. 20 - House and Senate negotiators have tucked a potentially far-reaching anti-abortion provision into a $388 billion must-pass spending bill, complicating plans for Congress to wrap up its business and adjourn for the year.

The provision may be an early indication of the growing political muscle of social conservatives who provided crucial support for Republican candidates, including President Bush, in the election.

House officials said Saturday morning that the final details of the spending measure were worked out before midnight and that the bill was filed for the House vote on Saturday.

(Which, as an FYI it passed. From the LA Times: Congress, in one of its final acts of the year, on Saturday approved a massive spending bill that tightened the government’s purse strings in response to a burgeoning federal budget deficit. The House approved the $388-billion measure, then the Senate followed suit in a postelection push to wind up the business of the lame-duck 108th Congress.)

The abortion language would bar federal, state and local agencies from withholding taxpayer money from health care providers that refuse to provide or pay for abortions or refuse to offer abortion counseling or referrals. Current federal law, aimed at protecting Roman Catholic doctors, provides such “conscience protection” to doctors who do not want to undergo abortion training. The new language would expand that protection to all health care providers, including hospitals, doctors, clinics and insurers.

“It’s something we’ve had a longstanding interest in,” said Douglas Johnson, a spokesman for the National Right to Life Committee. He added, “This is in response to an orchestrated campaign by pro-abortion groups across the country to use government agencies to coerce health care providers to participate in abortions.”

The provision could affect millions of American women, according to Senator Barbara Boxer, Democrat of California, who warned Friday that she would use procedural tactics to slow Senate business to a crawl if the language was not altered.

The spending measure, called an omnibus bill, was the main reason Congress returned to Washington after the election.

The 11th-hour controversy over the abortion language capped a long and chaotic day Friday. In the House, the ethics committee ruled that a Democratic lawmaker had brought exaggerated charges against Representative Tom DeLay of Texas, the majority leader, a finding that provoked another round of bitter recriminations between Republicans and Democrats.

Outside the Senate chamber, the common ground Mr. Daschle spoke of seemed hard to find. House and Senate negotiators were still trying to salvage a reorganization of the nation’s intelligence agencies. And Ms. Boxer was trying to negotiate changes to the abortion language, she said, with little success.

Louise Melling, director of the Reproductive Freedom Project at the American Civil Liberties Union, which has opposed the provision, said it would effectively strip states of their right to “enforce laws that were designed to protect women’s health.”

For instance, she said, there are four states - Hawaii, Maryland, New York and Washington - that pay for some abortions for low-income women through their Medicaid programs. Under the language included in the omnibus bill, hospitals would not have to comply with those requirements.

On Friday, nine female senators - eight Democrats and one Republican, Olympia J. Snowe of Maine - wrote a letter to Senator Stevens asking that the language be changed and complaining that it had not gone through committee or to the Senate floor for a vote. Ms. Snowe called the language “a bad provision” that would “adversely affect reproductive health access for women across the country.” She added, “It is an ill-advised policy that is clearly harmful to women.”
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As I reread the parts of the article I chose to share with you I think, Holy fucking shit. It’s happening sooner than I thought it would. But that’s because I like to believe that everything will work out just they way I want it to. I guess I know after this election that nothing ever has to work out as it should, nothing ever has to…

And on a less serious note. Thanks to some friends, I found this site and now I know that after college I most definitely became a New Yorker. Not that I ever wasn’t, but until I was 18 I was a suburban chick, and after 21, well, after 21 I became a full-fledged city girl.

then, damn, I must go see, Julie Atlas Muz next weekend at PS 122. In an effort to be progressively productive, I purchased two tickets…now, who wants to go with me? (Tickets = $15/piece, so it’s not like it will burn a huge hole in your pocket - and trust me, even I can’t afford to afford this). Apparently, it’s a must see, so I wanted to make sure I saw.

Then there’s throat coat, this herbal tea that my former roommate, the one who also used to be a former office manager at a major, recording studio, suggested I use since tonight I have no voice. Tomorrow I have to record radio, so it’s just dandy that tonight I can’t speak. Actually, I’m quite excited for some more time alone, I’ve had a very productive day. Anyway, this former roommate suggested throat coat cause she said it’s what all the heavy metal, hair bands with the hottest singers use because they screw (tee, hee - I said screw) up their voices from partying too hard. Do I party like a rock star sometimes?

WARNING: This is the part of the rambling entry that starts to contain TMI (Too Much Information)

State of Mind: Thinking too much.
I’m sitting all alone tonight, Sunday night, at my favorite “not mine” apartment, and I’m really excited to be alone (as mentioned in the previous paragraph). I had a realization/breakdown last night, I love compound words!, in the apartment of the girlfriend of the “not mine” apartment that I’m in tonight. I was there yesterday because I was feeding her cats while the two of them went out of town on their happy, couply way.

And I realized that right now I want to be more alone than with someone else. Right now I want to be able to grow as my own person, because I think these next few months are going to be huge!!! I have to stay grounded, and I think any major investment in emotional real estate is not the smartest thing for me to do. See, I love passion and I am trying to teach myself to curb my enthusiasm for love.

I love to love. I have probably said this before, and I’ll probably say and do it again, okay, fine, I know I will do it again, but not now. It’s a little bit strange, and I’m still testing the waters, making sure I understand what I’m not looking for. I know I’ve wanted a deep connection with someone for a long time now, fuck, I even went on an online date or two, but if deep means demanding, then I’m just not ready.

However…if everybody else eventually wants a deep, demanding relationship, then one day I’ll probably want one too…I mean, I did finally catch on to Julie Atlas Muz and Throat Coat, y’know.

When he went inside, the group that had gathered around him was laughing. “He looks like the tick,” they screamed at the doorman who had just let the misunderstood and angry bunny back into the bar. “Like the tick”, they reiterated. “Only he’s an out of shape, whacked tick” they kept screaming.

Scotty the Bunny is more than a little misunderstood.

I tried to be nice to him. Asked him if I could take a photo or two..and yes, while he let me, he wasn’t all that nice or social about it. “I need a man,” he said, “someone to help me walk in these heels.” I couldn’t help him there, but I understood what he meant.

What would Scotty the Bunny’s personal ad look like? Cranky, out of shape bunny looking for his own carrot. Maybe if he wasn’t so cantankerous, the men would be lining up at his door. They would have to be secure men who wouldn’t mind dating an angry bunny. But when you’re always blue, it’s hard to meet new people.

Scotty the Bunny didn’t say anything else to me. He never even asked to see the pictures. He sat on the bench and finished his cigarette, yes, some bunny’s do smoke, and got off his ass - which was more than a little revealed through his blue stocking bunny suit and a rather large g-string, and huffed back inside.

And since he was finished with me, I was finished with him.

We went our separate ways for now. But I know we’ll meet again. I know we will.

What the fuck is up with the weather in New York City? I AM NOT COMPLAINING about the beautiful, warm, more spring than fall like weather we had today, but I am quite concerned about the atmosphere. The times they are a changin’.

The times they are a changin’. Such is life. Constantly changin’. Even though we want to predict things, we can’t predict things, like the weather. Still, we like to try to predict things, and we listen to/watch weather people to search for the answers that determine what we’ll wear that day. We know they can’t always predict what has probably been way to fucked up with human waste or other matter to predict, but still we listen in the hopes that we will not wear that warm, wool sweater on a hot, muggy day. Listen to this people: The weather will never go back to what it was, and what we have is all we can deal with NOW.

And I have a lot to deal with. And I am so fucking pumped and pschyed right now, that I don’t know what to do first, except type in this blog, which is probably the last thing I should be doing.

On more personal notes:

I still don’t know about MY fucking apartment. And I’m growing angry.

I’m going to New Mexico for New Years, thanks to the persistence of two amazing people. Then I am off to AVN. I actually went to this site first, because who(m)ever they are, they are damn clever people, and since I thought they were smart for buying the url avnexpo, I linked to them anyway.

At AVN, I am staying with a friend. Someone I met years ago in other parts of the same life, which is actually a great way to describe our relationship. Mysterious, yes, but I am such a drama queen really, and mystery is part of drama..at least in my book.

That..and I’m doing something I’ve wanted to do for a while, which is - start some big thing(s). I can’t say more because I’m superstitious like that, but trust me on this one. Please.

Oh, and if you like penis, check this out.

And thank you.

That’s about all I can say for myself today. Doing plenty of multi-tasking but I feel as if I’m a hamster on a treadmill trying to catch the cheese. Or in the case of what we fed my hamsters, macaroni and cheese, or something like that.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I remember when one of my hamster’s ran away, I was devastated. We, meaning my family, had to go to my cousin’s bar/bat mitzvah, and I didn’t want to leave the hamster alone on the loose. My parents probably thought she was lost forever, but I wouldn’t let her be. So we put bowls of some sort of human food all over the house, both upstairs and downstairs, and when we came home we found whichever one of my 8 teddy bear hamsters it was at the time, sitting on top of the bowl, munching away at the food.

And now I have to go take an important call. See, I’m not unproductive, just scattered.