June 22, 2021

The Jealous One

Does this look like the face of jealousy?

I'm writing a column on jealousy to deal with some emotional baggage I've yet to get over. It's strange, I can say that I don't remember being a jealous person, which of course doesn't mean I've never gotten jealous, but I don't really rememeber experiencing jealousy in terms of being in a relationship. I think it's because I've always been in unhealthy or undefined relationships, the kind where we'd fight, or we couldn't commit, or it just didn't matter, and I've always known that this was part of my learning process, my training, and that it wasn't going to be the relationship I'd want for a mighty long time. And then, one day I found myself in that relationship (the one I'd want, just to clarify).

And all of a sudden I've become the person I promised I'd never be. At times I'm the kind of girlfriend who I used to look at as pathetic. The kind who doesn't trust her boyfriend, which actually isn't the case, I trust him whole heartedly, but for some reason I don't trust other women around him (mostly women I don't know) and because I see him as a totally open hearted and generous, not to mention really handsome, kind of guy, I'm jealous of the fact that I may find him in a compromising position with someone he likes better than me.

Okay, now before I sound even more childlish than I must already sound, I will also say that it's okay if he finds someone he wants more, I mean, it would mean the end of the relationship, but we are, after all, only human, and regardless of if we are in this relationship or not, I can't stop him from having human emotions and feelings. I'm still not convinced that monogamy works, so if we talk about expanding our horizons within the relationship, how can I continue to get jealous?

I think it's my own esteem issues really.

Okay, I know what it stems from. It stems from me not being able to get over how things started between us. From a time and place when he never thought it would get this far. And he said a lot of things that implied it would never get this far. And we've had a more difficult time than either of us has ever had connecting physically, although I'm happy to report that as our trust has built, the sex has become so much more than I ever thought it could be. And as our trust has built, I continuilly come around and knock over all the building blocks, which of course, and logically, forces us to rebuild again. And rebuilding isn't any fun, and it isn't worthwhile, or even fulfilling, so what's up with me?

I think just writing about it makes me understand things better. And spilling my guts, figuratively as opposed to literally since it would be kind of gross to be sitting at this coffee shop with blood and guts oozing out all over the place, makes me see things with with a bit more clarity, and less of the jealousy haze that I've recently been experiencing. And sometimes I hate myself for feeling this way in this relationship, especially when I meet such cool people, like Lex and Les of Nakedloftparty who obviously love each other, and still know how to share.

And then I think, will I ever be that enlightened? Am I all talk? And I know that I'm the only one who can decide what I am. So, I'm getting ready to take a blunt object and stab the green-eyed monster right where it hurts. Because this other shit hurts me, and him, and our relationship too much. And I'm not going to destroy a good thing. At least not now.

Posted by jamye at June 22, 2021 07:08 PM