December 27, 2021

Back in Black (well, at least attitudinally)

I don't know if it's the fact that I feel like everybody else who's off this week is actually getting paid to be off this week, or that I'm supposed to be getting my period, or that I'd been surrounded by this overly gregarious, Xmas-r-us type family for the past five days, but something about being back in New York makes me feel sad, lonely and utterly unproductive. Well, not unproductive in the sense of just lying in bed, as I've been out and about all day, but unproductive in the sense of having to get all this work done, meaning school work and a column, and I'm not at all in the mood to do any of it.

I've been reading Middlesex and realizing how simply fair my writing is. It's not good, bad or ugly, it's just mediocre at best, or even if it's better than some, it's still never going to be as good as others. I didn't write and research a book for nine years before it got published. I won't ever write a book that will eventually win the Pulitzer Prize, and I didn't write a book that has lots of facts that make the fiction seem less fake, or one that uses beautiful words with humor and sadness (and yes, all of this has to do with Middlesex). In fact, I realize I didn't even write a book, or attempt to write a book yet (that's New Years Resolution #2, after NYR #1, but I don't want to share that until I can admit that I've followed through with it). And I know bad writers have written books, and that I can do it, and not care about how I write, but once in a while I want to be an incredible, poetic and passionate person. That's one of the things I really want to do, and I can't motivate to get it done right now. And now in less than three days, a last minute idea has come to fruition and a friend that I haven't seen in over 18 months will be gracing me with her presence, and while I know we'll motivate each other, I also know that this means I won't really motivate to get things done for another few weeks. But I'm not complaining because I am so totally stoked to see her, even though after rereading this it sounds like I am.

I mean that's not so bad, right?

I think one of the things that I'm sad about now is that for the last few days I was part of this family, and it felt really nice to be part of a family that I wasn't born into. Not because I don't love my family, although if you've ever seen us in action you know that at times it's debatable, but it's just that this was the first time in a long while that I've been asked into a family, been brought in to a family because another member of the bloodline wanted me to be there. I think that this past week brought me closer to Jonny, a lot closer than I expected it to bring us. We didn't argue much, not until the last day at the airport, but that's another story entirely, and one I'm not ready to share, and even then we weren't arguing about petty grievances (well, he may disagree, but I don't think so), and I didn't get sick of him, or need much alone time, like I had (not the sick of him part, the alone time part) in Philadelphia. And I had been sort of grumpy before I left, and then, being there, I wasn't grumpy at all. His mother talked a lot, and I actually stayed quiet a lot more than I usually do, but there was no amount of talking that got us in trouble with each other. And that was nice. And it was nice not to have to worry much about money, or loud noises, cell phones or email (I had no reception and no Internet) or not sleeping in the same bed together. Because as the 12 months of our relationship turn to 13, I'm getting antsy about that part. But that's also another story for another time. And yes, that's one I'm willing to tell again and again.

But for now, I'm still not in the mood to talk much. I'm hoping I'll wake up in the mood tomorrow, because there are a lot of people I've been meaning to call, and just haven't because of this not wanting to talk thing. And I have other things to do, like more writing, and a New Years to plan, and a friend coming to visit.

And these are things to look forward to. And I know this. And I know I am the master of my domain, it's just that sometimes I let the hormones take over the house.

Posted by jamye at December 27, 2021 03:11 PM