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In other news, I didn't divorce my "the-rapist," last night because he actually gave me some insightful information about my life. And now I have this question burning a hole in my cerebellum, but it's a question that makes all the other shit make sense.
That question:
Why do I need validation in order to be happy?
Tonight I'm going to hang out with this group we've dubbed The Goddess Group, and we're going to do a burning ritual, and tonight I'm going to burn the need for validation (or at least the words) so that maybe I can learn to work through the need to be validated in order to not create drama in my relationships. The therapist says it stems back to childhood, consciously or subconsciously, that there was some lack of validation that I got from my parents. The only thing I can think of is that they didn't validate my acting career, or the acting career I thought I deserved and the one that would get me at least one Academy Award. My parents let me take acting classes at a dinky little studio called Catch a Rising Star in Syosset, New York, but then when I wanted to be a full-fledged rising star, they didn't want to go along with my plan. But to take out this lack of validation about an acting career, that looking back now, was definitely not the career I was destined to have, sounds silly, but it makes a bit of sense. And I'm sure that there are other things I'll discover too. But I wanted to act, and I wasn't validated, so now I search for validation in places that I already know I have validation but still I want to struggle.
Deep breathe...
Like in my relationship. Which is why when I want to see him (the boyfriend), I still wait for him to say that he wants to see me. And I know all about these games and if someone else were playing them I'd be pissed off that they were playing them and tell them to grow up and communicate, but because it's me, I just yell at myself in my head and ask why I'm so stupid?! and why I have to play games?! and why I can't just say "Jonny, I want to see you more, or I want to spend the night tonight," and instead I sulk and get angry. And then I get frustrated that I haven't gotten over all of my issues just yet.
But now that I know a little bit more about myself, I'm going to go back in two weeks to talk to him some more. In some strange and explainiable, but I'm not in the mood to explain it way, I think that I met my therapist because he needed me too (his wife died this past summer) and we're both helping each other move through life, and sometimes I think, I shouldn't pay him because I listen to him too, but I don't say that part out loud.
Overall it was one fantastic night. I went to a party at Nerve, literally at their offices, thanks to a friend with a lot of connections who told me about the darn thing, and I felt loved. By a lot of people. A lot. And that's just what I needed to end the already pretty perfect evening.
It's like I took back the night. Only without a big woman's march. And I continue to move forward.
Posted by jamye at December 1, 2021 04:17 PM