October 06, 2021
Why we do the things we do
Contemplation.
I've been going to a therapist for the past few weeks, something that I thought I'd been needing to do for the past few years. I really like the man, he's a very smart, open and interesting therapist, and he's definitely made me see certain things in a different light. But the truth is, sometimes I'm not sure how much therapy will help me. See, I already know some of the patterns and habits that I might have to break in order to be the person I want to become. I know where I have inherited these patterns, and why certain things and people in my life have helped me to grow into both a good and a not so good person. A lot of people never make it that far.
At the end of my "session" yesterday, I told the therapist about the fact that my ex wrote me back after writing some not so nice things about him a few days back on this blog. He asked me why I had written anything in the first place and at first I couldn't give him an answer, I didn't really have a response. I mean, why does anybody write a personal blog anyway? He insisted that I was writing directly to my ex. Now, this is the danger about having a personal blog. For me, I just like to write about things that are really on my mind, and on that day, at that time, he was on my mind. So, I thought that posting something would be both entertaining for people who don't really give a shit about me, or the ones who do, or maybe not so entertaining, but still for some zany reason, I felt that I needed to just get it off my chest and get it out there once and for all. I didn't really think he checked my blog all that often, in fact, I secretly prayed that he didn't. But he did, or does, or used to, whatever the case may be, and now, once again, I started unnecessary trouble. "I don't know why I did it, or why I do half the things I do, but I just do," I finally told him.
My therapist then told me about a friend of his, his oldest friend, a guy that everybody always liked. One day he realized why he was so likeable. It was because he NEVER, EVER said a mean thing about anybody. And then I realized that I'm capable of saying a lot of mean things about a lot of nice and not so nice people. And that whenever I do say something mean, I sort of feel bad, because I'm not sure if there's any good in saying anything bad.
So now I'm going to try, once again, to not say negative things, even think negative thoughts - although that will still probably be virtually impossible. But there's no reason to say anything bad, and gossip and bad things just make me feel weak and tired - like I ate a big, greasy fast food meal right before I went to bed.
It's a yucky feeling. One I'm not proud of and one that I will try to remove from my life.
But it will be hard. After all, I'm only human.
Yes. human.
Speaking of human:
Don't forget to listen TOMORROW NIGHT to The Derek and Romaine show - I'll be Romaine's cohost and it's an all girl (except for the producer/engineer Dan) slumber party!!!! I smell trouble...