April 15, 2021


Some days I'm cranky for less than explainable reasons, and today is one of those days. In fact I'm so cranky that I don't even want to be around me, and if I could peel off my skin and run away I think I would. Every little annoying thing a person can do is pissing me off to a much larger degree than it should. It's probably not a good day to be social, in fact I'm totally into being anti-social today, but there's one glitch in my plans. Tonight I have to be social. Shit. It must be PMS.

Tonight I'm teaching a private workshop at a public location and I feel like it might be somewhat of a challenge. Here's the dileo...it's for a girl who was supposed to be getting married but isn't getting married anymore. I am not sure if this ending was her choice or his, well, I have an idea and I don't think it was her's, and so this is a how to please your man, please yourself, empowerement sort of workshop. It's going to require a lot of TLC, and I am trying to save up my energy for 17 women and one "in need of eXXXtra love" special girl.

Last night I had a really bad dream about the end of my relationship. Yes, I said relationship, because even though the boy I "date" is still my flova (friend + lova'), there is a lot of emotional involvement tangled up in it all. And last night I dreamt that me, him and L. my friend who will soon have two eyes of vision, were at a restaurant and I got bossy, he got up, walked out and never came back. Of course I ran out to find him and he was already with another woman, an ex actually, and he had no interest in hearing a word I had to say. I begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, to just give me one more chance, although desperation gets you nowhere, and he didn't want to talk at all. He kept telling me I'd be alright, something of course I knew, but didn't want to hear. The thing that scares me more than the thought of him rejecting me is that this whole scenario reminded me a lot of the interactions between me and my nine year relationship, yes I said nine years 1989-1998 (ages:15-24).

Not only did that relationship not end well, but it didn't really go all that well to begin with. My flova reminded me a lot of my ex. only in my dream, and I reminded me a lot of the girl that I was while I was dating my ex. They say that dreams bring up your insecurities, and shit, when it comes to relationships I have a lot of insecurities to iron out.

A lot of insecurities. Okay, lets change the subject. It's making me pissy and uncomfortable. I am so exhausted right now I could lay my head down on the cold, hard desk and happily pass out. Which I find mildly scary, being that last night I napped from 7:30-9PM (I had a yummy 10PM dinner with some amazing individuals) and then I slept at least 7 hours after that. So, why the F*** am I so tired?!

I'm running out of steam. Typing takes too much effort. It's a shame I have no computer at home anymore, cause I could continue this later, but yesterday I had to ship my thinkpad to some other state to get it fixed. I feel like I've lost my right hand, only I'd rather lose my computer than actually lose my right hand.

Okay...enough..like I said, everything I say today is pissing me off. Why am I such a crankypants sometimes?

Posted by jamye at April 15, 2021 12:51 PM