December 30, 2021

Droopy eyes

"Bad girls do it with everyone. Good girls do it with you." - anonymous, because I think he'd rather remain that way. I have no idea why I find this quote so amusing, maybe it's because I'm trying to get my mind off other things...


Staring at myself in the mirror yesterday, 2:45PM, I need to get to work. I'm applying a dollup of makeup, and I notice...

my left eye is totally fucked up and looks completely different than my right eye. I can't stop staring at myself. It's not because I hurt my eye, or it's irrititated, or anything like that, my left eye just looks wacky. It doesn't open as much as my right eye. I know no one is completely symmetrical, but still, there is a big difference between my two eyes. My left eyelid droops much lower than my right. It almost looks as if I have a lazy eye. Maybe I need a stronger contact lens prescription in ol' lefty, then perhaps she'll find the strength to rebuild, only I'm not so sure she will ever look the same again.

I can't stop staring. I have to go to work, but I've become obsessed with the difference in my eyes. It's a much bigger difference than I've ever noticed before. I look at myself from the left, then from the right. If I'm ever photographed from the left I look sort of like Sloth from the Goonies. Actually more than sort of. Which makes me sad and scared, because, it's like I've always known something. I am one of those people who has spoken of Sloth on more than one occasion, and I've also thought about him and Eric Stoltz (Rocky Dennis in the movie Mask), more than most people will ever think about slightly deformed people in their lifetime. I'm now beginning to think that I subconsciously knew that I was different. That I knew that I too was slightly deformed, and that I could be related to either of them. Okay, I would more likely be the sister of Sloth than Rocky. I think I just loved the movie Mask and the boy with the monster face and golden heart. I really do look like Sloth now, with my droopy eye and awkward symmetry. I'd like to think I'm not vain, but I've realized, I am.

As I type, my left eye feels funny. It feels strained. Stressed, as if it knows that it's the ugly stepchild to the right one. It's like it knows that I'm talking about it, and that I find it disappointing. The right side of my face is so much prettier than the left. Besides this horribly flappy eye, I also have a capillary that I popped back in 1998 because I thought it was a zit, and now it won't go away. Yes, that should be a lesson to stop popping zits, but that's one lesson I may never learn. I like the buildup and release that comes with a good pimple explosion. I'm more careful now, because I don't want any more popped capillaries. I was walking down the streets of New York a few years back when some guy came up to me on the street. Before I go on: I swear this is a true story. As I walked by he said "You're really pretty. Except for that zit on your cheek. Pop that shit girl." I started to tear. He wasn't talking about a zit, he was talking about my capillary, the bain of my facial existence until I noticed my left eyelid last night. Now I have one more thing to hate on my face. Okay, not hate, but just wish it were different. Will my left eyelid only continue to droop as I get older? This is what I fear. Like I said, I'm vain.

I'm leaving New York in less than 12 hours. For 12 days. By the time I get back, maybe I'll be like, left eye, what are you talking about?
Yeah, right.

Posted by jamye at December 30, 2021 11:21 AM