October 17, 2021


I have icky feelings in the big toe on my left foot and I have a bad feeling it's because I felt pain during a pedicure. Back in September, which is a long time ago, and still now my toe feels so funny. Tingle funny not good funny or funny ha-ha. The other day I was in the shower, and I went to touch my toes, only when I went to touch the big toe, and it felt tingly, I got nauseous and almost puked. I have a real weird connection with my biological body, not my body image, but what's actually flowing inside of me. Thinking about this makes me nauseous as now I must take a break from writing to regain my composure...

....(20 minutes later) I'm back.

So this feeling made me sick and sad and scared and I realized that my toe was probably permanently at least a little fucked up, and there wasn't much I could do to control that. That's some scary shit.

I'm cursing a lot today. Get over it.

I have this feeling that today is going to be anything but ordinary. My friend Abby and I are going to do this thing she set up. I'm just going to watch, support and write about it, but it's definitely going to be interesting. I have no idea how I will feel about this, as I've never seen anything like this before. So I'm excited and nervous and feeling worn out from a crazy week of...

Other feelings. The kind you don't write about because you don't know exactly what they are, but they're scary. I can't explain it without really explaining it, unless of course you get it, but not really. I'm going to write about it in this week's Steppin' Out. Note to my parents or any relatives who may or may not read this blog You might want to think before you decide to read this, or any of my writing for that matter...

I'm feeling elated. I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling excited and nervous and less hungry than I used to. I'm feeling exhilerated and lucky and scared because I know that I have no control over what happens next, just like I have no control over my toe. I'm feeling sad about things happening around me, and I'm feeling anxious and motivated and apprehensive and rushed. I'm feeling a lot more than this at other times too. This is just how I'm feeling right now, cause feelings change all the time.

Posted by jamye at October 17, 2021 11:56 AM