April 20, 2021
It's Been Way too Long...
(long..get it?)
...for a lot of things.
I haven't written in days, and that makes me angry because I am trying to discipline myself to write more. WRITE MORE I yell at me. Damn you Jamye, why aren't you listening?
Okay, sorry, I'm a bit edgy. I haven't had sex in a long time either, at least not in a long time for me. It's been months of not only a lack of involvement, but of the complete black hole of emotionally unavailability and self-reflection.
Sex is my life in a lot of ways, but partner sex, the act, isn't a huge part of that life. When you talk, write and read about sex all the time, it tends to make you a tad more curious, and for a lot of the people this leads to openly exploring the sexual act. While I love to surround myself with the curious, I don't usually act like they do. I am a voyeur, in the truest sense of the word, and I love to feel the energy of watching people connect for a ravenous feast of the body.
I masturbate a lot, so it's not like I don't have sex, but I don't have sex in public, like so many other people I know in this industry. Maybe my body image issues get in the way. I know I think too much. My brain is in overdrive in any 'beyond typical' situation, and when I play back the scene over and over in my head, I wonder how I stayed so uninvolved in a place where body parts where twisted together (I am reflecting on a party from this past week).
Some people may call me a tease, and I'm not sure I can disagree. I do tease boys and girls, because I love the act of flirting. But I'm only going to act on it if I really like you. I'm talking not only like you physically but more important, mentally. Otherwise, it isn't worth it. Because there is such a thing as bad sex, and it's worse than no sex at all.
Or is it?