I came across TSX Toys today, and I don’t think these are either humanly or humanely possible but still I can’t get over some of the crazy sex toys these mofo’s put out. Then I thought what a great way to almost start the new year - by filling your heads with a whole host of impossible things made possible by some people with an odd penis (and fist) obsession. I think this stuff borders on art, really, I do, especially after seeing a yogurt lid stapled to the wall at MOMA the other week.

But why don’t you be the judge of that?

Up first…The concubine master takes the pearl necklace and mixes it with vagina and a battery operated vibe. I’d love to see pics of their model for this one. Do you think the ad read, looking for a woman without a torso. Seriously, bordering on more than the bizarre, but that’s why I love this (and yes, I know no real model was used to make this exact replica), or maybe I don’t know..hmm..

Batting second… I’ve heard of a triple header (in baseball, that’s why I use the batting reference, get it?) but this triple head, also known as “three bangs for your butt,” takes peni to a whole new level. Anyway you stack it, actually this is the only way you can stack it, there’s a whole lot of head here.

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I work in adult sometimes, well peripherally at this point is seems, although I do have a great 101 Positions for Lovers DVD out RIGHT NOW and you can’t find it online yet but you will soon, and if you want to buy a copy off of me, it really is fun, email me at hottwax at gmail dot com. One note though, I don’t love the box cover which is why I haven’t posted a pic of it online yet, but now that I’ve said that, I will post one soon, and it’s not offensive, just not as awesome as the movie is, so just know the cover doesn’t do the movie justice, really, it’s such a loving, loveable film and it only stars real couples, REAL couples!!! and me ..Phew. Digression done.

Anyway, I work in adult because I believe that if you want to make something better, you have to take action. And while I like what some people in this industry have done, and are doing, I find satisfaction in being part of the solution as well. Still, I often come across things like the other day for example, at my friend Abby‘s house, I came across a title that was something like “Help! His Big Black Dick Accidentally Fell in My Ass!” and it’s coming across these things that makes me want to scream. Racial stereotypes are prevalent in the porn industry (something I don’t appreciate) and I detest when on a box cover it says so and so’s first interracial or anal scene. I mean, after a while if an actor or actress stays in the industry, they’re bound to have a few firsts.

So today, while reading a certain trade publication, I came across some ads that made me say OUT LOUD, AT HOME and ALONE “Really? Is this a good idea? Good advertising? Really?” I know the answers to my questions - although there is something I find really hot about the top ad - but I decided to take photos of three of these ads, so we could all laugh together. Because if we don’t laugh, I may cry.

We’re in the double digits, hells yeah! Last week (or sometimes even two weeks ago) saw a running list of the best/worst boyfriends/husbands of 2009, condom mayhem and the end of a Hollywood romance.

• John Gray says something like “maybe Tiger cheated because his wife wasn’t having enough orgasms.” (momlogic)
• Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins call it quits. Will their on screen chemistry survive? (WSJ)
• Judge poo poos request for mandatory condom use in porn. (LATimes)
• The Frisky’s 10 Worst Boyfriends/Husbands of 2009. The list includes more than a few politicians, a musician, actor, a reality star, golfer, football player and some dude named Liam. (TheFrisky)
• With the bad comes the good, so here are the Frisky’s 10 Best Boyfriends/Husbands of 2009 too. (Sure some of them may cheat, but they hide it well). (TheFrisky)
• “Netflix Spilled Your Brokeback Mountain Secret.” An Ohio woman claims Netflix is forcing her out of the closet. (Wired)
• Dolce and Gabbana needs to feed their models more than tongue. (Adsoftheworld)

A little light reading (in the form of charts and maps) for this laid back holiday weekend. In case you didn’t know what to do this Saturday or Sunday, it’s good to know that loads of “other” people are downloading porn! See, it says so right here.

And thanks to Mr. Sexsmith for linking to this handy map of states that allow gay marriage vs. states in which first cousins can legally. Fascinatingly disturbing.

Sitting on top of some rocks, with the sun in my eyes, on a warm (and obviously sunny) day in San Francisco, I decided to record this:

Bananas, just for eating? No way! And after watching a video on how to open a banana like a monkey, I was like, “oh yeah, bananas” which got me thinking about hand jobs.

Yeah, hand jobs and bananas don’t necessarily go hand-n-dick, but they can. Especially if you want to be all environmental and stuff, and want to find a way to use all of your banana. Do you peel me, I mean feel me?  Why not try using a banana peel to masturbate a penis, whether you peel it from the stem or the tip?

There’s a great scene in Weeds about using a banana peel and other stroking essentials:

In order to use the banana peel as a sex toy, make sure it’s still closed on one end. You may want to heat it in the microwave for 5-10 seconds and then slip the peel over a penis and stroke it like he chokes it. Then he can come in the peel and toss it in the compost or garbage. Easy come, easy go.

Of course, there’s always masturbation sleeves, and these are some of my favorites:

The Maverick

The Tenga Egg (Seriously, a must have!)

The Tenga Flip

I seem to have a panty fetish. First the reindeer thong for his schlong, and now these. I have never touched the PantyO; never felt its spandex on my thighs, butt cheeks or vulva, and I stumbled upon it via a facebook friend request. For those who need a serious kick in the kegels (serious but not literal), tell me what you think of the PantyO.

Here’s my two cents. I am all for doing kegel exercises and I’m happy to encourage men and women to do them often and always, but do you need to spend $125 to remember to do them?

Besides, how do you wash these and if you should do your exercises every day, or other day, doesn’t one pair of panties seem like it will never be enough?

I’m fascinated by this idea or I wouldn’t be devoting my last minute gift “say what?” to such an expensive undergarment, and I get it. At least what it is and why you want to wear them, but I don’t get why it costs $125 or the exact shape, size and placement of said crystal. I see it in the picture above, but huh? There’s a tight spandex pair of panties (available only in a fine checkered print) and a Swarovski Crystal kegel extension (only the best crystal for your coochie) and I understand that the crystal, which is sewn into the spandex, is inserted vaginally while a woman wears her pantyo’s to do the dishes, go shopping, take a hike.

It’s like pantyhose, only different..

I love the concept. the concept, yes, the concept, but…uhm, huh?

Yeah.

• Oklahoma, has the wind really come crashing on the plains? What/Who makes Senator Todd Lamb  the authority when it comes to your rights, calling an abortion roster “a useful tool in helping prevent future unwanted pregnancies?” (Salon)
• Why women don’t have sex scandals. (The Daily Beast)
• 101 reasons why men do. Hint: 80 something of them start with “P” and ends with “is.” (SFGate)
• Orgasmic Birth. New World Sex Educator Jaiya releases a video and you can watch part of it here. (Examiner.com)
• The Free Speech Coalition calls for porn safety plan involving latex (or polyurethane) for all. (Xbiz)
• so today .09: Tila Tequila pregnant and it’s her brother’s baby. (NYDailyNews)

If the title doesn’t make sense to you, fine.

I’m tired. The party I mention in the video (see above) was nothing like I’ve ever been to before. An adult prom, only instead of going to school together, it’s called work. Balloons dropped, t-shirts were thrown “but only to the screamers” as were tiaras, tambourines, air guitars and glowy balls, swords and sticks.

Now, about the “men.” I think what my newfound friend meant was that there would be some young, horny boys that I would never be interested in, but maybe I’d do her a solid. No. No one I even wanted to kiss. But being there showed me that this SF trip is already perfect. There were reasons beyond men for me to come (as in come, not cum). Reasons I’m too sleepy to share.

Sundays = time for comics, so here are two more pages of Noah F.’s jamye’s never wrong from back in the day where really, I may never have been wrong . Looking back - who the f*%! was Steven - and John, the board op, did you have to put up with too much? In the end, I think I know the answers to both questions…

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