Happy its-so-close-I-can-smell-it new year! I’ve decided to do what most predictable people will do over the next few days and cast some of my own predictions for the new year.

Enjoy.

I do believe that we’ll see a rise in the amount of children who are having children this next year, especially since Jamie Lynn Spears and the movie Juno have made it not only acceptable, but, like fighting-against- global-warming, it’s become trendy and cool. Next year we’ll see lots of high-schoolers doing the Jamie-Lynn. Maybe there will even be a surge in babies named Jamie, although I sort of hope not, because that may devalue my name even more. That also leads to another prediction. That sex education will pick up in liberal high schools across the country, because, well, they have to deal with this teen-pregnancy-is-cool-but-really- it’s-not-cool issue. So now, high schoolers will learn that condoms can protect people from pregnancy and other STI’s and hopefully be encouraged to use them when they decide to stop abstaining from sex. Meanwhile religious institutions and conservatives will continue to cover their eyes and remain totally unphased by all the statistics that show unmarried people do have sex. Since they can’t hear what we say when they stick their fingers in their ears, and scream “I’m not listening,” the religious right will continue to preach “no sex until marriage” and then, when nobody is supposedly looking, they’ll be taking it up the ass with people who aren’t their own husbands or wives (or G-d, depending on the vow they took).

In an effort to go even more mainstream, porn stars will start to promote products like the Venus razor. The razor’s new ad campaign will include, “for up-close shaves, even in the stickiest of situations.” And in following Mary Carey, and her recent fake breast auction, more porn stars will be selling their own silicone. Hopefully some caring pet owner will replace his former pet’s balls with these implants, foregoing the urge to try neuticals.

Mike Huckabee, who believes that homosexuality is a choice, will leave his wife after falling victim to “the homosexual ways.” He and Ted Haggard will have a brief, and secret, fling and then he’ll go on to marry Ann Coulter. After his failed presidential bid - because please, we’re not that dumb of a country to actually vote him in office, are we? - he’ll realize that he needs a new image and he’ll claim that because of Ann Coulter, he is now a changed man. He and Coulter will go on to hate the world together and they will raise horses on a horse farm in the middle of Iowa.

Meanwhile somewhere else, someone will have sex with a robot and publish a tell-all memoir on their new life and love. It will be called Vicki: No Small Wonder and it will be really weird to read.

I still can’t grasp my head around this thing called the neutical. It’s for pet owners who feel guilty about removing their pet’s balls. Basically, when the pet gets neutered, the balls are removed and replaced with neuticals instead. And this feels weird to me. Apparently neuticals were made to feel like the real thing, like real animal balls. It feels strange to think about the creator of neuticals sitting around his house playing with animal balls. There he is, testing the firmness of each different variety of ball. Cats are small, horses..big and dogs, well, dogs are somewhere in the middle. That thought process seems strange to me. And although it’s not considered bestiality, it is weird to hear that a man is touching animal balls so he can create the perfect fake balls for all the pets in the world. Hmm..

I love balls, human ones that is, and I’m sure it would be strange to not feel the slap of HUMAN balls against my body during sex. I’m sure it would be strange not to cup them when I’m going down on a guy. But this is a pet we’re talking about, not a human. And I’m just not into pet sex. Although I do kiss my cat on the lips sometimes (I know it’s gross, but my cat’s like my baby.)

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More good news that sex education works! Not abstinence only education, but real, live sex education can indeed stop teenagers dead in their tracks. Sex rocks! Sex rules! But first you should know what you’re doing before you do something that gives you some sumptin’, sumptin’ (like an STI or a baby). Cause that sumptin’ is some thing you may regret for the rest of your life.

Here are three recent findings from a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health:

Males who received sex education didn’t have as much sexual intercourse as those who had no sex ed.

Approximately 71% of boys and 59% of girls who were taught about the birds and the bees postponed sexual intercourse longer, until at least age 15.

Males who were taught about contraception were 2.77 more likely to use birth control the first time they did it.

Sure, it’s statistics, and it’s not perfect, but it’s better to put these type of statistics in the bag, then not to bag it at all. And one of my favorite bags is Crown.

Fine. Not everybody gets off from work today, but more people probably get off today than any other day of the year. So, in order to best celebrate Christmas, may I suggest the following:

Fuck a fat, jolly man. Ride a reindeer like they’ve never been rode before.
Light up more than the tree - (uhm, in case that didn’t translate, it means get lit.) Eat an E.L. Fudge cookie (“e” as in everybody, “l” as in love and “f” as in fudge) and then tell all your friends you once ate out an elf. Spike the egg nog with acid.

It’s Christmas, and whatever you do, even if it’s eat Chinese Food and take thee to Atonement (or any other movie)… enjoy getting off - and yes, I meant that in the most hands-on sort of way!

I’m a Jew, so why do I care about Christmas? And the eve before the eve of it all? Truth is, I don’t. I mean I care, but not about Christmas. I care about the Christmas spirit. The giving and loving and full-feeling that comes with the all-around jolliness (and food) of the time. There’s just something magical about believing. Whether it be believing in a world where there exists a fat, jolly old man with eight reindeer that pull him around (is that slave labor?) or in a world that is full of love and wonder (you have to believe before it is real, right?) it feels good to believe in something. I still believe that they will bring back Galaxy High. It was a really great cartoon.

So, here are some lines o’ lyrics that make me think about current events, love and even war. Think of it as food for thought on eve of the eve before Christmas. Food for thought before the big chow down. Lessons from Whitney, George, Axl and Brett.

1. The children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Hmm..with the recent news that Jamie Lynn Spears is going to have a baby at 16, I wonder what the future of our future looks like? Young mothers who think there’s nothing cooler than having a baby might soon realize you can’t return them after ninety days. Perhaps this is a trend, and young, dumb (and not in an intelligence measuring way) and pregnant will be the wave of the future. And since these YDP girls want to start the future now, they’ll keep popping out babies to keep the future growing strong. I mean, having a baby at 16 isn’t only about having a child, which by the way is harder to care for then a cabbage patch kid, it’s also about having a new best friend. And for some teenagers, isn’t that what life’s about? Best friends forever?

So, when do we stop teaching abstinence only in all 50 states?

2. Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should. Especially those repressed right wing, closeted folk named Ted and Larry. Just get on with your life, admit who you are and embrace the cock.

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I’m the guest blogger today on the Seal Press blog. You can click here to read my latest insights on masturbation (of course)! After writing this, I’m ready to start a new holiday, it’s called “ME FIRST” day.

And since I’m on a “me first” kick, come see me this Sunday, December 23rd or Thursday December 27th, in Williamsburg. I’ll be performing Personal Touch: Sex School at monkey town. You can make reservations here.

You can buy the videos here.

Not sure what to get someone this holiday season?

Listen to my sex toy podcast with the guru of expanded lovemaking Patti Taylor and you’ll figure something out. (This is her podcast btw, not mine - I’m just the guest).

I was recently invited on a radio talk show out of Philadelphia to discuss what is, and isn’t, sex. Seems that kids these days define sex as some things but not others. According to many a high schooler, anal sex is not sex. Oral sex - not sex. Vaginal sex, well, okay, you got them there. So, me and Dr. Mazz (as he likes to be called), had this shortish conversation about the topic. About what the definition of sex is. Here are my thoughts. If you want to listen to my less thought out thoughts, here is the page where you can listen to, or download, the podcast.

Sex is a sticky subject especially when it comes to defining it - no pun intended - well, maybe a little pun was actually intended. I mean for some people the act of kissing might be defined as sex. For others touching or using one’s mouth on another’s toes might be considered sex. Basically sex is whatever one believes it to be, well, to a certain extent. If your child runs home tomorrow and tells you that he’s had sex because he’s held hands with someone else while waiting on line for his hot lunch in the school cafeteria, you might want to correct him. If for no other reason, do it for the sake of not letting him grow up to be made fun of every time he thinks he’s had sex by holding someone’s hand. For me, sex involves penetration. It involves touching some part of the body that isn’t exposed to all people at all times. That means you have to get under something, like under pants, in order to completely have what I define as sex.

So how do I define sex? Sex is actually inserting something inside of your genitals, or actually inserting your genitals inside of something. This does include your anus (not to be confused with Uranus) and your mouth. And yes, you can have sex with an inanimate object, like a cherry pie or a banana, as long as you insert yourself in it or insert it in you.  And, yes, you can also have sex with someone by putting your mouth on her clit. It may not be vaginal-penile sex, but it is sex.

One other bit of old-fashioned advice. If you’re not sure if you’re about to have sex with somebody, you should ask them before you suck them off. You should ask them before you insert yourself in their back door, front door or anywhere in between. Just ask them, is this sex? That is if you’re wondering if it is indeed sex.  And you should tell them if you consider what you’re doing sex too. Even say “I’m going to have sex with you now” to be sure. Perhaps it’s because lots of youngins don’t learn about sex at school (you mean abstinence isn’t sex?) that they’re not sure what it is. Maybe it’s about time we do something to change that.

What would you do with Mary Carey’s breast implants if you won them on eBay? Here are ten things I would probably never do (since I’d never own them) but I figured it would be a fun game to try to think of things to do with them if they became mine. The real question is why would you buy them in the first place? (Oh yeah, cause she’s selling them for charity, that’s why!)

10. Suck the silicone out of each implant, little by little, until its all gone and see if silicone has the same effect as helium when inhaled.

9. Use them as butt implants.

8. Freeze them and use them as ice packs for your cooler. Then show them off to friends/coworkers at the next football game or company picnic.

7. Learn to juggle.

6. Use them on airplanes in lieu of those disgusting pillows they give out for free.

5. Bronze them.

4. Have your son/daughter bring them to the “show and tell” at their school.

3. Resell them on eBay since after you purchased them you realized buying used breast implants, no matter who’s they were, was just a dumb waste of money.

2. Donate them to another charity auction.

1. Implant them back in you. Haven’t you always wanted a little bit of pornstar close to your heart?

I’m going to be on Playboy Radio’s Afternoon Advice Show. If you want to talk to me, here’s the number to call in: 1(877) 205.9796

It’s short notice, I know, but at least it’s not no notice.