Me and Jonny. Not right now. But not that long ago either.

I feel it’s my duty to blog, but only for a moment. For if I spend more than a moment blogging right now, I feel as if I’m taking myself away from the things that might actually further my career.

These things include:

1. My first book. I’m writing it now.

2. My first “How to Video” Proposal. I’m writing it now. I hope it will be accepted and I will shoot it almost right now.

3. My first article for a major woman’s magazine. I’m writing it as soon as my editor gives me the go ahead. That could be almost right now, since right she’s probably sleeping right now.

4. Another book proposal. I’m going to start working on it in a few weeks. This is potentially for a book that makes me so happy to think about, I could pee my pants. Not that I can’t do that anyway. I mean it’s really easy to pee yourself, especially for me, especially when I laugh or sneeze too hard. That’s when it often just happens. Even though I practice my kegel exercises, sometimes I can’t help it. But sometimes I can. One day I think I’m going to wear Depends undergarments, just to see how long I can pee myself without leaking. But that’s not right now, that’s another day, when it’s not right now.

No monkeying around here (see the monkey in the background? It belongs to this dog.)

1. My interview is up at Eros Zine, and I love it!!! Thanks Abby.

2. Does it take balls to draw balls? There’s an artist named Belle Wether (who wants to bet me that that’s not her real name) who’s taken the term “big balls” to a whole new level. I mean a larger universe of sorts. Whoever thought testicular art could be so, well..hmm..how do I describe (NSFW) this… I kind of look at it like I looked at the Jim Rose Circus. In complete amazement and wonder, yet a bit turned off and disgusted, on the verge of puking at times. Personally, I love balls but I don’t think I need to see them up close like this. Especially the saggy ones. Reminds me of a time when I used to get hit with a nut sac. Not because I was a bad girl or anything, just because his nut sac happened to hang that low. I don’t think I need to be reminded about it again. At least not at this magnitude. So big, and so well done, and still at times, so ugly. But such is art.

3. There’s a website for kinky Jews in New York. You don’t have to be a Jew to join, but I guess it’s suggested. As are lots of other kinky things…But what exactly is kinky these days anyway?

4. Men who go to a workshop on pleasing their woman are often already very knowledgeable in the art of getting her off. They just like to check in every once in a while and some of them say that women don’t communicate like guys do. This is true (generally) but I’m not sure why. For some reason, it’s much easier for a guy to say what he wants than it is for a woman, and I have my ideas about it, but I guess it could be anything. I definitely think that since our genitals are more internal, so are we. Needless to say, men who attend workshops are often already better lovers then men who don’t.

5. ID’s Pleasure Lube contains the amino acid L-Arginine, which is supposed to enhance things sexually. In this case, it supposedly promotes additional blood flow to the regions it

I’ve always been amused when a heterosexual man brags to me, or at least is extremely proud of the fact, that none of the women he’s been with has ever faked an orgasm. I secretly smile when thinking about the fact that he thinks that in all the times he’s had sex, each woman has been completely satisfied, orgasmic and honest with him. That he thinks of himself as one of the most talented and sexually gifted men in the world to have that special ability to know how to please each and every woman, every time he penetrates her.

And that’s when I usually say:

FACT: Approximately 30% of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. The other 70% need some other sort of stimulation as well.

For a moment he, of course, thinks that what I’m saying is a load of bull doody, and that even if I spoke the truth, he’s happened to beat the odds. But he’s more (obviously) sensitive about his abilities to get her off, then admit that she’s probably faked it. At least once. Somewhere down the road. And maybe it was with him.

Of course men can fake it too, although I think it’s a bit harder (no pun intended). I mean if he’s wearing a condom, he can do a couple of quick, hard thrusts, and then gently remove himself from the situation. There he quietly and discreetly slips the condom off of his partially erect penis, he wraps it in a tissue, and throws it in the garbage in the kitchen, making sure it’s packed deep down in the bin, so even if his partner decides to go sifting through the garbage, odds are it won’t be worth the discovery of what was really (not) there. But the fact that there’s often tangible, physical evidence when he comes makes it a bit riskier to fake it. But still, like I said, men do fake it. It’s just probably not as often as women do.

I don’t know what percentage of women fake it, or how often, but I do know the general reasons why we do it. It’s because we’re tired, sore or just not that in to it, and knowing that once we get off, you’ll be more turned on to get off, or just plain finish up already, makes us hurry up and (not really) come. And it’s much easier for us to fake it. I mean our orgasms are a series of contractions, you can’t always feel them. Of course a man’s contractions can be the same way too I suppose. And we don’t always, or often, depending on the woman, secrete something special when we’re finished.

Of course, as I type this, I’m sure my lovers, past and present, are sitting here going, “I know she never faked an orgasm with me,” because y’know the ego is a terrible thing to break.

And my answer to all those men:

FICTION: No, of course not.

I haven’t faked an orgasm with every guy, but I’ve faked an orgasm as least a few times. It’s not that the sex doesn’t feel good, it’s just that sometimes I have things to do or places to be. And for me, coming isn’t everything.

FACT: Men take approximately 2-5 minutes to orgasm from penetration. Women take approximately 20 minutes to achieve an orgasm through penetration.

But for a lot of people it’s all about the orgasm. So when someone fakes it, it’s a blow to their ego and their sexuality. But it shouldn’t be. I promise, this time, I’m not faking.

I’m teaching in New York tomorrow night, one class for women and one class for men. Interested in attending? Find out more at Moxie in the City.

Does this look like the face of jealousy?

I’m writing a column on jealousy to deal with some emotional baggage I’ve yet to get over. It’s strange, I can say that I don’t remember being a jealous person, which of course doesn’t mean I’ve never gotten jealous, but I don’t really rememeber experiencing jealousy in terms of being in a relationship. I think it’s because I’ve always been in unhealthy or undefined relationships, the kind where we’d fight, or we couldn’t commit, or it just didn’t matter, and I’ve always known that this was part of my learning process, my training, and that it wasn’t going to be the relationship I’d want for a mighty long time. And then, one day I found myself in that relationship (the one I’d want, just to clarify).

And all of a sudden I’ve become the person I promised I’d never be. At times I’m the kind of girlfriend who I used to look at as pathetic. The kind who doesn’t trust her boyfriend, which actually isn’t the case, I trust him whole heartedly, but for some reason I don’t trust other women around him (mostly women I don’t know) and because I see him as a totally open hearted and generous, not to mention really handsome, kind of guy, I’m jealous of the fact that I may find him in a compromising position with someone he likes better than me.

Okay, now before I sound even more childlish than I must already sound, I will also say that it’s okay if he finds someone he wants more, I mean, it would mean the end of the relationship, but we are, after all, only human, and regardless of if we are in this relationship or not, I can’t stop him from having human emotions and feelings. I’m still not convinced that monogamy works, so if we talk about expanding our horizons within the relationship, how can I continue to get jealous?

I think it’s my own esteem issues really.

Okay, I know what it stems from. It stems from me not being able to get over how things started between us. From a time and place when he never thought it would get this far. And he said a lot of things that implied it would never get this far. And we’ve had a more difficult time than either of us has ever had connecting physically, although I’m happy to report that as our trust has built, the sex has become so much more than I ever thought it could be. And as our trust has built, I continuilly come around and knock over all the building blocks, which of course, and logically, forces us to rebuild again. And rebuilding isn’t any fun, and it isn’t worthwhile, or even fulfilling, so what’s up with me?

I think just writing about it makes me understand things better. And spilling my guts, figuratively as opposed to literally since it would be kind of gross to be sitting at this coffee shop with blood and guts oozing out all over the place, makes me see things with with a bit more clarity, and less of the jealousy haze that I’ve recently been experiencing. And sometimes I hate myself for feeling this way in this relationship, especially when I meet such cool people, like Lex and Les of Nakedloftparty who obviously love each other, and still know how to share.

And then I think, will I ever be that enlightened? Am I all talk? And I know that I’m the only one who can decide what I am. So, I’m getting ready to take a blunt object and stab the green-eyed monster right where it hurts. Because this other shit hurts me, and him, and our relationship too much. And I’m not going to destroy a good thing. At least not now.

My advice for today. Don’t mess with the Hulk.

Enjoy. It’s the longest day of the year. And the first day of Summer. If I wasn’t off to Philly, I’d probably be doing some hippy dippy thing in some park somewhere…

In other news:
My next podcast is up here. Basically it’s a long ramble on marriage.

I’m teaching a class at Bourbon Blue on Rector St. in Philadelphia tonight. It’s for ladies only, so, if you’re a lady…lets talk about going from suck to blow together. Sign up here..It’s not too late.

If you happened to miss this small op-ed in the NY Times yesterday, I am going to paste it here. It was tucked away on a page that I often overlook. The title caught my attention. So highly fucked up and more than mildly disturbing.

June 18, 2021
Op-Ed Contributor
New York’s Crime Against Women
By SONIA OSSORIO

IN the fall of 1992, a woman was in her apartment on West 16th Street in New York City when her boyfriend walked in with a gun pointed at him. The gunman had pistol-whipped him in the vestibule and taken his keys.

Once in the apartment, he forced the woman to go around collecting money and jewelry. Forcing her boyfriend to watch, the gunman then raped her twice.

Today the Manhattan district attorney’s office knows the attacker’s identity. After the Manhattan assault, he raped a woman in Queens and was convicted of a felony. Because of that, his DNA was entered in the databank and a match was made to the Chelsea attack.

But the rapist is now out on the streets, having already served his jail time for the Queens conviction. He will never spend a day in prison for the brutal Chelsea attack.

Why? Because in New York, there is a statute of limitations on rape. If a rapist is not indicted within five years, he cannot be prosecuted, no matter how overwhelming the proof of guilt.

If you’re surprised to hear this, you’re not alone. Many people have no idea that there is a statute of limitations on rape in our state. New York’s time-limitation on rape prosecution is one of the shortest in the nation; only Florida, North Dakota and Utah have shorter time limits. Almost half of all states have eliminated any statute of limitations for rape in the first degree, or forcible rape or sex with a child 12 years old or younger or a person who is physically helpless. Nearly a dozen of these states have no statute of limitations for any rape.

The good news is that both the State Assembly and the Senate have passed legislation that would eliminate the five-year limit. The bad news is that now the details of the two bills need to be hashed out in conference.

Sheldon Silver, the Assembly speaker, wants to include a provision in the bill that would revoke not just the five-year limit on prosecution, but also the time restraint for civil lawsuits. The Senate, which tends to be averse to any extension of statute for tort claims, is unlikely to agree to that provision. And with Albany scheduled to recess this week, little time remains for them to act.

New Yorkers should be outraged by this inability to compromise. This is a calamity for the victims of the 350 rapists who have been identified by DNA but cannot be prosecuted because of the statute of limitations.

There’s no question that New York is lagging when it comes to recognizing the need for stronger rape laws. According to the United States Department of Justice, a woman is raped in the United States every 2.5 minutes. Changing this outdated law is a matter of public safety.

In New York State, rape is one of the few categories of crime that have not seen a significant drop. From 1994 to 2004, murder declined 56 percent and robbery dropped 61 percent, but rape decreased only 23 percent. And in some areas, rape is on the rise. For instance, the precinct covering the Lower East Side of Manhattan has seen a 40 percent increase in rapes from 2001 to 2005, according to the New York Police Department.

In New York, murder, first-degree arson, first-degree kidnapping and first- and second-degree drug sale and possession have no statute of limitations, so why does first-degree rape? Rape is certainly as serious a crime as arson and kidnapping and arguably more serious than selling or possessing drugs. Indeed, it is a crime that can permanently devastate the life of the victim.

Before the Senate and the Assembly adjourn on Thursday, they need to set aside their differences and come to an agreement. While being able to sue can help some rape survivors, civil lawsuits do not keep rapists off the streets.

The fight over civil lawsuits is not worth risking the death of this bill, which will make New York a safer place for women rather than the best place in the Northeast for sexual predators to call home. The idea of someone getting away with rape

Wrote this about me.

Now..onto other things..

I’m still not done checking emails from my trip to Missouri. It’s so strange how five days without the Internet can cost you more time in catch up than your actual vacation. And to make matters worse, I can’t put down the Da Vinci Code. Yes, I know, I’m like 3 years behind, but it didn’t interest me until I picked it up, and that was only on Saturday. And now, like I said, I’m addicted, and 150 pages from finished.

And tomorrow night I’m teaching a class. Read all about it here.

Now I have to get back to here. (Just checking if you’re clicking on the links).

Yes. I just got back. Had to post this. I’m so excited, and I’m so much more than just a writer for one magazine. Wouldn’t you agree?

NEW YORK, NY - June 13th, 2006 - On Saturday, June 17th, at 12:30 PM Eve Ensler will introduce the Women and Media Responsibility Panel as part of a 3-day event in connection with her V-Day festival, UNTIL THE VIOLENCE STOPS. The panel will discuss important issues impacting women in filmmaking such as whether women working in media are mandated to tell certain stories, or whether art should really be just about art. Panel participants include Academy Award Winning actress Kathy Bates, Monster

Me. In Tulum, Mexico. Last week. Can you spot the iguanas? (hint: there are two, and one is leaving the picture)

In keeping you updated on my friends, I insist you check out this new site for the fabulous Kate Bornstein, and her incredibly important new book Hello Cruel World.

Also, if you’ve ever wanted to do “porn,” and I’m talking about breakthrough bisexual porn, you should check out this casting call, and then contact Audacia Ray through her website here:

I am still casting performers for the movie. A clean AIM test is required, condoms will be used, and I am (rather unfortunately) not able to cast an excessively “alternative” looking people - no funny hair, loads of tattoos or genderqueerness. I am casting for the following roles:

Lead girl: I need a woman with some acting ability who can play a researcher who is slowly discovering her voyeuristic self. This is the main character and will need to be on set for three days and be present for all five sex scenes, plus shoot some non-sex and b-roll footage. She will do some light solo scene/voyeur stuff in three scenes, a girl/girl scene, and a bisexual boy/boy/girl that is the culminating scene of the movie. I would like to find a woman who is into bisexual men and knows how to use a strap-on.

Straight Girl

Yes. Kitty made it with the Gnome. The Gnome was into oral, and he liked to use his tongue to satisfy the world, so after he was done with Kitty, he made it with a Boobah (and yes, this Boobah made it with him too)..

Unfortunately, he had a tragic port-a-potty accident not long after this picture was taken, and he lost his little brain, and part of his left eye. And now he doesn’t function the same way he used to. In fact, his mouth no longer opens, as we can see by his attempt to suck water through a straw (the attempt was not successful).