October 30, 2021

Lost and Found

Like I stated the last time I got to post about my personal life, which yes, seems to be what all my posts are about right now, because this is a blog all about me, and yes, I want to work on some blogs that are a bit more newsworthy and not about me, not that Iím not newsworthy, but maybe Iím not, but anywayÖMy full time job is about to change and it looks like it won't be so full time anymore. I'm hoping that it's still freelance or part time, but even that I'm not sure of (at least not until the boss gets back to town and we sit down and talk). If I've learned anything over the past x number of years in media itís that you never know whatís going to happen, and until as the Grateful Dead would sing, the deal goes down, you have no idea what the deal really is. One person can say one thing to you, and the next person another, and nobody is being totally honest because nobody knows whatís really happening, and nobody wants to be blamed for the ultimate decision.

So, this has been both good and bad for me to "deal" with. I hate the idea of losing my job because I failed when I was put to the test, but the truth is Iím not even sure what the test ever was. Part of me feels like I've been sitting at a desk, under some harsh fluorescent lighting, in an environment that hasn't turned me into the productive machine I know I'm capable of becoming and have forced myself into a space of lackluster productivity. So, I'm excited at the prospect of some sort of change. Because, unlike other people who are afraid to leave their comfort zones, it's under these conditions that I work best. And I've done a lot of thinking about what I want out of my work relationship right now, and about why I haven't been actively active and now I feel good about whatever is to come.

And that means I'll be getting more involved in my own career. Sometimes I'm still angry at myself for not doing more this past year at the job, but I also realize I might have an easier time doing more when I have less.

On Friday night, while cleaning out my room, I got what felt like a symbolic message from somewhere else.

About six months ago, my boyfriend gave me keys to his apartment. This was a big deal, because at the time, we were still teetering on the edge of exclusivity and the idea of giving someone the keys to your apartment, and, in a sense your life, could at some time come back to "bite you in the butt." Now, I knew it wouldn't leave a mark (the bite that is), but I also knew (and therefore feel the need to reiterate) that it was a big deal for him to hand me a set of his keys (I didn't have to ask) because it's a trust thing, a relationship builder, a way to drive home the fact that this relationship has some lasting power. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but still, he gave me the keys.

And a few days after receiving said keys, I lost them. They were on this beautiful green (my favorite color) keychain, and in an instant (highly dramatic I am) they were gone. I searched high and low, and even had to hear the "I told you so's" from both Jonny and my best friend L. "Why do you lose everything?" "Remember when you lost the keys I gave you?" yíknow - things like that....But I knew I hadn't lost them, that they had simply been misplaced. Still I never found them again. Jonny made me a new set of keys which began opening more and more doors in our relationship...and then, the night of the day that I was forced with knowledge that I had somehow failed at my new job and that they didn't think I was being as aggressive as I could be and that I wasn't being as proactive as I knew I was, I went to grab one of my fall, leather bags from my closet. And what I felt in the pocket, was a set of keys. The same set of keys, with the pretty green keychain, that I had lost the many months before.

What was once lost is now found.

As trite as that might sound, it's the first thought that came to my mind upon discovery of this lost artifact. Only it had nothing to do with the keys at all, well, I mean it did, since I had found them and they had been lost, but instead I took it to mean something even greater.

I had lost myself these past few months, trying to find a way to conform in a space I wasn't necessarily comfortable fitting in to. And now that I may lose the one thing that has made me too comfortable (money) I will be forced to learn how to survive.

And, I thought, I have been found.

Posted by jamye at October 30, 2021 03:04 PM