September 28, 2021

Thoughts in a Cruel World

Not that the world is always cruel, but sometimes my thoughts are...and sometimes they aren't...

Today, it's a mixed bag.

First a good thought..and then a bad thought..and if you don't want to read anymore, you should stop after the good thought.

Last week I was sitting around my house in nothing except this long, knit brown sweater that I bought years ago at Target (pronounced Tar-shay). As I lay pondering the soft feel of knit, I also remembered back to a time I was in Prague, not this past summer, but the summer before, when I had a friend named Sara and we were so different, but yet, somehow so close. I remembered that she once wore this very same brown sweater, with nothing on underneath, and I watched her as she smoked out the window. We had not just had sex, Sara isn't into other girls, but if she were, well, that would be a better story, but we spent the month in Prague getting closer and closer, and as she evolved in her relationship, and her life, we needed each other. And then when the summer came to an end, we made all these plans to see each other, plans that never came into fruition. And since I suck at keeping in touch, yes suck, time went by and we stopped talking. And that was that. But last Sunday, as I sat on the toilet in my brown knit sweater, I thought about Sara, and the beautiful person that she is. And then on Monday, my thoughts manifested into a phone call. Out of the blue Sara was calling my phone.

When we spoke her first words were, "I hate flying, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm at the airport, drinking wine (because she hates flying) and I'm on my way to New York. If you have some time, I'd love to see you."

It was fate. Sara had called less than 24 hours after she had been the top thought in my mind. I knew I had to see her. So tonight I am. And yes, I'm so excited I could pee myself.

And then..this is the not so nice part..Please people stop reading if you've known me personally for more than SEVEN years.

Okay, so a friend of mine forwarded me some pics the other day and I got to see a pic of the really long ago, really long term ex, and I have to say, I don't know how we were ever together. At first I tried to remember what it was like to kiss him, but I can't, and then I tried to remember what our sex was like, but thank goddess I can't remember that either. He is so not the type I go for at all, and I wouldn't look twice if he walked by me on the street these days. Have my tastes changed so much, or was I just living a whole other life until we broke up? I was really depressed about it yesterday. I don't want to say I consider him ugly, but, well, I don't find him attractive at all. I wanted to show Jonny a picture of him, but I can't, because, well, because I don't want too..because I'm sort of embarrassed that he was my boyfriend..but not because he was, because he was a nice enough guy and all, but because I would never have dated him now. Holy shit that makes me sound shallow...and it probably makes me a bit evil as well...but still, it's how I feel. Perhaps because I'm evil, that's why I might be getting a cold sore (as punishment for my bad thoughts). I'm still trying to fight it off.

I realize now that I should just erase the above paragraph, and then no one will have to know what bad thoughts I sometimes have, but then I wouldn't be "not so secret" - besides, I am who I am.

Even if I don't know who that once was.

Posted by jamye at September 28, 2021 03:41 PM