May 22, 2021

Emotional everything

laurensgradwknd 017.jpg Buffalo Chicken Wings

I've been in Buffalo all weekend watching my sister officially become a doctor. Well, that's not what we did all weekend, but that's why we were there. Now I'm back in NYC and, in less than 8 hours, I have to teach a class called heavy petting. As a result, I think I'm coming down with something. Do you think my stiff neck, heart palpitations and overexcessive sweating are due to stress, lack of sleep and the fact that I've been on more planes in one week than most people are on in a year? Or maybe it's just that I can't stop jam packing my life. Next week I'm off to Santa Fe. NOTE TO SELF: I am not complaining - just explaining to myself why I don't feel well.

Since that's about all the time I have to blog today, I'll put up last week's Steppin' Out piece. You probably wouldn't read it otherwise. It's about emotional monogamy. I know, I've got to stop talking about this relationship already. I will soon. I promise. Maybe.

Oh, if you're looking for a quick, surprisingly better than I expected read, might I recommend Alan Cumming's (yes, that Alan Cumming) novel "Tommy's Tale"? Lots of (bi)sex and drugs. I finished it in two days.

Okay..back to me...and my piece...the one you wouldn't read it is...
He’s sitting on my couch, telling me, for the first time, that we need to talk. “It’s a good thing,” he promises, anticipating the worried expression overcoming my face. I sit there, staring into his olive green eyes, attempting to listen without fidgeting. We’ve been dating for five months, and we’ve finally agreed on using labels, even though I’m not proud to admit this. He’s my boyfriend, I’m his girlfriend and while he’s telling me that everything will be alright, until I know what “everything” is, my heart races inside my chest. What could he possibly have to say to me now?

Okay, I have my ideas, but I’m not about to think them out loud.

He sits there staring at me for a long moment, and then, with his next exhale he puts it out there. “I can finally give you what you want,” he says, and as the words what… you…want… leave his lips, I watch him smile with anticipation. I don’t immediately react and he begins to look both concerned and caring, an expression I’ve grown to know and love. Even if I think I know what he’s talking about, I’m not ready to be certain.

“What do I want?” I ask him, pretending he hasn’t a clue. I’m half expecting him to tell me that he’s fallen “in love” with me, after all I’m still confused about the differences between loving your girlfriend and being in love with her, and half expecting him to tell me that he’s having my baby.

“Haven’t you always wanted emotional monogamy?” he asks, and for the first time ever, that thing I’ve preached, those two words, emotional monogamy – they’re being thrown back in my face. Emotional monogamy, yes, this is what I’ve always wanted, and all of a sudden I’m not so sure.

“Yes,” I say, waiting for what he’ll say next.

“Well, I can give that to you Jamye,” he says, “in fact, I want to.”

And I want him to. I really do. This is the first time in six years that I’ve been offered exactly what I want with whom I want it. But all of a sudden it’s as if I’m not sure that this is what I mean. Can I really be with someone who is emotionally right there with me, but physically gets to be there with everybody else? It’s as if as soon as he tells me I can have what I want, I don’t want it anymore.

Love’s a funny thing and it makes you question everything you once thought you believed in, at least that’s how it works for me. Still, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, well, okay, almost, and now, now that I have it all, emotional monogamy may not be all I need. But I don’t need to go there now.

So, after a few minutes of heavy thinking I sit back and take a deep breathe. Here’s this man I love, this man I adore, and he’s making me think, making me question the values I’ve held for so long. If I need more I’ll find this out over time, but for now - he’s sitting on my couch giving me everything I’ve ever wanted.

What else could I ask for?

Posted by jamye at May 22, 2021 12:13 PM