November 29, 2021
ups and DOWNS
That's what life is full of...and that's apparently what the horoscope on my birthday warned me about. This year, it read, will be full of ups and downs.
The ups:
I am working on three fantabulous projects, two of which are, according to my gut feelings, going to be huge!!! I am going away for New Years, going to a better (head)space in New Mexico where I have been promised a very fun time. Then it's off to Vegas, and once I return, I have a feeling things in my career will never be the same. I'm "lecturing" at Sexy Spirits on December 20th. Pay and support me. The lecture is called "The Sexth Sense: How to Incorporate Your Five Senses into Sex Play."
Oh, and I have a new artistic crush. Julie Atlas Muz I think I love you.
the downs:
I have my period and I'm cramping like a whale harped on a beach left out to dry so they can use it's blubber for oil. I slept on my brother's couch last night, and although it wasn't comfortable enough, it wasn't uncomfortable. Still, it was and is a couch.
And then, my favorite part of the day:
9AM: I got a call from my mortgage broker. I thought it would be my decision about this apt., which has, in the last week, been nothing less than a series of roller coaster moments. But...I am NOT getting the apartment. NOT moving into my own space in NYC right now. I am NOT sure where I am going to live, or how I am going to live, but I can't keep living the way I'm living now. This suitcase thing, this couch surfing thing, this not having my own blanket and my own sheet thing, is so last year. I want a refrigerator to put my own magnets on. I want my own space, a place that I don't have to pack up every 24 hours. I am NOT happy about this right now.
I've cancelled all my plans for tonight because I feel like I'm in a period of mourning. I'm working in sweatpants right now, and I didn't even feel like showering today. I have experienced a big loss and I'll move forward. Only I don't know where to go or what to do or how to move right now. I have spent the past two months getting this apartment. It's not all that clear what really happened. Everyone who has been working on or through this with me thinks its the mortgage brokers fault, and not to believe what she's been telling me (which is that the bank won't accept the mortgage based on an appraisal glitch). While it may be her fault, I don't care whose fault it is anymore, because it's over. It's like when someone dies, while it's nice to know how they died, it doesn't really matter...they're dead and not coming back.
So this is me today. Not fun. Not happy. Not much to read about. But I haven't blogged in days, and for fear that you might think I was dead, I wanted to write. I know I'll be fine. I'm just not there right now.