February 09, 2021

Living in a Mental State


I have been at the Circle W Ranch since last Monday. That's a whole week of living in what feels, to a city girl, like complete isolation and spiritual recovery. My friend Grand Stoddard, a writer for Nerve and I have been doing some serious bonding. When I first got out here, Grant had been alone for a week. We talked about how being alone, in the middle of a 4,000 acre ranch, can really do wonders for your mental state. You have to learn to like yourself, or you aren't going to be happy. And even though I like myself, it's still hard to live with me alone, for over a week.

I think part of the reason I had to do this was to prove to myself that I could. That I didn't need to go to a party, or be the life of one, all the time. That I didn't need to be surrounded by others to find my own happiness, even though it's easier to forget the things that make you unhappy when you have other company.

And it's been good and bad. Grant and I get along really well, so that's good. But I'm itching to go out, do things, meet the wackadoodles that I so often meet. My time here is more than halfway over. I leave the ranch, and all it's inhabitants (we're talking like five farmhands and a couple hundred of cattle) on Friday and head back to the bigger city of San Francisco.

And then it's going to be another round of personal reflection for me. A couple more weeks of wandering about before I stop for a short respite. I plan to be in New York by the end of the month, and hang out there for at least a month. And when my job there is complete, I don't know how I'll feel or where I'll want to be.

I got an email from an old friend today, he lives in Israel. One of his friends was seriously hurt in the latest suicide bombing, and he expressed his feelings to me about the whole situation. And it made me sad and scared, and more reflective. And I realize that all the thinking in the world doesn't do good unless we take action. So I still sit here, safely nestled in the hills of North Fork, as he sits in Jerusalem not feeling as safe. And I realize that being alone with my thoughts isn't the worst place to be. But I still can't wait to see my friends.

Posted by jamye at February 9, 2021 01:23 PM