January 18, 2022

The Teacup Ride

teacup.jpg (I do not know these people, nor do I want to)

The teacup ride will always haunt me because it was one of the youngest forms of abuse that I remember willingly inflicting on myself. Every amusement park from Adventureland to Disneyland has or had one - a spinning, whirling, thrilling movement ride that was supposed to be fun for the whole family! It made me sick, as in likely to vomit, or at least extremely nauseous and at the brink of upchucking every single f***ing time.

Still I spun. I got on those stupid cups until the age of 14 or so. And without fail when the ride was over, I would realize that I couldn't walk straight or continue to hold down solid foods. But those first moments were always laugh out loud funny, and I remember thinking that every time I got in those damn cups it would be different, for once I wouldn't get sick, but without fail I puked.

I was tough and maybe that was how I showed it, but I won't ride the teacups anymore. Once I discovered not giving in to peer pressure was cool enough for me, I stopped riding what I refered to as hell on a saucer. And now I don't need the teacups to make me laugh, scream or puke, I can do that all by myself!

I am on the brink between self discovery and realization. It's like who I have been was basic training for where I will go. Sort of like a really good nose blowing. All this stuff comes out and then you have to collect it, keep the big chunks and throw the rest away. Or is that only me?

So the teacups, self abuse, masochistic tendencies, preparation H. One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong. (A Sesame Street digression)...

I am sure there are earlier forms of abuse as well. I used to pick my gums until they bled, and I remember feeling the deep cavernous trenches oozing with warmth in the top of my mouth. I still pick my nails til their red. But I've never thrown up from biting my nails or picking my gums. Throwing up was something I reserved for the teacup ride. Now I make adult decisions that make me nauseous and scared and excited and give me that 'about to drop over the top of the coaster' feeling.

So today, right now, I am almost packed into my two bag existence. And then the world will be my oyster, or at least that's the cheesiest line I can think of right now. Whatever. At least I don't ever have to ride the teacups again.

Posted by jamye at January 18, 2022 09:20 AM